This is my story, please read! (I'm desperate)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Shaun, Aug 25, 2012.

  1. Shaun

    Shaun New Member

    I'm not sure if this is even the right place to explain myself, but it mainly has to do with my obsession/desire for a relationship with someone who I'll never even meet, so here it goes. As a warning, it may get long and it will get weird. But please bare with me. This is my life.

    5 yrs ago, in Sept. 2007, I dropped out of high school. I was experiencing personal problems such as teasing over my obesity and I found it increasingly hard to concentrate on my classwork. I had some friends, but never saw them outside of school. In fact, besides school, I never left my house at all. My grades started slipping and I used to cut classes anyway. So I dropped out. My parents were angry at first, but they saw how troubled I was, so incredibly, they backed off & let me have my space. I began working out often, and managed to lose 60 lbs.
    Thing is, it wasn't supposed to be permanent. The idea was that I was supposed to get immediate help for my problems and then focus on school again. But I didn't. It's been 5 yrs and I never went back. So as you can imagine, I lost all my friends. There's only a handful of people on the planet who even know I exist: my family and my therapist. That's about 20 people altogether.

    And this is where my real problem begins. As a "defense mechanism" to my solitude, I began pretending to be someone I'm not. Someone rich, someone famous, someone important. A rockstar. I started to pretend there were all these celebrities around me who I was friends with. I knew it wasn't real, it just helped kill the loneliness. But the longer I continued to act out these scenarios, the more it became routine. It got to the point where I didn't even realize I was lonely because I would just pretend to be famous and have famous friends. And then, not too long ago, around early 2011, I started doing something that has sent me into the abyss.

    There is an actress I became infatuated with. I cannot bring myself to write her name atm, but I doubt any of you would know her, unless you're big 'Twilight' fans. I first heard of her in 2005, maybe 2006. But what I started doing in 2011 was pretending to be with this girl. And when I say "be with", I'm talking boyfriend/girlfriend type sh*t. By now, you've probably concluded that I've never been with a girl before, and you would be correct. I've never had a girlfriend, so, naturally, pretending to be with this chick was my antidote to loneliness. Every day I would wake up and just start talking to myself. But I'm not schizophrenic, what I was really doing was visualizing her standing right in front of me. Only, I let it go farther than that. By the new year, I was pretending that this girl and I were married -yes, married- and that we had kids together. I didn't do it on purpose, it just manifested and grew out of control; boyfriend/girlfriend to marriage to having children.

    And only just in the last month has reality caught up with me. There is no girl, and I have no wealth or fame. Needless to say, this has thrown me into a downward spiral. My habit of acting out fantasies has now made me obsessed with this actress, and the realization that a relationship with her is an impossible dream is too much for me to handle. First came the crying. Then came the suicidal thoughts. And then I felt the uncontrollable desire to act on those thoughts. I <methods> several times, and I got so hysterical one Sunday not long ago, that I was taken to the ER and kept in the psych unit for 10 hrs. I want to be with this girl. I would trade the world and sell my soul to the devil to make it come true. But it never will. And so I believe the only way to end the misery is through suicide. Talking to my therapist only helps temporarily, and even then, he tells me things that I don't want to hear right now. I want to feel better, but I don't want to let her go. I know "it" will never happen, and that's what's tearing me apart. After playing it out in my head for so long, I want it to happen. Badly.

    I just don't know what I could do besides end my life. There's no other way out of this, and even if there is, it might not necessarily be a way I can accept...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2012
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is a difficult situation to find yourself in and not an easy one to find your way out of. I would presume that the therapist has thrown around words like fixation and delusion, both of which are very counter to your feelings and preferred frame of reference.

    My very very unprofessional opinion- You know and are capable of understanding it is not real - it has not replaced reality for you but simply supplemented the reality you have. As long as that is the case and you can easily distinguish between the two - there is not genuine confusion in your mind about what is real or what is not, then your thoughts and fantasies are your own, just as any other persons are. Unique in some ways but as individuals we are all unique so it stands to reason that our thoughts would be too. You are already seeing a therapist about this and other problems so you are not on your own. Consider setting aside an hour or 2 each day for after working out to just be out and about among people, giving people a chance to be your friend in real life. It came about do to the situation you are found yourself in , it is not likely to be easy or comfortable to go away while in the same situation even if working under the presumption that you actually wanted it to which does not seem to be the case. Try to get more people in your life and you may find less need for your fantasy and have it become more of a pleasant thought rather than a somewhat constant one. Run these ideas by your professional therapist and get his/her opinion.

    Being different does not make you strange or weird, it makes you an individual.