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This Is My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Princeofhope, Jan 28, 2009.

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  1. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    It's long, so most of you will ignore it. For the few who will read it, thank you.

    My entire life, I've been a failure at everything I did. I got Cs throughout all my schooling, I've never felt the warmth of a woman's lips, and I've never done much with my life. The only good thing I've been able to do is lying to myself and to others. I'm good at lying.

    I'm located in Japan, so none of you will be able to find me, and don't bother. My mind has always been this constant chaos of disorganization. Lack of focus. Today is just enough.

    I've realized how much I fucked up my life, my parent's life, my friends, my family, and my brother.

    I feel so strange right now. I'm crying, but I'm smiling...it's just a constant stream of tears that won't go away. They feel warm, it makes me feel at peace in a strange way. Knowing that my entire life...has been a joke.

    I've tried so hard to help people. So hard to give people a chance that they deserve so much more than I do. I've watched so many of them die, move on, or blossom into something greater.

    I'm writing this, because I just can't stop crying. Tears are constantly coming out of my eyes...they won't stop. Maybe because inside me knows what's going to happen.

    On the outside I pretend to help people, pretend to help children, pretend I care about saving lives...internally I don't think I do. Internally, I fight with myself daily...at times I just want to hurt people, make them suffer for the crimes they committed.

    I'm tired of helping people...I can't keep doing it. At end it doesn't matter. We're all going to die one day, and it'll either be the most beautiful or most painful thing for us. Everyday I wake up reminding myself how much of a failure I am at time, everyday I step closer and closer onto the tracks as a train passes by. Everyday I ask myself why I didn't do it.

    I've met some people on here. All of them but one have died so far. The one who is living, is trying hard to make their life better. I have so much respect for that person.

    I'm not strong. I'm afraid of being alone. I never had much faith in God. I've disappointed everyone I've ever met. I'm posting this on here not for help, but for some random person to read. My mind is in a constant state of chaos...debating good and evil.

    These tears won't stop at all...why? I've been typing for over fifteen minutes now...I just can't stop crying. Maybe because I know my story might be coming to an end soon.

    I've spent a good deal of my life pretending to be a knight, pretending that this world had ideals and morals that could inspire people. All of that is a lie.

    What do we have left to show when we move on? I have nothing. I've hurt more than I've healed. I've let people I care about get hurt more than any other person.

    It's almost midnight here, almost a new day. Time is stagnant for me. The worst about all of this, I've been given a silver spoon...and had it fed to me. I've ruined a chance to make life better...I was selfish. I've always been selfish. I won't anymore.

    My gift to whoever is listening is this:

    I know your life must be really hard right now...and you were desperate enough to get help online. I know what it feels like. Everything works out at the end as long as you have a will to live, a desire to survive, a muse to cherish in your heart. Don't end up as a failure as I am. Your wings, no matter how torn...are still wings. No horror can deny that. You might feel you're alone, but you aren't. Hope is your most powerful weapon, don't ever lose it. Don't lose it like I did.

    Fly...uses those ashes to build a nest. Fall in love, grow old, have children, pass down your genes and memes. All of you have a chance. Don't die. It hurts so much inside, I should know...I'm still crying. :)

    My heart hurts...my lungs are finding it harder to breathe, my nostrils are finding it harder to take in the air, and my eyes just want to sleep.

    Don't sleep. Don't sleep just yet. You'll have an eternity to sleep. Smile in the mirror, tell something good about yourself to yourself. Smile. Forever.

    All but one of the people I've met on here died. The last one is trying to start a new life. Follow that person's example. Give life a second chance.

