I'm so tired of this. The loneliness never recedes, and I just feel like I'm rotting inside. I'm just slowly dying, the pain of solitude eating away at my resolve. I told myself I would stop caring, I finally admitted to myself that it's time to throw in the towel on her, but I can't. It's not even that, I can deal with being around her as a friend, but that's just the thing. She doesn't view me as a friend. I'm just some random stoner who likes to hang out in the percussion section when band isn't practicing. She knows my name, sure, but that's about it. I've never hung out with her at all, she never talks to me unless I start the conversation. I just want this to stop, I want everything out of my head and I just want to be fucking happy. But I can't, because nobody wants to spend time with me unless it's to light up a blunt. As fun as that is, I want something legitimate. I'm so tired of saying this but I just want someone to feel the same way about me as I do about them. That's never happened to me in my entire life. You know what my problem is? I just figured it out. The way I talk about this makes me seem like a stalker, but that's not me. I'm not a stalker, I just dont have the balls to talk to girls. I have no idea how to act, social norms with girls are just so inconsistent and unpredictable. Some like assholes, a few like nice guys, but no one likes a shy, socially awkward seventeen year old that likes to hang around with other groups to feel like he fits in. I don't fit in, I just like to tag along with kids I kind of know so that I feel like I have friends. I have one or two real friends, but other than that I'm just by myself. All day. It kills me to know that I'm 'that kid.' I want to cry but I can't. I want to be happy but all I feel is pain. I'm stuck, trapped like an animal in a cage with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. This is MY life. I've played the cards I've been dealt by whoever or whatever runs the show in this world. I've never folded, never seriously wanted to, but when all I get is shitty hands when everyone around me is winning, I feel like I might give up. I don't want to give up.