This is my hell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marcusinpa, May 17, 2010.

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  1. Marcusinpa

    Marcusinpa New Member

    I am 25 years old, my problem is because of a 19 year old. I was engaged, I have a 6 month old son, and she put me through hell. My last 3 weeks went like this, first week wanted to work things out and seek help for our relationship. She started a new job and instantly another guy asked for her number. She told me we were still engaged but seperated and I could see new people but not date them. She kept telling me she loved me and wanted me to come over early to watch my son before she had work to cuddle. We kissed but she wouldnt take time to talk. This girl is my world, my best friend and soul mate, the mother to my only child, she doesnt want anything to do with me. Second week she slowly started to tell me she didnt know what she wanted if she even wanted me, she needed to find herself. Third week I gave her a choice to work on things with us or give up and go our seperate ways and lose any chance of being with me forever. She told me to leave. I cant eat, it makes me feel sick, I cant sleep cus when I close my eyes I see her and him, I cant stop thinking about her. I talk to friends, they all tell me the same thing, shes not worth it and stop thinking about her but I cant help it. I cant stop, when Im not drinking I go insane, with rage, fear, disturbing depression that only leads to bad thoughts. Lastnight I wanted her to come over to my house, which is also her brothers house and my best friend, he warned me about her but love makes you not listen. She said she wouldnt because she cant trust me, she said she thought I was going to kill her and then myself. I could never hurt her, I could never make her cry. Shes in the arms of someone else now, he gets to spend more time with my family then I do. When I watch my son 8 hours for 3 days straight I see her in him, and Im miserable. He cut his first tooth 2 days ago, I only found out because I called her after 2 days of no contact to see how he was doing, and when I should come over because she says I cant just come over, I need to call first to see when its the right time. I was just a rebound to her after her ex left her, 3 weeks later she jumped on me. 2 months after our relationship started she got pregnant, because I did it. I begged her for the morning after pill, and she would do it, then I begged her for an abortion telling her we dont know what the future would hold and I didnt want to raise a child out of wedlock and without a good future to give him. She dropped out of school because she stopped going, another lie from her telling me they kicked her out because she was pregnant. She constantly told me she hated me because I made her pregnant, and she hated it. She told me more lies than the truth, I was told she was a compulsive liar from everyone she knew, and she didnt take anti-depressant meds when she was pregnant. She stopped taking the meds after the pregnancy, which slowly lead to our untimely demise. She told me it was all my fault, I didnt spend enough time with her and our son, I would play video games and work on a new car that I bought just so I could have something safe to drive with her and my son that was 4 door. I constantly put them ahead of myself, I know that I wasnt there for him as much as I should have been, but there wasnt anything they both didnt need that I didnt give to them. She made me feel like it was all my fault, she had no faults, and I left them. I tried calling her lastnight to get her to come over, because I honestly felt if I could speak to her in person I could show her how much Im willing to change it all, and give them both my all no matter what. Too little too late, she didnt want to listen because shes so self absorbed into this new guy she doesnt even know. She says hes nothing to her, but after lie after lie I will never know. Im checking myself into a hospital today when I sober up, with out alcohol I dont have any control. I wrote two suicide notes lastnight one to my son, the other to him. I was going to get it notorized and seek legal guidance in the effect that I was going to kill myself, she would HAVE to listen to what I said. I was going to have him get the letter later in life, explain myself and the situation because I know he would never know what was the truth. The truth is I made mistakes, she made some too, she never loved me, I didnt want any of this yet she still kept him. Im glad she did, because now he is my world and my everything, I know he knows when Im upset and every time I look at him I loose control. He smiles and laughs every time I see him, he loves me. Its just so hard when all you see in him is the one person you cant stand most of all. For the past 3 weeks I've eaten noting but slimfast and real food here and there, thinking if I made myself fit she would come back, maybe for a second it would cross her mind that I am whats best for her, I care about her more than anybody will ever care, I love her more than anyone else will ever love her. I lost my one best friend over the lies she said, telling me he hit her, when in reality she played him the same way she played me. She drove me crazy, with her lies, she is the worst person I know, but some how I cant stop loving her because deep down I believe she still cares