This is my alternative to suicide - is this WORSE THEN SUICIDE?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Jun 21, 2009.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I'm 19, I'll be going into my second year of college now. My dad died 4 months ago and I really don't get along with the majority of my family. There's constant fighting.

    My mom doesn't want me 2 see my grandparents (long story) and my grandfather asked me to go blueberry picking with him, and I said yes. If I go I will be yelled at for a long time, if I don't go I will be given a hard time by my grandparents, and probably.... yelled at... :(

    But thats just one minor thing. I don't want to see certain family members ever again, and I mean like I don't even want to have a picture of these certain members. My mom says I'm bitter if I bring up my anger, but I'm just so enraged at the things that have been done, my mom's judgment I beleive is poor on this issue, mostly because shes trying to hurt my feelings. I think she has PTSD.

    Anyway I cannot come in and see my family (the ones I have no problem with) and and not see the family members I don't like. (some live together). Would it be worse of me to transfer to an away college and most likely never see or speak to these members I'm mad at, and thus not come home to see my family.

    Also my mom is giving me money from the life insurance check to pay for my tuition.

    Right now I can tell I can't stay here anymore, I can't take it anymore. But I have anxiety about seeing these "members" because they treat me like shit, and the memories of the "big" things they have done that were wrong are thought of the more I see them, and I get upset.

    How terrible would it be to never see my family again? I know if I stay where I'm at I will commit suicide within a year. It would take a lot of pressure off me to leave, and I'm just so mad, I didn't choose my family, I never wanted to be related to them. And for some of them I'm ashamed to be related to.

    I can't take this anymore. I have a lot of short-term pressures like the one I described with my grandparents that based upon how I act will turn into long-term abuse from these people. I just can't take it anymore, my days are filled with being yelled at, constant ignorant remarks, and sometimes complete and utter disrespect.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Chosing a college farther away might be a good choice. It doesn't mean you have to leave the family you want to be around though. They could still come see you. It is much better for you to start a fresh new life somewhere else than stay where you know you cannot survive. maybe with the time away, attitudes might change. If not, you have lost nothing. When you choose a new school, make sure your credits will transfer and that the school has whatever line of study you wish to pursue. I wish you luck. :hug:
  3. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you feel all of these bad feeling and unnecessary pressure, then takin yourself away from the negativity is not a bad thing. If you know it will save your life, do it. Your life is more important than the pressure they're putting on you.

    I can relate to you in a small way. My mom's sister is not a stable person and she's caused harm to my family. We don't speak to her ever and she doesn't speak to us and that's fine.

    I hope I helped and if you need to talk to someone, I'm a good listener.
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    My thought is to move to a place close enough to visit but far enough to be treated as a guest when you come. Then you avoid family bullshit and see the family members you like!
  5. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Only distance will stop the few individuals who are "nuts". Anyway though I know where I would go its a big 10 university, and has good engineering programs which is what I think I want. I wanted to get out of here for the second summer session (July 14) but it will take loneger then that to get my acceptance letter back, and I don't know what to do with these problems.

    Moving away will only take the constant pressure and stress off me, but then once I'm gone It may be hard at first, or mabye I'll fit right in and make lots of friends and shit.

    I'm so upset right now I don't even want to go to at least of these members funerals should they die. This is largely because they showed indifference funerals, and the burial process in general, and thus my dad's funeral. I mean who the hell would show anything less then compassion at a funeral, how would someone be so callous that they show no emotion when someone dies and from my knowledge really aren't that affected? What the hell is wrong with these people!

    My family is dysfunctional. There is no one that will keep the peace. There is no "rock strong" leader.

    If it will definatley be better once I move away I can wait until I move. But the more this constant stress presses on me, my view becomes dimmer, and I can't see the end of the tunnel.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I think moving away is a good idea. You shouldn't have to be near people who have abused or hurt you. Hopefully if you get away from the negativity, your life will start to improve. And maybe you can find ways of keeping in touch with the family members you do still want to talk to.
  7. WillST

    WillST Active Member

    I don't know what to say, just wanted to post to say I read your thread and hope you are ok.
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I think moving away is the right course of action. It doesn't mean you wont see your family, you can always go and stay with relatives for a few nights when you feel like it. But it gives you the freedom you deserve and means that you can get anyway from the negativity that seems to be plaguing you at home. :hug: I hope whatever decision you make things get better for you!
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