I was born in Estonia as an Estonian in the year 1990. Times were quite tough, as it was about the time the soviet union collapsed, granting us independence. I'm not too certain of my first years alive, but I do remember that we were rather poor. We moved to Finland, hoping for a better life, and to find a job, but my mother became rather patriotic and wanted to move back to Estonia. She did, and brought me and my brother (2y older) with her. My father stayed behind to work, since there was none available in Estonia. I was quite blissful in my childhood. We were quite poor, and I didn't notice it. At every point of our lives I had been wearing a smile, as I did not understand the simplest problems we had. Even though my father sent us money every now and then, he wasn't eventually able to send as much as time passed. We didn't always have food at home, and quite often my mother was trying to save it, hence I got the custom of asking for something that I wanted, which I do even now. My dad came to see us every couple of months, I always waited him too, staying up until he came, whenever he came. My mother worked and went to school at the same time. She studied music (organ playing), whistle at the same time working in a music school. I don't know much of the other things she did, except travel around Estonia with choirs every now and then. As she was not home quite often my grandmother used to take care of us, sleeping over at our house when my mother was away for the night. As years passed, my mother started to cheat on my father. I do not know about my brother, but me, being as blissful as I was, did not see it. For example she had a man from Turkey over, who she said was there in some choir kinda thing and that there were others, everybody having some ones home to sleep. I was blissful even when they slept in the same bed, I even asked about it from my mother, who said that all grown-ups do that. Looking back I find myself to be effen stoooopid. Come to think about it, I think I mentioned it to my father... here comes the next paragraph -.- Every now and then, when my dad came to see us, my parents would keep arguing and yelling all the time. I remember being fed up with it. One time I confronted them about it. They sent me away and I got a 10 minute peace from all the yelling. My mother avidly went to church when the change of the century started to get closer. She had a choir there, taking even more of her time away. One day the minister came over. I couldn't remember too much about it except that my mother got a motel room close to our house where she spent most of the nights. I went there a couple of times, and the only furniture was a couch. The last paragraph brings us to the year 2000, the year my parents got divorced. I was still quite blissful about the whole ordeal, and I didn't see that it would change anything. Since my new step dad was a minister, the church in the town we lived in didn't like it ( since he also had to divorce ). As the story goes by my mother, "The church threw us out of the town", having us move to a town at the border with Russia, having me leave my 3 friends behind. The town we moved to was not TOO big, but over 90% of the people living there were Russians. To this day I can't speak Russian, so getting by in that town was rather tough for me, and being generally a rather shy person, it was impossible for me to find friends. The group of friends I found myself in my class fell behind one by one. I even caught one of them stealing money from the closet I held money. I believed his excuse of only looking. Later when I found money missing I blamed my brother. I guess I deserved it, as I didn't share too much. The "friends" I mostly only saw at school, and so at home I spent the majority of my time behind the computer. This alienated me from the world even further. I was not a nerd, as I never even studied. I made it through school without even doing homework once.. ( ok, ok, I did homework about 5 times EVERR )... AAAnyway.. where was I ... oh...Next paragraph... Every summer after my parents divorced I went to see my father in Finland. He had his own business, and me and my brother quite often were riding along on the trips he went to. He was driving a truck, collecting old refrigerators, then selling them to Russia. In the summer of 2005.. or 2006.. can't remember.., my grandmother died... It was the hardest for my father though... When I returned to high school in the spring everything seemed normal. A month into school I found myself wanting something I had never wanted before. That something was love. I did not know how to talk to girls, nor even did I have the courage to do so, even though I was 16 at that time ( only guessing ).. Somehow with the help of MSN I had miserable attempts at falling in love with almost every girl in my class. I didn't even know what love was supposed to be, I just felt like I needed it. Somehow with the help of the interweb I found a girl in the other side of the country. I went see the winter play around Christmas time at their school. The bus ride there was 5 and a half hours long ( it's a small country ). It wasn't really love at first, only when I stepped on the bus to leave I got the REAL feeling of love for her. Feeling the need to kiss her... from that moment to the moment I met her again, all I could think about was her. By that time I was already diagnosed with depression and had trouble at staying at school. I was also on meds. I went to see her every now and then ( 5 times total actually)... anyway... Near the beginning of the next year I one day just didn't go to school. My mother sat at the bed next to me about an hour or so after I just told her that I didn't want to go to school... I was cutting myself... ( leaving a 5x1 cm scar on my wrist, which is crossed by 4 smaller ones. some other smaller scars at places...) ..... I left my first girlfriend, and the bearer of my first kiss about 4 months into dating. By the way, she was handicapped, but that was not the problem. I believe I feared that I only loved her because I wanted to love SOMEBODY... I'll never forget what her sister said as she called me... The psychiatrists in that town were at a loss with me, so they wanted to put me into an asylum for the insane... In the town I had lived the first 10 years of my life... I agreed, but when I got there it was too much like a prison, so I rejected it, and since being forced to stay there didn't help me get well they agreed. Instead of taking up residence they had me come there about twice a month. MEDS MEDS MEDS. I dropped out of school, and as summer came I also became better, but I did not know what to do on with my life so I moved to Finland, to my fathers place, who at that time lived with a woman she would marry at the end of that summer. I basically slacked off until my father didn't accept me doing nothing any more and signed me up for language courses. I got accidentally found my best friend there... The courses were meant to be taken until I could speak Finnish relatively well, which was rather easy for me since I spent every summer there. I Figured that I'd stay there until the time regular school would stop, but I never made it since my depression returned. At that point and time I didn't show out my depression any more, as I did not want to talk to my parents about it, nor did I want to make them worry. I again looked for love, but found none. As summer returned again, I got better. I signed myself up to a special group where they teach immigrants specific Finnish needed to go to school or work ( advanced vocabulary and grammar ). I went there with that friend of mine. The course was supposed to last for a year. About half way through I got depression again, and again looked for love to no avail. I barely made it through. At summer everything got better again. Last year I went to college to learn to be an IT specialist. About a month before the winter break I stopped going to school. Along the years I've lived in Finland I've been to psychiatrist irregularly, at one point going there and then realizing that is not what I want.. and then going back. I still haven't told anybody about my state, only the psychiatrist really knows amongst few strangers in the internet, and now, you. As far as my brother and my mother are concerned, I'm still going to school regularly. Only my dad knows that something is up, as I live with him and it is easy to notice that I'm not going to school. Money is still an issue... Father is still pressuring me to go to work or school. I don't believe any more that I'm ever going to become well, and I tire easily from my father yelling at me for not going to school. I do not believe that I live to see the end of the Aztec calendar, not to mention the next year. I guess the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of death, but I shall overcome it eventually. I'm actually planning on doing it within 5 months. I plan on taking a flight to the US and spend all my money on random acts of kindness. Last night, as I did not fall asleep, I wondered about finding a nice cliff with a look at the ocean somewhere in the US and play my guitar there. If someone came to ask me about why I was there, I'd say that I was the one that would haunt that cliff. I'd like to be there until I find the peace in my mind and then kill myself. Most people here know what depression feels like, so I will not go to any lengths to show you that, as I'm not very good at expressing what I feel. I fear the future, I fear the past.