Hi, my name is Dan. I am an addict, I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I feel the need to let this stuff out, i'm at the most difficult time in my life right now. Everything is literally falling down around me everyday. I know this is a long post but I ask you please read it. My biggest stress factor right now is the fact that I will without doubt be going to jail for a minimum of 2 years. In two weeks or less formal charges will be drawn up and I will be arrested. A month ago I was interviewed and released, pending a polygraph test. I will say up front that I am guilty. This past month has been unbearably stressful. Ive literally been feeling heart and chest pains like ive never felt in my life. I cant express in words the amount of stress this adds on me. Once my gf and family find out, I know without a doubt they will quit talking to me. This week I took the polygraph and failed. I do have one good thing in my life though, a gf of about 4 years. She knows me better than anyone else but I definitely don't talk to her about certain aspects of myself. Just for background, she has MS and suffers from depression and anxiety also. Shes out of town and won't be back for two weeks, but by that time I will be gone. I certainly can't tell her about my legal situation. To top it off the day I took my polygraph I was so stressed after leaving I went straight to a bar. After that I made the mistake of going to hang out with an ex. We were drinking and smoking pot together, but I should have known better. I ended up having sex and holy shit do I regret it now. I love my gf, but now ive really screwed it up for us. I'll be worried about her when i'm gone, shes gets suicidal thoughts when depressed. I feel like a complete piece of shit for doing that to her, its tearing me up. I know I need medication and therapy, ive had them in the past briefly but quit them. A year ago I did see a doctor to try welbutrin, it worked for about a month then it just stopped working, he even doubled my dosage. I was paying for it out of pocket because I have no insurance, and once it quit wokring I thought I was good enough to stop taking them. Months later it creeped back into my life, like it always has. Here lately with all the stress, I've been having way too many thoughts of suicide. Its never been this bad. I feel the need to explain my career/schooling because it has an effect. At 23 I decided to go back to school to get an associates, that was probably the best decision I ever made. Ive done a whole year already and i'm so proud of myself. But I pretty much dropped out of school today when I decided not to show up again. I hate that, I wanted to finish school so bad. Everything was going fine, until the whole legal issue. Now because of that issue school doesn't even matter anymore, its not a program I can finish in prison, and whos going to hire a felon anyways? So f it. Ive got alot of issues I never dealt with as a kid and growing up, I know for a fact I went through more than the average person. All those issues cause depression and grief in me, and Ive always "self medicated" with drugs and alcohol. Ive been drinking and smoking pot for about 12 years, but around the age of 18-20 I was severely addicted to coke. I would also take as much X and meth as I could also. I know for a fact that screwed with my brain even more. I had to hit rock bottom before I realized what it was doing to me. But I don't do hard drugs anymore,Just booze, pot, and the occasional painkiller or whatever. But I am still an addict. If I don't smoke the depression creeps in more and gets darker, it fills my head with suicidal thoughts. I have to smoke or drink everyday just to stay sane. My life is swirling down the drain and I don't see a point in carrying on. The fact that Ive worked so hard to get where I am just makes it seem that much worse. I was doing great until BAM, I find out i'm going to prison. Now the depression is so bad I don't know if I will even make it to see a cell. Well, now that I think about it things were going good, but I was still depressed and an addict, just nothing near this severe. It feels good to get this out, but its giving me so much anxiety I'm misspelling every other word I type. I just need to find a way to keep myself going. It doesn't help that I have social anxiety either, and I'm typically a loner. I only have 1 other person besides my gf I would say is a true friend, and hes a good one at that. I just want a shot at a normal life, i'm tired of drinking, smoking, bein sad, and bein held back by this darkness. I can control it right now, but tomorrow is never guaranteed. I'm destroying everything I have going right now, ive been so reckless since hearing about the jail thing. The things ive done lately are horrendous, but ive lost hope so what does it matter? I'm scared of what I might do when I'm drunk again. I feel a little better now, thank you if you read the whole thing. Please feel free to chime in.