This is me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hoodlum Mack, Nov 25, 2012.

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  1. Hoodlum Mack

    Hoodlum Mack Active Member

    I want to start off apologizing for the long post to ensue, but I would also like to thank anyone who sticks through to read it. I'm not sure if this even belongs here, but at the same time it does for the specific ending it leads to. I'm sorry if it seems as if I'm venting, or I'm just letting off steam, or just blabbering about non-sense that shouldn't even be here. I just need to explain how I got here as I'm tired of having these feelings and thoughts beat the living life outta me from the inside out, and have no where else to share them, or no one else to share them with.

    Well.... Hi, considering I am quite new here allow me to introduce myself, my name's Mackenzie <mod edit - identifying>, I'm 18, and a decent cook who's obsessed with longboarding :p

    Now why I'm typing this.... You don't have to read what I want to say, as I don't feel anyone should have to deal with my crap, or I don't even feel like I'm worth your time... I should maybe even post this in the venting section of the forum or whatever it's called, but as previously stated, I'm posting this here with the specific ending everything leads to. I feel like a zombie... Or a robot... Idk how to explain it, but I don't even feel like I'm alive anymore. I'm empty inside, completely oblivious to my own feelings, health and mental state. I just recently discovered in a pondering of my thoughts I'm not even alive for the sake of living my life anymore. I hate my life. I hate myself. I live for the sake of making sure people I care about are alright, and they aren't going through tough times. It's the same with people who couldn't care less about my existence... And the burden this puts on my back without even considering all the things I deal with day to day makes life a living hell. I've told a couple people about this now, and they told me "it's simple, just don't care anymore" but I can't... It's like asking someone to stop breathing. That's who I am, take it or leave it.

    I currently live at "home" with my mom and sister. The two of them despise eachother, and they dragged me in the middle of it, and with the personality I had I tried to fix things to have my sister destroy it, and to have my mom bitch about it to me day in and day out for the longest time. I fucked up back in high school and pushed my mom away from me, a year and a bit later I started to try to rebuild it.... Now having my parents be split, and my mom being the only parent figure in my life, my self-esteem, life, whatever you can think of, relied on getting that fixed. So with motivation I did what I could, and started making time for my mom, apologized, etc. etc. Just too have it all thrown back in my face in the form of some bile, belittling, life crushing acid. We had a really bad argument one day and she compared me to my dad when I was winning the fight and that threw me over the edge... Before I could start screaming I just left my house... The amount of bad memories that flashback through my mind while I'm living in these walls act as poison to my mind and make it hard for me to even enjoy myself at home let alone outside of it. It's a real hard hurdle for me to jump over and for now I've said to hell with it and my mom has yet to ask what's wrong when I haven't said more then "hello" or "good-bye" to her, and now it's turning into hard cold nothing. It's hard to fall asleep at night when your mom doesn't even bother to say good night to you anymore because she's so fed up with you. And yes, I know she is right now as I've had her tell me "I don't have the patience for you after what your sisters put me through, so don't even bother trying anything or you'll get the boot". Tough love yeah, but it's something I can't handle anymore, and my mom couldn't care less.

    Those were the two key things I really wanted to go into detail for... I guess because they cause me the most pain... Or they're the hardest to deal with because they've been around for so long. But I guess to summarize the rest, I'm weird... I haven't really had a life altering event happen to me (besides my parents divorcing), and I don't really have an exact explanation for my depression... It puzzles me, and that's whats driven me to the point of insomnia. I don't even know if I have insomnia, because I've realized that I like to hurt myself in anyway possible if I can't take my own life. I starve my body of everything and anything... Sleep, food, water. The necessities I don't deserve. I've even attempted before and that proved me as a failure as I couldn't go through with it all the way... I can't even put myself outta my own misery so I can be happy... Well... Ironic because I wouldn't feel anything... S/H has gotten much worse with all the stress and the fact I don't sleep until 5 in the morning and wake up in the morning to work later that day. To get through my days I spend them high as much as possible to not even be aware of my surroundings and inner thoughts and feelings. I'm the youngest of two addictive/alcoholic families, with no one there to even bother with me anymore, and I'm slipping with the addictive personality taking over. My friends couldn't care less either, I mean, to ask for help for years and years, and for them to see your wrists and finally be like "I'm here if you need to talk" buuuuuuuuull shit! Sorry, but if I asked for help years ago, and then you see that the pain has taken over only now? I don't even know if they mean it because I feel as if they think they need to tell me that to give me "support" which I hardly feel is there. If you want to support me, ask. Force me to talk. Don't wait for me to come around, because when I do, I'll be dead.

    I guess with this final part to my post... I just can't keep going... I've tried and tried and tried, and it's too hard on my body... I can't find happiness, I can't not be stressed, I can't go to help because I've tried so many times it's never worked! What's the point in living if you're putting your body, your mind, your soul through agony and hell day in and day out. You take your hatred, your sadness, your fury out on yourself just too keep yourself from going to a better end. Without life there is no torture. Without life, there is no me. It tears me apart and I hate it. I've been suicidal since grade 7, and I have yet to find a way out, and it just gets harder and harder the more I fight... I just don't see a point too it anymore and plans, thoughts, ideas are too powerful and too clear for me to push them aside... I've pictured things that terrify me and keep me awake at night. My life is just a living agony waiting to come to an end and I hate knowing that... I feel like my existence is so pointless, so stupid and I'm just a waste of skin... What's the point... Because I fail to see one, and have yet to see one throughout my whole life. I guess this is my final plea for help.

    - Mack.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 25, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sounds like you are in a very toxic environment hun Being caught up in between two people who should care for you but are causing you so much pain
    You dont see hope hun i have been there for years too but there is hope hun one just cannot see it when you are in such a dark place. YOu need to talk to your doctor really talk ok
    get on the newer medication for depression or just talk to a therapist a councilor to get some supports in place. I don't know how old you are but soon you will be able to move out and get a place of your own even a small apt so you can feel you have some control over your life. You are not stupid you are not a wast of skin what you are is sad and lonely and you need help to move forward hun and out of the darkness so reach out for help to your doctor or a councillor You deserve compassion ok hun so reach out for help hugs
  3. Hoodlum Mack

    Hoodlum Mack Active Member

    I just wanted to first say thanks for responding to my posts Eclipse, you've responded to a few now and I haven't shown my appreciation for it, so thanks :) I guess a problem I find with going to my doctor is that I'm afraid to be put on anti-depressants or prescribed meds as my dad was and he got addicted to them /: I'm scared to go on them and I guess it's also hard for me to show others my pain as scars would be seen and absolutely no one knows about me an the stuff I go through.... I'm only 18, but I just graduated (late birthday) and am in the midst of trying to look for a place to move out too while dealing with everything else. It may take a while but I need to get out of my house as it is like a prison to me. Thanks again for responding *hug
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