This is not my life anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wdicwg, Aug 28, 2012.

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  1. wdicwg

    wdicwg Member

    I'm tired of this. This back and forth, the days of struggle followed by days of good to only be crushed when the bad come again. Of feeling like I am being pushed and pulled endlessly without being able to change anything. I can't take this anymore feeling like everything is gone, like everyone has left me or has turned against me. Hoping that my one last anchor of hope will disappear any day. Things used to be different, I used to be happy. I used to have people. I used to have meaning. I used to be ok. I used to have control. Now all I have is pain, is fear, is uselessness, is being alone. This is not my life anymore, and this is a life I don't want. I'm ready to give up, to just be done with all of this. I want more than anything to let go, but I feel like I can't, like that one anchor will prevent me as long as he is still around. The worst part is I don't know if I want him to stay or go. I know if he stays I will live and if he goes I will die, but is it better to live and hope it gets better or is it better to die and leave the hurt behind. Either way for now I will have to stay in this life that is no longer mine in this shell that is hollow and dead inside.
  2. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    The good days, are always ones to hold on to when things get tough. It may seem hopeless at the moment, but there is always a way forward and up. You say things used to be different and you were happy, was there anything to change that?
    You can still have that control over your life, and you can lead it yourself, you just need to find the reins for it again. Yes it will be difficult, but they are there, and they are yours to take and guide.

  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same as you. I feel as though I don't even know the person I am know, or the person that I was.

    Do you have a therapist or psychologist that you can talk to?

    You could take some classes at a community college to focus your mind on something. What's something that you've always wanted to do?
  4. wdicwg

    wdicwg Member

    I guess something did change it, or more a string of things, but it seems so much like I can't find up some days. Thank you for reminding me its still there even if I still can't find it.
  5. wdicwg

    wdicwg Member

    It helps in an odd way to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I haven't really had the best luck with therapists and had never thought about taking classes, but they are something to consider.
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