this is me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aguy, Dec 12, 2006.

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  1. aguy

    aguy Guest

    i am an american fraternity guy, i drink as a social habit, i get high to make myself feel better, i played sports in high school, i am supposed to be the happiest type of guy in the world. i fantasize about death, dream of ending it, i make every wrong decision, i am just a joke, i cant be myself in reality, i have to constantly pretend to be someone else, i have no ego. i never get the girl, i never feel good, i pray to never wake up, and to top it off i am graduating with a psychology degree from a good school. i know that i have been given alot, but i cannot help but feel so hopeless and helpless. with all the help in the world i am still hopeless, why?
     
  2. NavyAirman

    NavyAirman Member

    You sound really depressed. I thought I going to end it all while I was two years into the US NAVY, but then I discovered something incredible. Now, I'm not saying this will work for anyone, but it has saved me, and this is completely just my opinion.

    I remember I was just completely depressed one day for numerous reasons. I had previously paid two car payments that day so I had no money left for another 13 days until my next paycheck. Since I had no money and no meal pass to eat at my local galley, I was so very hungry. When I went to work (I'm a jet engine mechanic for super hornets), I did everything completely wrong making myself look like a fool. I hated my life, my friends, my job, my boss( I still hate him, but...you know, he's my boss), my family, and just about everything else. So, after a long and hard day of work, feeling completely exhausted, depressed (which was normal for me at the time, money or not), and overall shitty from the day, I decided to get a cappicino from accross the street. I never drink coffee, but I needed somekind of cheap pick-me-up for the long drive home.

    I borrowed a dollar from a co-worker (Luckily he owed me one) and got this 'cappicino' which happened to be a mocha alert, extra-caffeine boost. After drinking all of it within 20 minutes, I arrived at my room and something strange happened. It was like, I was more aware of everything. For some reason, I still find this funny, I wanted to read a book I had forgotten about. My awareness seemed boosted, and strangely enough, I felt better. Still kind of shitty, but alot better.

    Amazed at this sudden transformation, I started thinking to myself "What the hell is going on with me? I told myself I was going to look up some suicide methods tonight." I found a site for dozens the previous night, but I won't go into detail about that. After my research was done which included a wikipedia article, some pro's and con's research, and coffee drinker's Q and A, I realized the reason I felt so better was Caffeine.

    Apparently Caffeine is mental stimulant and, when used in proper dosage with the person, decreases depression and increased mental stimulation. After knowing this, saving a couple paychecks, and a few cappicinos here and there, I invested some money in caffeine pills. I realize that this is somewhat of an addictive substance, but I only use 1 pill in the morning and one in the evening. I force myself not to go beyond that. A year later and I still have the great mental benefits it provides. I highly recommend trying it, it helped me, it might help you. Again, I just want to stress, caffeine pills aren't for everyone, but they did help me.
     
  3. Style

    Style Well-Known Member

    yeah caffeine definitely has some addictive elements to it, I use it daily.

    I definitely wouldn't recommend it as a way to treat depression. I know the feeling of euphoria it gives off, but it in no way is anything long term and on the come down, it can possibly make things worse.

    But reading the original post, it sounds a lot like myself, the whole good life/have things going for you but still want to end it.

    I can relate, I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I think if you stick around, you'll be happy you did in the near future. You don't have to end things today.
     
  4. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Great big welcome, aguy!! I have been there many times.. yeah, drinking as a social drinker, getting high to make myself feel better.. yeah, loved those high times.. I know.. eventually,there is a time for all season.. sorry if I screwed that up.. a time to live, and so on.. eventuallly, it gets worse and worse and where will you be??

    You are a frat guy.. and yeah, you should be on top of the world.. and the
    happiest guy in the world..

    Something is missing deeply in your life and no matter what you do, it always seems never ending and here you are.. it isn't all that it is cracked up to be..

