This is my life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jungle420, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    I spend about 15 hours a day on the internet every single day until my eyes feel like they are bleeding. I never speak a word most days, living with parents.

    I roam Facebook but never talk to anyone, I roam this site and social anxiety forum. I also roam YouTube and watch documentaries on spiritual stuff, things to laugh at, music. I spend alot of time looking up suicide related articles, about near death experiences from suicide attempts, methods, documentaries on it etc etc and also about serial killers and documentaries on those (not that I want to kill anyone, its just an interest).

    If im not on the internet I feel like I have nothing to do, TV bores the shit out of me since I don't have cable TV so I rarely watch it.. that's pretty much my life, I very rarely leave the house although I always want to.. there's just no reason good enough.. there's only shops around here but I have no money, job or friends. I can recall very few positive experiences in my whole life. I want to break the cycle but im clueless how to.. Im 21. A holiday would be nice, ive only had 1 in my entire life which fucking sucks. Anyway I just felt like ranting.. Anyone else relate to this monotonous existence?
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    please feel free to pm me on links to these ndes.
  3. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Hey there. Everything you said, in many ways, sounds a lot like my life. Would you like to be friends. Maybe I can help you in ways. Or just be someone to talk to.
  4. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Hey. Sure that sounds good, its good to know other people that are understanding and in similar positions. I could do with someone to talk to. I will PM you sometime.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, Jungle. I can relate to the not having people here (physical reality) to talk to. Feel free to send me a PM anytime. :)
  6. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    21 check
    alone check
    living with parents check

    i guess we got stuff in common..
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hey there,

    That used to be my life exactly , except I never left the house at all. I was admitted to a psych ward where I met the love of my life and that changed me :)

    Pm me if you want to talk xox
  8. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    Sounds exactly like me.
  9. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I've done that too for many years and if it weren't for school I'd still be doing it. In fact I skip school a lot and just sit and stare at the computer monitor for hours on end.
  10. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Thanks for all the replies. Yes today is a day just like yesterday EXACTLY the fact the last fortnight has been pretty much a set of identical days. My mam asks the same questions everyday or more like demands.. "Get your medication" ...even though I've already had it or I was just about to get it.. "Get your dinner" like she is telling me to eat by her accord, its fucking ridiculous. It boils my blood because I already have no life and my mam is demanding I do something, talking to and treating me like a kid just sends me into an extreme rage and shes always been like that.

    My parents are emotionally cold. They sit watching TV all day everyday, and chain smoke to the point where I can hardly breathe. After those questions have been asked that's it, conversation for the entire day is over. They walk past me and act like I don't exist. Their lives are pathetic and they have been terrible role models in my life. Of course I love them but they make me so much worse. My dad never ever speaks to me period. I basically don't exist in his eyes. Whereas my mam, well if it wasn't for the few daily remarks then she'd be equal to my dad.

    I was trashing something in my room the other day due to intense anger and frustration, and guess what happened? my mam phones the crisis team so now I am being threatened of being sectioned. I have no outlet and they want to section me. This left me pretty much speechless... as if a mental hospital is the outlet and atmosphere im in need of. Just unbelievable.

    I've been in a mental hospital before, and it was a horrible experience. Although I did meet an old man that told me his life story, and he helped me through my time in there. He was probably the most genuine, down to earth person I've ever met. So that is the dilemma im now faced with..stop getting angry or face a month in a mental institution. Isn't it human nature to be filled with anger and frustration if you have no one to talk to every single day of your life, nothing to leave the house for, nothing to do inside the house..and parents that torture you unknowingly? Apparently not.

    I am absolutely DESPERATE to get out of this hell hole, but that's just not possible since I have no job. Im lost, stuck and I have no one and nothing. I was certain I was going to end my life last weekend, because I kept thinking of all the fun things people are doing, people socialising, parting or whatever, and because weekend after weekend im alone in my room thinking how I can sort my mess of a life out. I'm Pretty sure im the only 21 year old sitting in his room ruminating without any real outlet 24/7.

    Ive went from bullying in school both physical and mental, every single year simply for being reserved.. and too good natured to fight back to... > College where my social anxiety and previous experiences of school meant I made no friends..well about 3 acquaintances but I never see them or have any contact with them. Now after quitting college (which was not my fault, it followed a dispute with a horrible asshole of a teacher who picked on me for being quiet) I am stuck in the position that I am now, unable to find work simply because there isn't any. Its very difficult to find any work at all in this location, unless you don't mind working for free.

    So that's my life, people have it a whole lot worse of course and I think about that alot and realise that. That however, does not help my situation it just makes me try and accept the idea that my life sucks and I have to somehow deal with and accept it. I've got nothing to live for now though, my life is empty without any sign of change.

