This is my Epilogue...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Moedeloos, Mar 29, 2009.

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  1. Moedeloos

    Moedeloos New Member

    This may be my closing statement to this world. Please if there is anyone able to help me sooth the pain then please... help me.

    I remember, vaguely, a time in my early childhood that was still inhabited by happiness. Maybe upto when I was four or five. My mother and father were loving, caring parents who, above all else, taught me and my younger brother who is 2 years younger than I am to be loving and caring people. Quite ironic seeing as how it all turned out at the end.

    When I was in Grade 1 (6 years old) my father started being abusive towards my mother and me (why not to my brother, i do not know). I remember him dragging my mom dawn the hall by her feet and beating her and powerless as I am I tried to defend but with no success, instead I was beaten with a cricket bat, and no, not in the conventional way.

    This abuse continued for years until I was 17 (my parents got divorced) and I had gradually started loosing something inside of me, call it that "spark" people have inside of them or you may say my soul felt like it was dying. I had started taking drugs and mixing with the wrong people, steeling my mother's belongings to satisfy my own demonic needs. Time after time I had hurt my mother, even physically, mimicking my own abusive father, like I was possessed by a hate filled demon. This had destroyed me emotionally. I had gone from being a good student, top athlete in my age group to nothing. I could no longer live with myself. The only thing that kept me going was the love that I had for my mother, we understood each other's pain...even though our relationship was shattered by now. But, nevertheless, it was because of her that I wanted to turn my life around. It was because of the love I have for my mother that I wanted to be a great son, take all the pain of the past away.

    I stopped taking drugs and got a good job and started caring for myself. I did not want to be a burden for my mother, I wanted to help her, emotionally, financially, whatever was required. Our relationship just never seemed to get much better. My past always came back to haunt me. Even she would use my past against me every time we had a major argument, and that broke the little life I had left inside of me down bit by bit. I would not back down though and would always try doing everything I could to heal the scars me and my father had created.

    After years ( I am 22 now) our relationship started getting better. We started enjoying each other's company alot more and spent more time together. Things were finally starting to look good.

    Then it all went wrong, my life had crashed to pieces in a matter of moments and does not look like it is reparable this time. Her new boyfriend who is an addicted gambler and somewhat of an alcoholic came into the picture. For months I had resisted the urge to confront him about his problems but to keep the peace I resisted the urge. Then they decided to move in together. Immediately I started thinking, what if he destroys everything my mother has worked so hard to achieve? Now I haven't mentioned this but since back when my father was around we have always struggled financially. We were not "low class" but life wasn't easy. My mother had finally gotten ahead in life and I was not going to allow some low life to hurt her again. She has had enough pain in her life.

    Tonight I finally confronted him. Not aggressively, I invited them to have dinner at my place and everything went great. I felt that another barrier between my mother and I had been broken. But when I started talking about his gambling my mother's boyfriend started becoming aggressive and pushed me...the next thing I remember is him lying on the ground, his face and shirt full of blood. He is not dead, but any relationship I wished to build is forever gone now. All the years of healing has been destroyed in one foolish act of defense.

    I feel like there is no more I can do, destiny has spoken. I do not deserve a happy life and will probably never have one. Destiny has turned my love for my mother into my mother's hatred towards me. I have tried so many times to just live a happy life and not do any harm towards the one's I love and yet it has backfired on me every single time.

    My life surely was a mistake. No one deserves to live with this sorrow.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Well from what I hear, you're a pretty good person.

    You survived physical abuse, drug addiction, and became a functioning adult. Your mom's boyfriend sounds like a tool, and while you shouldn't have hit him, and I hope you've called an ambulance for him, you're not a horrible person.

    You do deserve to be happy. Because you're important. Your mom will be pissed, but she won't let a boyfriend interfere with your relationship.
  3. Moedeloos

    Moedeloos New Member

    Thank you for the response. I realized now that this should probably go into the suicide forum. I may not commit suicide now but I can feel that I am mentally preparing myself for the inevitable.

    My mother does not want anything to do with me, in fact, it seems they are getting married soon. So I doubt whether things will ever be normal again.

