I'm tired of this. This back and forth, the days of struggle followed by days of good to only be crushed when the bad come again. Of feeling like I am being pushed and pulled endlessly without being able to change anything. I can't take this anymore feeling like everything is gone, like everyone has left me or has turned against me. Hoping that my one last anchor of hope will disappear any day. Things used to be different, I used to be happy. I used to have people. I used to have meaning. I used to be ok. I used to have control. Now all I have is pain, is fear, is uselessness, is being alone. This is not my life anymore, and this is a life I don't want. I'm ready to give up, to just be done with all of this. I want more than anything to let go, but I feel like I can't, like that one anchor will prevent me as long as he is still around. The worst part is I don't know if I want him to stay or go. I know if he stays I will live and if he goes I will die, but is it better to live and hope it gets better or is it better to die and leave the hurt behind. Either way for now I will have to stay in this life that is no longer mine in this shell that is hollow and dead inside.