about me. Im drunk writing this, this is my only way not to do something stupid, and it cant leave my mind. Im checking myself into a hospital after I sober up and drive over, I dont want people to see me like this. I guess Im writing this because I want others to be aware that if you dont talk about things with others you will kill yourself. Write the note and read it back to yourself. I made a promise to my son, I wouldnt leave him alone, I would always be there for him. Even if shes out with him and leaves her sister to watch him while shes alone with this guy, I need to be there for him if shes putting him on the back burner. Everyone and everything you kill yourself for wont care what happens to you, most likely they will be happy. Your friends and family will be the only ones hurt. If you really feel like theres no way out, there is help out there and when I get back I will post on here my experience. I am from central PA and the place Im going to is Holy Spirit Hospital because I dont want to break a promise to my son, that I know I will if I dont seek help. Sometimes what your friends say isnt enough, you cant listen to reason. It isnt selfish to make yourself number one priority when something like this comes up, and I know every situation is different, but please know that when it comes down to the end all you hurt is the ones that only care about you. I know Im drunk right now, but this is the only time when I can be positive. I talked to many people, many friends and seek'd a lot of advice and if it comes down to checking yourself in, sometimes its the best option. I know i cant continue on with dealing with things on my own and the guidance of my friends, and I swear after my experience in the hospital I will come back here to help others because I know what its like. I know why people kill them selves, I know what they are thinking. My job leaves with me nothing but time to think, dwelling on whats going on, people in the family worried to and conversations with them. I know what is going on. I try to tell myself this is issues with her self and I need to put her behind me but there is only so much you can do with the opinions of friends and family. I know someone whos dad has been waiting around for over 20 years for her to come back, after moving on and marrying a friend of his. I feel that I dont want to be this way, and suicide is the only way out. I tried before, and I called her to tell her I was sorry for everything I've done, thats when she told me not to do it, and we could work things out. She doesnt want anything to do with me, she already moved on, and that is what is killing me inside, she doesnt care or love any part of me except that I am the father of her one and only child. I did nothing but seek help on how to work on our relationship, and change myself but in the end its not about me but about herself. She doesnt recignize her problem, Im not the first and I sure as he.ll wont be the last until she realizes what she is and wants help for it. This may never happen. She will never know my love for her, shes too selfish to even see whats truely going on, but then again maybe she never cared for me, never loved me, since she constantly said she hated me for getting her pregnant. Im about to pass out again and get some rest, when I wake up Im driving to the hospital because they already know Im coming in. Im not out of alcohol but what else is there to take. She is my drug, this is withdraw and I had to stop it cold turkey. She will never love me, and she doesnt know my love for her. She is my addiction that is driving me mad, 3 weeks of no sleep, no food, and no rest will drive you insane. Three packs of cigs a day will not help you. Without professional help, I wont be able to get over this. Without professional help, thoughts of suicide wont help you either, your already past the point of no return. GET THE HELP YOU NEED!
     
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow I am sorry to hear how bad things are. I cannot offer any advice really. You seem to understand what you need to do which is awesome. I hope you can find what I am looking for. Good luck.

    I can relate to the being hopelessly in love with someone. Sadly she does not make it clear whether or not she is over me. It sucks it really does. However, love is something that you get again. That is what I am told. You deserve better than her. You just have to look... or so I am told.
     
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    This is a very difficult situation. But you know what you have to do. You have to move on from her.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you are a very wise young man and I'm glad to hear you're off to the hospital...
    your letter was very inspiring to others here who think suicide is the best way..
    you deserve better than how you've been treated by your GF...
    I hope your recovery goes well...hope to see more posts when you get out of the hospital..good luck..
     
  5. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this hell. You deserve so much better and I hope you get the help you need so that you can really enjoy being with your son without thinking of your ex all the time.......
     
  6. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    She's not worth your time. You seem to be a good person.
     
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