    Life however is a test, possibly we are here to endure such things..for whatever exact reason I don't know, but its gotta be worth it otherwise we wouldn't be here. Perhaps we chose to be birthed into this world, knowing that we are infinite conciousness, a soul experiencing life in a human body and cannot die, and that we are eternal. I'm sure we come from a greater place of the universe than this shithole called earth. Our souls do not reside here. We came here to fulfill a mission or possibly experience life in all its shitty glory as some form of test. I guess there are a few theories, but if we chose to come here then we should have the right to choose when to leave, and if God is on our side there shouldn't be any dire consequences for doing so, aside from "failing the mission".
  11. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Never entitling anyone to have to read that huge post, jus feels a bit better to get it out ya know? Unless some magical stroke of luck appears before me then I guess ill resume to hermit mode. Never set out to get all philosophical at the end of the post, I myself usually hate to think/read about consequences if im feeling suicidal so I apologise if its pissed anyone off. Anyway I started the thread so I've got out most I wanted to rant about

    Thanks for all the PM offers too I may take up on them sometime
  12. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    It's incredible how similar our situations are, I don't know if you're as nervous around people you don't know as I am but that's a large part why I stay in my room every day instead of getting out. I also have a temper and a lot of anger built up with no one to talk to, been out of work since like March which doesn't look like I'm going to find another one anytime soon and a so called mother who makes me feel like shit and basically tells me what to do.

    The only advice I can offer is keep looking for work, possibly getting out for a walk or finding something that really interests you. Have you thought about working out? I don't know if you have gyms that are as widely available as they are here, but a membership is usually cheap and you wouldn't believe how much anger and frustration you can get out from having a good work out. I'm a fat guy so it helps with that as well.

    As hard as it may be to believe, I even have a hard time believing it, life can get better but it won't get better by doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything gets better for you, if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
  13. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Hey Brandt thanks for the reply. I realise there are many in the same situation. Its good to find someone that is in the same situation as me. I really cant figure anything to leave the house for other than maybe go to the cinema, and since im on benefits form not being able to find work, I cant do that too often, and it would always be alone . As for working out and joining the gym, well I like that idea and I have wanted to join the gym for some time now. The main problem with that is well id be very self conscious in doing that. Im not a big guy im slim, but unhealthy since I never get to exercise. I think I may just join though regardless of feeling self conscious, because I've been meaning to for some time now.

    I am the same too with being nervous around people, I have social anxiety and so I am not good at socialising either, I never have been so I strayed away from that since a young age. Now I am left without any friends and I would really like to get out and meet people and socialise but I just haven't got a clue what I would even talk about. Id somehow have to try and avoid mentioning my lack of life also and make myself sound interesting..I guess if I never try though Ill never know.

    I agree with what you said, its like the saying goes "If you keep doing what you've always done, then you'll keep getting what you always got" Its just a means of finding a way to break the cycle
  14. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    The best part about joining a gym is that no one there is going to judge, people there are usually either busy doing their own thing and not paying attention to anyone else or they're happy to help out if needed. I hate socializing with people I don't know, I usually just keep my head down and talk as little as possible, but if you force yourself to try being social every now and then it does get a little easier over time. Yes, it is hard to break the cycle, but if you take little steps forward over time you'll notice everything starts to feel better.
  15. arrowpenny

    arrowpenny Member

    I am on the internet all day and night. I dont work and live off ssi. I have thought endlessly about offing myself. I have no job and this year the guy i was dating killed himself. I rarely shower or clean my room. I have no contact with my shitty parents. Feel free to pm me
  16. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Yeah the gym is a good idea, Im going to look into joining next week mainly to have a reason to leave the house. I've always been keen on keeping fit, just never took it up. That's not what I need to be happy though but it will help.

    I know what I need and want and it's a social life and a change of atmosphere, I really need to move out and live elsewhere or have a nice long holiday, but of course I'd need a job first before that can happen. My parents have never ever went away so ive never had the chance to have a proper holiday or get out of the atmosphere im in. I need to get away from parents they either talk to me like a kid or ignore me and say nothing the whole day . They chain smoke as well so I have to breathe in that shit constantly

    Its so hard to be integrated at all in society unless you have a job or a social life. You are right in saying its small steps to get out and do things, its a lot harder if your town is dead and has no attractions or much to do though ..need out of this location as soon as I can.
  17. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    My mother is the same way, she treats me like a kid and takes little jabs at me through the day that really piss me off. She acts like a child herself most of the time and if I were to make jabs at her about what she does and has done, she'd go off her rocker. I'm 22 and was actually living by myself and working since 18, it really is one of the best feelings in the world to leave knowing that it doesn't matter what they say or do anymore because you don't have to put up with it.
  18. richig761

    richig761 New Member

    Damn man... I do a lot of the same stuff you mentioned. Looking up the same things on youtube, internet, etc...
  19. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Ive turned quite retarded even on the internet, I switch between pages and dont really do anything ill browse through other peoples posts on facebook but never contribute or post anything myself, and something i read 10am in the morning id find myself reading again for the 6th time 5 hours later, its so fkn sad.
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