    I agree, I should not have hit him. But I could not control myself, the rage just took over completely. Who the f**k is he to threaten me!? He has no idea how hard it was to get to where my mom and I had been just 2 days ago.

    I do not want to go on. I am fed up. I have seen psychiatrists before, just after I stopped taking drugs and I know that it only mends the wounds temporarily, eventually the pain will always come back. I have absolutely no energy to try and fix this.

    All I ever wanted was to be happy.
  4. DiscoverPeaceOfMind

    DiscoverPeaceOfMind Active Member

    It isnt fair, it wasnt fair, and its not fair.

    I would bet that your mother had a violent father. Ask her. (have some tissues ready) She is repeating her cycle of abuse. You have repeated yours.

    You have to put yourself first before you can help your mother. She is simply a woman with her own stuff, just like you have yours.

    What is happiness, where is it? What we want is love, acceptance and a feeling that we are in control of our lives. At the moment, sounds like you have none of those.

    You hate your mother being out of control, because you hate you being out of control. Become an example for her to follow.

    Good luck.
  5. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    hiya Moedeloos(dutch, I presume?) and welcome to the forum.
    I moved your thread, hoping it gets more atention too.
    I am sorry to hear about what's been happening to you....I guess
    the agressive reaction of your mom's boyfriend speaks for itself....he probably has
    a problem and it wasn't easy for him to be confronted.... and yeah, you shouldn't have hit him, but I know, sometimes we just snap, no matter how wrong it is.
    It's a pitty to see it all go wrong after all the effort and trouble to build a good relationship. I just hope your mom isn't too vulnerable and get into a bad relationship again, and I think that's what you should hope too....I am sure if you give them time, and seen she probably will get married, it might be possible to start over again between you and your mom.
    Maybe you can try and talk to her, explain that you just want her to be happy and find someone that is good for her finally, and just lost control....
    I hope it all get better for you, and i am sure that a bit of time would work miracles.....
    I am sure your mom won't just give up on you.
    I hope you find some peace of mind here and hopefully good advice and specially lot's of support and understanding :)
    Take good care of you
  6. Moedeloos

    Moedeloos New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    Thank all you so much for you responses to my problem. :smile:

    To be honest I am quite amazed at the level of support this site offers, I really thought by the time someone actually replies to this thread I would have been long gone.

    But to here all this now has made me realize that the world is not just filled by superficial people, there are still caring people out there and it brings me joy.

    @DicoverPeaceofMind ~ You are right, I have not felt love, acceptance or anything positive for a LONG time and it is becoming unbearable. I do agree though. I am capable of setting an example and moving forward, with or without my mother's support.

    @Helena ~ Afrikaans actually, but Dutch is close enough :tongue:. I guess I could give it some time and see what happens, though she wants nothing to do with me at the moment. The biggest problem is that she is planning on marrying the boyfriend that I had the argument with, I think she is too afraid to grow old "alone" (not seeing that her children will always be there for her) that she will take anything she can have at the moment, irrelevant of their moral standards or, even sense of responsibility. What pains me is that she attracts these people/scum due to her own habits. And believe me, I have tried talking to her MANY TIMES, but without success.

    Just a quick update as well. I am sort of fearing for my life at the moment as the boyfriend's family has started threatening me, saying they will kill me, etc... Though I might just beat them to it in any way.

    Thank you all for your support. It brings me great joy to know there are still compassionate people in this world.

    I do not know what will happen with me in the next few days, but I am sure each and everyone of you have made a significant impact on many people's lives. And I want you to know that it does mean alot to people who need it.

  7. DiscoverPeaceOfMind

    DiscoverPeaceOfMind Active Member

    Start each and every day carrying forward yesterday's momemtum. Try the Stephen Covey forum for positives.
  8. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    I tried to kill myself last Thursday and believe me, you don't want to do it. This is EXACTLY how I felt:
    and it is a slippery slope. All of a sudden everything was on fast forward mod edit<helena< I don't remember much after that other than being in some hospital where my wife had me committed. If I wasn't such a persuasive guy I'd still be there too.

    What you need to do is check yourself into a hospital (you'll feel safe there) and get into some groups and talk about things. You're only 22, you can do anything you want.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2009
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