    Thank you. I'm tired, I'm going to sleep.
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your kind words.but i think you need to listen to them more so than us right now.you said its never to late.well guess what.its never to late. :hug: sleep well and in the morning look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive.
  3. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    im sure that there are so many people that you have made a difference to in a good way in their lives without you realising it. i think your trying to focus too much on the negatives which maybe is what is making everything seem so stagnant. how about you give yourself a second chance because you are worth it x
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So sorry your tears are filling your space...each of us knows how we have to put on a cheery face to be in the world sometimes, but here you can be assured that there are some ppl who know what it is like to live in the split...one thing I did was to find a good reason to smile...it was something seemingly banal-the way the leaves of a tree enveloped a lamp post...it was good to find my 'zen' in this way...I have built from this other things that bring me joy/relief, but it did start from very simple things...wishing you relief and happiness, big hugs, J
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    You sound incrediably guilt ridden. Not only for the things you have done in your own personal past, but you seem to also be taking on everyone elses failings too. You say that you try to pretend to people that the world has morals and ideals, but i say you are actually trying to say that to yourself. You can't protect people from bad things, because bad things will always happen in life - but it is how we deal with these bad things that matter. If we let them ruin us and stop us trying again then that truly would make the world a bad place.

    I have no doubt you are good at lying, it is afterall your self-preservation, i do the same. But do you know what is even better at lying? Depression. Its very essence is to rob a person of hope, to yell at them that they're a dissappointment, a loser, a liar, a coward, weak and it clouds your judgement so all that you can see is bad. Sometimes when we feel this much pain it feels easier to try and save others because we pray that by doing so we will save ourselves...or that person will return the favour! But to be honest instead of being a knight in shining armour you need to realise that only you can help yourself, and the first step is allowing yourself to get help. Otherwise it will all seem hopeless because the depression will win.

    The minute you allow yourself the right to say 'perhaps i'm not seeing things the way they are', the minute you start to share some of your confusing thoughts on the war between good and bad, you'll start the road to recovery and realise that you aren't as lost as your thought, and even more, you aren't as alone as your thought.

    So why don't you allow yourself that hope - that is what all the tears are for, you want to be rescued.
  6. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner...I guess I was scared to come back here. I finally read what all of you wrote, and thank you.

    It's true, I've been thinking about it a lot. I think I help people because I want my sins forgiven somehow. This "hero-complex", it's nothing more than an excuse for me to help people to feel slightly better.

    At times, I want to hurt people a lot. I want to be responsible for stopping wars by nuking out fighting countries. I want to torture people who commit crimes. Then I tell myself that I'm good inside. My mind can't focus at all on a choice.

    It hurts a lot knowing you can't do anything to help people.

    After I wrote my first post, my eyes hurt so much. I had a hard time sleeping, for a crazy second, I thought my friends and family knew I posted on here...and I felt scared.

    I am depressed. Often. I'm not a fan of medication either, I hate it. I'm also not going to pay someone to listen to me complain. I mean, who would do that in Japan? Hah.

    This past week has been really hard on me. Memories of people I knew, people who I either parted ways with or moved on. Even the people I just met online...they weren't just binary numbers. They had souls.

    You know, I really don't know why I'm typing this. But it helps me feel a little better, not lying anymore.

    I've never had a real girlfriend, I've never kissed a girl on the lips, and I've never truly lived. The most I've done was climb Mt. Fuji on my birthday. It's the only thing I've felt strong doing...but it hurt.

    I was stupid to wanting to jump on the tracks. I'm sorry if I worried any of you. I'll try to control any future panic attacks with focus.

    Thank you everyone, it means a lot to me.
  7. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi . .. i just saw your original post, just now. somehow i missed it. . . .

    please don't apologize for 'worrying' anyone . we all come here and worry about each other - it is a way of taking care of ourselves - and others - and both those things are healthy traits.

    if you could turn some of your thoughts around - look at them in a different way. depression causes our thinking to be twisted....sometimes very subtly, other times HUGELY. maybe the 'hero complex' , ie;, a search for your own atonement.....is really......simply you are a good person. you want to help others. because that is your beautiful insides. . . shining out onto the world.

    climbing Mt. Fuji is AWESOME. . . . i think you must have the heart of a lion ......... but the depression covers it up - from yourSELF.

    glad to 'meet' you. i hope you stay here and i hope you pm me anytime, if you want to talk :hug:
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