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This is more than ive ever told anyone

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by .Dan, Jul 22, 2010.

  1. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Hi, my name is Dan. I am an addict, I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I feel the need to let this stuff out, i'm at the most difficult time in my life right now. Everything is literally falling down around me everyday. I know this is a long post but I ask you please read it.

    My biggest stress factor right now is the fact that I will without doubt be going to jail for a minimum of 2 years. In two weeks or less formal charges will be drawn up and I will be arrested. A month ago I was interviewed and released, pending a polygraph test. I will say up front that I am guilty. This past month has been unbearably stressful. Ive literally been feeling heart and chest pains like ive never felt in my life. I cant express in words the amount of stress this adds on me. Once my gf and family find out, I know without a doubt they will quit talking to me. This week I took the polygraph and failed.

    I do have one good thing in my life though, a gf of about 4 years. She knows me better than anyone else but I definitely don't talk to her about certain aspects of myself. Just for background, she has MS and suffers from depression and anxiety also. Shes out of town and won't be back for two weeks, but by that time I will be gone. I certainly can't tell her about my legal situation. To top it off the day I took my polygraph I was so stressed after leaving I went straight to a bar. After that I made the mistake of going to hang out with an ex. We were drinking and smoking pot together, but I should have known better. I ended up having sex and holy shit do I regret it now. I love my gf, but now ive really screwed it up for us. I'll be worried about her when i'm gone, shes gets suicidal thoughts when depressed. I feel like a complete piece of shit for doing that to her, its tearing me up.

    I know I need medication and therapy, ive had them in the past briefly but quit them. A year ago I did see a doctor to try welbutrin, it worked for about a month then it just stopped working, he even doubled my dosage. I was paying for it out of pocket because I have no insurance, and once it quit wokring I thought I was good enough to stop taking them. Months later it creeped back into my life, like it always has. Here lately with all the stress, I've been having way too many thoughts of suicide. Its never been this bad.

    I feel the need to explain my career/schooling because it has an effect. At 23 I decided to go back to school to get an associates, that was probably the best decision I ever made. Ive done a whole year already and i'm so proud of myself. But I pretty much dropped out of school today when I decided not to show up again. I hate that, I wanted to finish school so bad. Everything was going fine, until the whole legal issue. Now because of that issue school doesn't even matter anymore, its not a program I can finish in prison, and whos going to hire a felon anyways? So f it.

    Ive got alot of issues I never dealt with as a kid and growing up, I know for a fact I went through more than the average person. All those issues cause depression and grief in me, and Ive always "self medicated" with drugs and alcohol. Ive been drinking and smoking pot for about 12 years, but around the age of 18-20 I was severely addicted to coke. I would also take as much X and meth as I could also. I know for a fact that screwed with my brain even more. I had to hit rock bottom before I realized what it was doing to me. But I don't do hard drugs anymore,Just booze, pot, and the occasional painkiller or whatever. But I am still an addict. If I don't smoke the depression creeps in more and gets darker, it fills my head with suicidal thoughts. I have to smoke or drink everyday just to stay sane.

    My life is swirling down the drain and I don't see a point in carrying on. The fact that Ive worked so hard to get where I am just makes it seem that much worse. I was doing great until BAM, I find out i'm going to prison. Now the depression is so bad I don't know if I will even make it to see a cell. Well, now that I think about it things were going good, but I was still depressed and an addict, just nothing near this severe.

    It feels good to get this out, but its giving me so much anxiety I'm misspelling every other word I type. I just need to find a way to keep myself going. It doesn't help that I have social anxiety either, and I'm typically a loner. I only have 1 other person besides my gf I would say is a true friend, and hes a good one at that. I just want a shot at a normal life, i'm tired of drinking, smoking, bein sad, and bein held back by this darkness. I can control it right now, but tomorrow is never guaranteed. I'm destroying everything I have going right now, ive been so reckless since hearing about the jail thing. The things ive done lately are horrendous, but ive lost hope so what does it matter? I'm scared of what I might do when I'm drunk again.

    I feel a little better now, thank you if you read the whole thing. Please feel free to chime in.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I read your post. :hug: My only suggestion would be to try and see a doctor or therapist to try and find alternative ways of dealing with how you feel. I know it's frustrating, because finding a med that works long-term is hard, and therapy can work but only over time. But it can really be worth it.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i read every word as well I think if you can get a doctor okay a lawyer to help you fight the going to prison time see if you can do time in a facility that will help you with your depression with your addictions Get a lawyer who understands the rights of the mentally ill pt. It is 2 years beifieve me it will go fast and maybe get out ahead of time good behavior then you can start over again right. Leaving your gf is not the answer okay she needs you to be strong now talk with her open communiciation with her. I am sorry you have spiraled downward i have too without medication thats what happens See if your doctor can prescribe you some medication okay keep your depression under control and your anxiety and alicit his help get a note stating that prision is not the place for you but a mental health facility take care just know you can get thru this you have to for you gf okay and family
  4. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Thanks WildCherry. I know it can be worth it, I want to be better but I can't do it on my own. If I could afford a doctor (no insurance) i'd be at his office right now.
  5. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    I dont want to leave my gf, but now I know I don't deserve her. And when she finds out what I did she'll be mortfied. It kills me knowing what I did, she deserves better. I can't express in words what she means to me, we have such a strong bond but ive tainted it now. I want to see a doctor and therapist so so bad but I can't afford it. Ive been considering a mental health facility but don't know about the costs or anything. Right now I don't know if im a bigger danger to myself or other people. The idea of coming out of prison a felon is too much to bear. I'll never be able to get a decent job and everything will be harder. I just want this whole nightmare to end. I want to go back to where I was 5 months ago before I committed that crime... but I know I cant. I want to get my shit together but until I know what crime i'll be charged with and the time I can't think about anything else. It consumes my every thought. Thanks for chiming in violet. Even though im not physically saying this stuff it still feels relieving to type it. This forum probably saved me last night. Thank you for this forum, talking to other people about mine and their problems have helped me ALOT.
  6. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Hey Dan

    Read your post.

    Pison sucks, I have done a short sentence. At least it's not a massive sentence right? I saw a documentary about prison in America and someone had 50 years!

    If you keep to yourself AND DON'T GET INVOLVED IN DRUGS IN PRISON
    you may find you get by o.k

    I gave up smoking in prison too as this causes hassle.

    You could use the time to detox and get spiritually, physically, and emotionally fit. If you work in the kitchens you will be off the wing for 7 days a week.

    I know prison is worse in the U.S than the U.K but you can do it.

    Best wishes to you