This is my story...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Princeofhope, Jan 27, 2007.

  1. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    ...thanks for looking at this.

    I never thought about suicide, to be honest I saw two people blow off their heads when I was younger. Once was when I was in 10th grade and the other was just last Sept.

    I'm a reporter and my main beat are suicide, rape, death cases. I guess what I'm feeling right now is loneliness, you know?

    I'm taking a massive workload in my college, 8 classes and one of them is a graduate level class. I took up a lot of classes so I could keep my mind off my heart. It's working out great.

    However, I recently started to talk to Japanese College kids over a BBS and they're part of a suicide club.

    I guess the whole point of this post is that maybe the man who spends his time in the darkness is finally becoming part of the darkness.

    Every woman that asks me out now, I shoot down with a passion. I refuse to let them get close to me.

    I guess it has to do with my high school years. I was't that guy that the girls would look at, I was shot down by every girl I ever asked out. Now as I got older more and more women ask me out.

    I'm a pretty decent guy, I speak of justice and standing up for the weak. It's my job, and if I don't do one else will.

    Anyways, I'm just really afraid that the darkness inside me will gain control of my body. I'm afraid that the shadow will become my face and my face will become the shadow. I'm afraid that I'll lose everything.

    I don't know what to do...I'm transfering to Tokyo in the middle of summer to gain my Masters. I'm being expected to keep the same work load for my scholarship. I'm afaird that all this stress will cause me to break.

    ~The Prince of Hope
  2. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    ...but without fear - we forget to cherish what we have.

    It hurts to expose yourself to anyone who might get close. I dont think there is anything wrong with that behavior - HOWEVER I do not think its good either.

    You load yourself up to avoid yourself. In the end you are punishing yourself for feeling and escapeing it all at once. (if that makes any sense I am usually wisest when talking to myself in the mirror LOL)

    Have you ever had anyone you could trust? Anyone you did let come close to you? Did someone leave you alone once?

    We all have ways of sabotageing our own success as well - I hope I am not pokeing too much by saying that.

  3. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    To be honest, I never really could trust anyone. I was molested when I was younger and I never told anyone. When I was younger, I always spent time alone but people always asked if I wanted to play...

    ...I just don't know why I'm like this. It's gotten to a point of when I think about suicide everyday. It's not my own suicide but other people, the people who I write about and can't publish because it's "harmful" to report about suicide.

    I just feel really alone. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke weed...I never hit first base, etc.

    I'm only 19 and a half. I know I'm young and my problems are tiny compared to real ones on here but I dunno, I just really feel sick and tired.

    And here I am talking about myself to people who I have no idea are.

  4. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member have no idea who we are here thats true. But I came here like that too.

    Sometimes strangers can give you the greatest perspective - I didn't say its that way all of the time...but this goes back to you saying you talk to a lot of people about suicide and now you are becomeing obsessed with it. (if I gathered it all right...) I learn so much from talking to others. Before I do what I do now - I worked in a rehab clinic. Now I HATE people but I hate people because it involves feelings if you want to know someone and I struggle with that every day because we were not supposed to be alone from the beginning... Once I started talking to people and learning helped. Maybe you do what you do to feel needed and have a purpose...and maybe even just a part of you really wants to help. Its balancing emotional involvement thats hard...

    I sorry your trust was destroyed as a child. I cant guarantee you your trust will ever be safe - but I can tell you that its important to be able to put it into perspective and USE your past to help - not destroy you.

    This is where total strangers can help you.

  5. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    Curtius, I believe it was you who wrote:

    ...but without fear - we forget to cherish what we have.

    So true. I knew my friend was in crisis last year, starting about April. I made some attempts to stay in touch. Overall, she had become fairly psychotic and was pushing everyone away. (As I didn't often see her other friends, I took it kinda personally.) So, staying in touch was a hurdle. She died in late December. Looking back, I see how I didn't have a fire under me. I was looking at it too cerebrally. And, her dad told a mutual friend in Sept. that she was doing, "Good". So, I let my guard down. As I had NEVER lost anyone I cared about to death, I had no picture of what it would do to me. So, I lacked determination.

    Looking back, with 20/20 hindsight, I wish I had sent a friendship card, and/or Christmas present through the mail. I feel guilty now.

    But, to sum up, I just lacked a fire under me. Next time I sense a friend is in trouble, I am gonna start feeling real hot.

  6. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    Feeding me my own words eh?


    welp - even if you were the only one to ever read them I suppose it was worth it then... ;-)

    I wish I had a way of describing that "fire" that occurs...and here I am the poet.


    Prince? how you doing anyways?

  7. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    I'm fine, I'm sorry if I'm not posting much...this is the first time I'm on since I first posted. Busy, you know.

    Thank you guys for the words. I'm still young and I have a long life to live if God permits.

    I'll get over my persona's and hopefully find a way to trust myself with other people.

    ~Prince of Hosts