What makes me feel lame: I'm fat (15 lbs overweight) because I overeat and don't exercise. I don't have clothes that fit me and look nice because my fatness makes it difficult (and degrading) to go out and buy something decent and because I feel like the other people are staring at me. I act awkward and very self-conscious when I'm around people because I feel fat and ugly and under-dressed, which in turn makes them feel awkward, so then it's even harder to act normal. I want to go out and exercise, because that would help me lose weight and generally feel better, and because I still love and miss swimming and running, but I don't because I feel like people are staring at me and my fat is jiggling and they can see all the marks on my skin. So then I end up spending more time at home, which leaves me more time to sleep and get fatter and pick at my skin. All of this makes me feel like shit so I eat something fatty, which makes me gain more weight and feel even shittier. So then this shitty feeling makes me sit around the house (if I don't have class) and ruminate over how fat and hideous and awkward I am. When I should be doing something else, like studying, I get distracted by eating or picking or looking up info on the net (about something that's on my Failures That Make Me Feel Shitty list). I can barely even concentrate on that because I'm so fidgety, probably because I don't exercise and sit around doing nothing all day. I don't have friends because I sit around the house doing nothing and social interaction is very awkward and shameful. So studying is hard (getting into a study group nearly impossible due to my loner-status), and social interaction is even harder; good grades + good references are two very important things I need to make it to med school, and two very important things I don't have. My dream is falling apart [adds to the list of FTMMFS]. This is what I mean when I say that I'm stuck. Being stuck is very frustrating and makes me want to die (and all the ruminations and morbid/gory/violent thoughts that come with that, I'm sure you all know what I mean), which adds to the feeling of being stuck, because believing that I'll be dead anyway is not conducive to change. It's so lame and ridiculous. I could go on and on and on but this is so fucking lame. The lameness makes me feel shitty already so you don't have to point it out.