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This is not easy. (long)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Jace, Oct 21, 2013.

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  1. Jace

    Jace Active Member

    I want to start off saying that this all has ended a few years ago, I am now an adult but I still live with my father. I'm finishing nursing school next year and I am ready to leave this toxic environment behind. It is excruciating being constantly reminded of all that I have typed below.

    I have never really opened up about the abuse I have endured - but I think it is important for it to be out there. I am tired of fighting this battle alone.

    I joined this forum a few years ago after I first attempted suicide, I briefly opened up about how I was feeling but never really discussed abuse.

    I was abused from around the age of 4 until I was 15. For the first few years it was a rare occurrence and not too severe, it usually amounted to a glass, table, or some other object being thrown at me. It progressively got worse as I aged, it turned to spankings with objects. I would barely be able to walk to class, I would use the restroom to find blood dripping down my leg. I was often thrown and pushed up against walls, I would walk away with an entire side of my body being bruised - he would tell me to stop being so clumsy. He tormented my older sister but never laid a hand on her. Most of the beatings I received were from protecting her. He was also very manipulative. The mental abuse was the worst. I would go to school and be bullied because I was timid, then I'd go home and hide in my room terrified of what could happen.

    Yes, this was by my father, the on who was suppose to love me unconditionally as I navigated my way through life. My mother committed suicide when I was 3 1/2, I found out a few years ago she was abused by him as well. He got a new girlfriend - who he is still with to this day. She watched it all happened and turned a blind eye to it. She has suffered from the mental abuse like the rest of us, but she has also been physically abused a handful of times. She also played a role in my abuse.

    I recently confronted my abusers.They both denied that it ever happened - they blamed it on my mental health disorders and claimed that I was hallucinating or dreaming. It was infuriating. Sadly I feel that I need them to accept that it has happened in order for my soul to heal. Some say I need to forgive them in order to move past it, but I am not that strong. I don't think I will ever be that strong. I often question if they deserve forgiveness and always end up drawing the conclusion that they do indeed deserve forgiveness. But they will not receive it until I am not constantly reminded of the abuse, and when they are ready to admit fault.

    I am heartbroken that this is the life that I have lived this far. But my girlfriend of 4 years constantly reminds me that it is never too late for happily ever after.
    As she and I talk about getting married - potential children, I am reminded that I have no family to share these beautiful moments with.

    I'd love to hear from you reader, we all need to find peace and we can do that better with each other.

    Take care,
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want to reply and let you know I've read what you posted. I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you, and it had to take a LOT of courage for you to post here.

    I know many people feel the key to moving past hurtful things is forgiveness. And I've never been through what you have; but I can honestly say that if I had, I doubt I would be able to forgive the people that abused me. This is just my opinion, but forgiveness should be earned. And the fact your father won't even admit to what he's done to you, doesn't sound like he deserves your forgiveness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2013
  3. Jace

    Jace Active Member

    Thank you for the response WildCherry, it means a lot to have someone to talk to about this.

    I have reached a part in my life where I feel that I am strong enough to get past this, but I have no idea where the journey to forgiveness/healing is suppose to start. These memories have haunted me my entire life, they have held me down for far too long and I am ready to move on. I am aware that this journey will not be simple or quick but I'd like to believe that I began healing long before the abuse even ended.

    I have been sitting here composing this message for what has to have been the last 20 minutes. It's very difficult to put my feelings regarding this subject into words that can properly convey how I am feeling, so please forgive me if any message regarding the matter seems a little scatter-brained :dizzy:
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm so sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you :hug: But you are very strong to get through all of that, I don't think I would have been able to. You certainly don't have to forgive them, especially if they won't even admit to any wrongdoing. I hope someday you will be able to heal from this, but it sounds like you are making good progress towards a better life and found someone you truly care about and who cares about you just as much. Love is a very powerful and healing force, and I'm glad that you found that with your girlfriend. You may not have your family's support, but you can have your own family, and show them so much love and caring.
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I can relate to what you've been through, I had similar experiences growing up, at the hand of my stepfather.

    I have to agree with WildCherry on this. It is not required that you forgive the person who abused you in order to move on from it. I haven't seen my stepfather in nearly 20 years. I still hate him with every fiber of my being to this very day, and I always will. I will never forgive him, because the things he has done are unforgiveable. He is less of a man than he is a demon.

    I do believe in forgiveness and giving people second chances, but only if those people are truly repentant for what they have done. I simply cannot forgive someone who doesn't believe they have done anything wrong.

    Listen to your girlfriend. She is right. Trust me, families do NOT all love unconditionally. Mine never did. You do not need a "family", meaning mother, father, sister, brother, etc., in order to be happy. There are lots of bad families out there who do more harm than good. I haven't seen my own family in years, and I have little desire to. You do have something that I envy, though, and that is a woman who loves you, who you envision a beautiful future with. She will bring you much more happiness than your "family" ever did or could. You say you don't have anyone to share those beautiful moments with - of course you do. You have your girlfriend, and perhaps her family, and possibly one day children of your own. THAT is your family. Family isn't just a matter of blood relation. Family are the ones closest to us, the ones who love us the most. If you cannot get the love, the apology, the acknowledgement you seek from your father, then you need to let it go and seek those things from people who are willing to give it to you.

    And let's be honest - if your father was that bad to you, do you really want him anywhere near your future wife and children? I know I certainly wouldn't. I wouldn't let my stepfather set foot anywhere near anybody I cared about. The man is sick and he belongs in prison, then eventually hell, for the things that he has done. Forgiveness is not a prerequisite to happiness. Realizing that you deserve better than that, is.
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