This is my last chance to save my existance.

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I can not live through clinical depression. Medicines don't work. I held on strong for so many years, so don't tell me to just get over it. Both my parents were abusive drug addicts. I kept on focus all throughout my childhood. When I turned 15 I could taste my freedom, taste my victory over the battles I had struggled with all my life. Unfortunately, my body had other thoughts. I developed stage V acne(1 in 10,000 during their adolencse) that covered 80% of my face. I kept pushing through. I finally started to clear at around 18, just to find out I had severe acne scaring.

With all the struggles I've had to deal with in my life I still kept strong, but about a year ago I developed clinical depression, I have taken medicines, they don't help. I feel dead inside. I'm 20 now, I'm feeling like I will never get over this emptyness. Even though my parents were hardly role models, I developed a spiritual sense of my own throughout my childhood. I think it helped me get through many of my struggles to believe there was a supreme deity out there that was looking out for me. I don't know what I believe any more, only that I hurt, both physically and emotionally every day.

I never thought I'd try and commit suicide, but recently the pain became too much, I tried but failed. I have nothing left to feel, but I will not give in again so easily. On May 1st of next year I will take a retreat into the wilderness, and put my fate into the very hands of the God, if existent, that did nothing to ease my pain over the many years of my struggles.

I have a broad range of wilderness training, and will use the time I have left to study more. I don't know if I survive, but I won't go down without a fight. I'll be going to either the Frank Church wilderness or further in the pacific northwest and hanging low, hunting using only a bow, illegally to survive, only taking what I need. I hope through deep spiritual meditation I just might find what I am looking for, but even if I don't, this has become my only option. It is this, or suicide. I am not going to get well, the doctors can't cure me. Drugs can't cure the level of depression I have. I will not get well in society that is getting more evil by the day.

I just had to share my feelings with someone, I havn't had that luxury in some time. If you did read this, thank you and feel free to leave your comments and advice I will take them to heart.
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the other guy

Well-Known Member
Its good u want to do something to try to find urself, and nice to hear u will not go down without a fight. I do suggest leting someone to know where u are when u go into the wild, good luck.


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I agree with the other guy on both points: doing something to 'find' yourself and definately letting someone know where you will be going. :smile: I'm sorry you have had (and are still having) such trying times. May I ask how many different meds you've tried for your depression. There are so many different kinds it's possible that there's one yet that will help you. Please don't give up your search for peace and enjoyment in your life.:smile: We are here to listen to you any time you want to talk to someone. We are good listeners and have good insight into the feelings of others. Please lean on us when you don't feel strong.:smile: I care.

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