    Yeah, I have fantasized about death, dream of ending it too.. been there with that seems like wrong decisions..If you feel like this, then how can you make a right decision about anything.. YOU can't! You are NOT
    a joke but somebody who is finally making a start.. a very first step to admitting to anybody, least of all us here, how you really really feel.

    I understand also about not being able to be oneself in reality and having to pretend to be somebody else.. especially in the family I grew up in.. hyprocisy it seemed to me.. as I like being and figuring out and working on these lies and understanding who I really am.. it is difficult work..

    Well, I never always got the guy.. either.. it hurts deeply and maybe wounds us in our being, our soul, life is like that, and yes, have been there to pray to never ever ever wake up.. besides attempting many times and should have happened but here I am talking to you.. unbelieveable..

    So, you are graduating with a psychology degree!! Are you excited?? Why did you choose this field.. as if I didn't know perhaps, because of all the books and what I wanted to do.. because we understand hurting people and want to reach out to them.. we can truly relate to them..

    Okay, what made you, if you don't mind me asking, to choose to go into this field, was it family pressure? Other? or because you understand and want so much to help other people dealing with shit in their life and seem and are very hopeless. Like you feel?

    Why do you think you feel hopeless and helpless? What kind of help have you received, if you don't mind me asking.. Okay.. I know this people who work in the mental health field, psycholgists, psychiatrists and so on.. May I ask, are you seeing a T (therapist) or/and good pdoc (psychiatrist)? It may be that you need to be evaluated for depression and need to take something to help you.. Nothing wrong in that.,. at all.. It just helps you to be able to communicate more to other patients because you have walked in their shoes.. I have some really shitty T's and pdocs. who have no understandint whatsoever.. shouldn't be in this field..

    Do you want to be in this field..?? Even T' and pdoc's I know talk to someone and receive counseling.. how can one keep it together listening every day to someone and their problems.. it is way too much,... but they also need a balance in their life.. so not get burnt out.. my pdoc has been doing his job, starting out first as MD for over 20 years and unbelieveably he is still sane and he love his work alot.. he told me.. when I asked him about this..

    there is high risk of suicide in this work, I know..

    So, are you seeing anybody? To help you?? Are there things that you need to work through with T or/and pdoc to get through this..time in your life.. are you happy you chose this field or do you think that maybe there is something else you would rather do? I would hate to hear if you enter this field, as yeah, it is extremely stressful, that something happened to you because you could no longer handle it.. It happen, aguy.. I am concerned about you.. I hope you will check into getting some help and maybe you need meds to help you.. someday, and I truly mean that.. someday, when you work through some of these issues..you will meet the right girl.. don't rush it.. take time.. you have time.. take care of yourself first.. and what you feel you need to do.. get healthy.. and , yes, I know, there is someone for you out there.. don't worry about that now.. just take it a day at a time.. and get counseling.. okay? to work through whatever to help you feel bette
    about yourself and move on.. dealing with alot of shit in my life right now and the people here at SF have helped me make it this far..I wouldn't be here to tell you so at all..

    You are NOT hopeless speaking from my own experiences.. I was very hopeless and I know..

    please lean on us and give us a chance to help you get through this.. You are NOT a LOSER at all.. no matter what anybody thinks.. I know that and I believe in you.. Stick around.. here. okay? you will make many friends who sincerely care about you and where you are at..and can relate to you.. my heart definitely goes out to you.. Talk to us, write us.. we are here for you... always

    Pm me of anybody if you want to talk more about this.. We are always here for you.. Take care..


    Gitana
     
  5. aguy

    aguy Guest

    i'm a very iffy guy, especially on this, but to say that i could find people who legitimately care here, when i cannot find that in any sort of face to face interaction i feel is a little... well impossible. i suppose i'm just looking for advice, not to be patronized. i really am generally depressed about all things, dysthimic disorder, as it likes to be called. people like me are generally fucked until the end. go ahead call me an asshole.
     
  6. aguy

    aguy Guest

    and no offense but i drink coffee like its my job, its the only thing keeping me awake for the day
     
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