This is probably the end.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Z16, Jun 5, 2011.

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  1. Z16

    Z16 New Member

    I just can't take my life anymore. I feel like a useless shell of a human being. I was bullied when I was young and the memories are slowly creeping their way back into my head. I don't know what do as I can't talk in person about my feelings. I've locked up completely in the head. The only gear my brain and body seems to be working on is sad. I've felt this way before and I nearly killed myself then. But I just don't know if I can't pull myself up this time.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Z...so sorry you are feeling this way...what has brought you to this point now? Please share with us what is going on...big hugs, J
     
  3. Z16

    Z16 New Member

    I saw something about bullying on T.V. and bad memories started to flood back in. Now I just feel useless and alone like I don't deserve to live. To be honest I think I may have a depression problem that's randomly triggered. The only time I'm feel happy is when I'm high and I'm tired of it. I can't talk about this shit in person because I'm scared what will people say of possible medication of more ridicule.
     
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I would not put too much into your thoughts, since nothing is ever as bas as what you make them out to be in your own mind, ESPECIALLY when you look back on things months, even years later.
    If you don't feel like you can talk with anyone about what you feel, why don't you try using a medium - say a journal (http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=96 - even here, you have the option of posting your thoughts online where you decide if others can read them, but not reply or simply keep it private ) or even just jot down some of your thoughts on a piece of paper then scrunch it up and throw it into your desk drawer without ever reading it back? A lot of the time just the notion of putting into words what you feel can be as therapeutic as if you actually talk with someone.
    At least, that is what I found, and how it later made me realise my potential to become the journalist I have been for the last few years.
    I wouldn't pull the plug on your life just yet. There is still a lot more to your life story that HAS to be told.
     
  5. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Z16 - Can you see that your mind is not for you or on your side now? The human mind can be great tools when we use it; but when the mind uses us, it can be destructive sometimes. The good thing is that we do have a choice: when we realize that the mind is not for us - not making us feel good, we can choose not to listen to the mind…

    The “bullies” themselves are confused. Their confused intention is to make you feel bad through your mind. Why would you “cooperate” with them and let them succeed? What if you go beyond their behaviours and choose not to feel bad? Also, you can choose not to let others’ opinions affect you when they are against you. You have the power to be the “winner” in your life, you know

    Wish you well!
     
  6. paulj

    paulj Member

    Im sorry ur feeling so low. I can understand those feelings.

    I agree with you that it is hard to talk to people in the real world about such things. I find it much easier online. It helps me the most to chat with someone who understands and just listens. They are hard to find but for me they are much more helpful than therapists or at least helpful in very different ways.

    Good luck.

    I hope this forum helps you. Perhaps try the chat if you havent already.
     
  7. Z16

    Z16 New Member

    Well I guess for the better I just passed out last night. I'm still real depressed currently. For the people saying to ignore the mind and memories you don't realize how hard it is. The bullying was harsh and traumatizing for my young mind and it still hits deep within me. I lost my grandma when I was 12 and she was the only person who got me. She was the only person who I felt truly cared for me and tragically cancer got her, and I couldn't even say my last words to her. Mentally after all of that at a young age my mental state is pretty much fragile.
     
  8. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Z16 - I know it is hard, but it is not impossible and it is how true healing happens…

    I don’t know how old you are now. Such experiences can be painful, but they can also make you stronger. I also know that you do have what it takes to get through this as this is how we are made. We just need to believe that we can!

    I had similar experiences when I was 12 or 13 years old in (junior) high school. The bullies were my friends but my dad was violent and forcefully stopped me hanging out with them. Then they turned against me. Worse yet, I had no one to turn to, not even my own family. My dad’s violence made it almost unbearable and at one point I really wanted to die. I even pictured my own death, but I went through it by spending most of my time alone for years, “hanging out” with the characters in the books I was reading or with the authors of the books. (As the saying goes, reading a good book is like talking with a good friend.) Maybe you can say that my “friends” from the books were more powerful than those bullies. The experiences made me stronger, which also helped me in my later life experiences.

    I had no communication with my dad for the past few years (I moved to live in a different country) and I didn’t get to see him when he passed away last year (which I only found out recently). Somehow, I don’t feel bad about all this as I know that I cannot do anything to change anything in the past, not even one bit…and I don’t feel the need to, either…

    Anyway, ultimately it is up to our own consciousness to choose how to take things from the outside world through our mind. I choose to focus on the now, accept what is now, and do what I can now…

    Take care and be well!
     
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