This may be my closing statement to this world. Please if there is anyone able to help me sooth the pain then please... help me. I remember, vaguely, a time in my early childhood that was still inhabited by happiness. Maybe upto when I was four or five. My mother and father were loving, caring parents who, above all else, taught me and my younger brother who is 2 years younger than I am to be loving and caring people. Quite ironic seeing as how it all turned out at the end. When I was in Grade 1 (6 years old) my father started being abusive towards my mother and me (why not to my brother, i do not know). I remember him dragging my mom dawn the hall by her feet and beating her and powerless as I am I tried to defend but with no success, instead I was beaten with a cricket bat, and no, not in the conventional way. This abuse continued for years until I was 17 (my parents got divorced) and I had gradually started loosing something inside of me, call it that "spark" people have inside of them or you may say my soul felt like it was dying. I had started taking drugs and mixing with the wrong people, steeling my mother's belongings to satisfy my own demonic needs. Time after time I had hurt my mother, even physically, mimicking my own abusive father, like I was possessed by a hate filled demon. This had destroyed me emotionally. I had gone from being a good student, top athlete in my age group to nothing. I could no longer live with myself. The only thing that kept me going was the love that I had for my mother, we understood each other's pain...even though our relationship was shattered by now. But, nevertheless, it was because of her that I wanted to turn my life around. It was because of the love I have for my mother that I wanted to be a great son, take all the pain of the past away. I stopped taking drugs and got a good job and started caring for myself. I did not want to be a burden for my mother, I wanted to help her, emotionally, financially, whatever was required. Our relationship just never seemed to get much better. My past always came back to haunt me. Even she would use my past against me every time we had a major argument, and that broke the little life I had left inside of me down bit by bit. I would not back down though and would always try doing everything I could to heal the scars me and my father had created. After years ( I am 22 now) our relationship started getting better. We started enjoying each other's company alot more and spent more time together. Things were finally starting to look good. Then it all went wrong, my life had crashed to pieces in a matter of moments and does not look like it is reparable this time. Her new boyfriend who is an addicted gambler and somewhat of an alcoholic came into the picture. For months I had resisted the urge to confront him about his problems but to keep the peace I resisted the urge. Then they decided to move in together. Immediately I started thinking, what if he destroys everything my mother has worked so hard to achieve? Now I haven't mentioned this but since back when my father was around we have always struggled financially. We were not "low class" but life wasn't easy. My mother had finally gotten ahead in life and I was not going to allow some low life to hurt her again. She has had enough pain in her life. Tonight I finally confronted him. Not aggressively, I invited them to have dinner at my place and everything went great. I felt that another barrier between my mother and I had been broken. But when I started talking about his gambling my mother's boyfriend started becoming aggressive and pushed me...the next thing I remember is him lying on the ground, his face and shirt full of blood. He is not dead, but any relationship I wished to build is forever gone now. All the years of healing has been destroyed in one foolish act of defense. I feel like there is no more I can do, destiny has spoken. I do not deserve a happy life and will probably never have one. Destiny has turned my love for my mother into my mother's hatred towards me. I have tried so many times to just live a happy life and not do any harm towards the one's I love and yet it has backfired on me every single time. My life surely was a mistake. No one deserves to live with this sorrow.