It's long, so most of you will ignore it. For the few who will read it, thank you. My entire life, I've been a failure at everything I did. I got Cs throughout all my schooling, I've never felt the warmth of a woman's lips, and I've never done much with my life. The only good thing I've been able to do is lying to myself and to others. I'm good at lying. I'm located in Japan, so none of you will be able to find me, and don't bother. My mind has always been this constant chaos of disorganization. Lack of focus. Today is just enough. I've realized how much I fucked up my life, my parent's life, my friends, my family, and my brother. I feel so strange right now. I'm crying, but I'm smiling...it's just a constant stream of tears that won't go away. They feel warm, it makes me feel at peace in a strange way. Knowing that my entire life...has been a joke. I've tried so hard to help people. So hard to give people a chance that they deserve so much more than I do. I've watched so many of them die, move on, or blossom into something greater. I'm writing this, because I just can't stop crying. Tears are constantly coming out of my eyes...they won't stop. Maybe because inside me knows what's going to happen. On the outside I pretend to help people, pretend to help children, pretend I care about saving lives...internally I don't think I do. Internally, I fight with myself daily...at times I just want to hurt people, make them suffer for the crimes they committed. I'm tired of helping people...I can't keep doing it. At end it doesn't matter. We're all going to die one day, and it'll either be the most beautiful or most painful thing for us. Everyday I wake up reminding myself how much of a failure I am at time, everyday I step closer and closer onto the tracks as a train passes by. Everyday I ask myself why I didn't do it. I've met some people on here. All of them but one have died so far. The one who is living, is trying hard to make their life better. I have so much respect for that person. I'm not strong. I'm afraid of being alone. I never had much faith in God. I've disappointed everyone I've ever met. I'm posting this on here not for help, but for some random person to read. My mind is in a constant state of chaos...debating good and evil. These tears won't stop at all...why? I've been typing for over fifteen minutes now...I just can't stop crying. Maybe because I know my story might be coming to an end soon. I've spent a good deal of my life pretending to be a knight, pretending that this world had ideals and morals that could inspire people. All of that is a lie. What do we have left to show when we move on? I have nothing. I've hurt more than I've healed. I've let people I care about get hurt more than any other person. It's almost midnight here, almost a new day. Time is stagnant for me. The worst about all of this, I've been given a silver spoon...and had it fed to me. I've ruined a chance to make life better...I was selfish. I've always been selfish. I won't anymore. My gift to whoever is listening is this: I know your life must be really hard right now...and you were desperate enough to get help online. I know what it feels like. Everything works out at the end as long as you have a will to live, a desire to survive, a muse to cherish in your heart. Don't end up as a failure as I am. Your wings, no matter how torn...are still wings. No horror can deny that. You might feel you're alone, but you aren't. Hope is your most powerful weapon, don't ever lose it. Don't lose it like I did. Fly...uses those ashes to build a nest. Fall in love, grow old, have children, pass down your genes and memes. All of you have a chance. Don't die. It hurts so much inside, I should know...I'm still crying. My heart hurts...my lungs are finding it harder to breathe, my nostrils are finding it harder to take in the air, and my eyes just want to sleep. Don't sleep. Don't sleep just yet. You'll have an eternity to sleep. Smile in the mirror, tell something good about yourself to yourself. Smile. Forever. All but one of the people I've met on here died. The last one is trying to start a new life. Follow that person's example. Give life a second chance. Thank you. I'm tired, I'm going to sleep.