This is the only way I can talk about it.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Aliesha, May 28, 2016.

  1. Aliesha

    Aliesha Member

    The nights are the worst. During the day the every day sounds can out weigh the noises in my head, the hussel and bussel of things makes it almost impossible sometimes to hear what I know is constantly going on in my head. When the sun goes down though they suffocate me with the secrets that they hold, the whispering and the constant and over bearing loud voices that come out of the shadows. Sometimes I can not depict whose voice is whose, I could not even tell you what they are saying because they are all so loud that they overlap each other. Those nights are almost bearable because I do not have to Liston to the words I can just Liston to the white noise of it all and sometimes it is even soothing.
    When his voice is there though it is like nothing else is around and it echoes in my mind, it is not just his voice but his smell as well, the feel of his skin and the feeling of his hot breath on the back of my neck. It makes my skin stand up and my blood boil. Even those nights though are not the worst, the worst are the nights I wish for him.
    I wish for the sound of his laugh and the way he would hug me, even though it makes me sick and makes me want to scream at the idea of his hands touching me again I crave what I thought I had. Someone I could trust, someone who was older and wiser and ... stronger. I wanted to be carried by someone who could handle me. I could not look after myself that much I knew and he promised.
    HE PROMISED!
    My skin sometimes itches so much I scratch it until it bleeds, I scratch until I can feel the layers of skin coming off and I can get some kind of relief. I can still feel it under my skin though and it makes me want to scream. There is evil in my blood I can feel it as it travels through my body to my heart and my head, he made sure of it. He made sure I was evil. He did this to me, knowingly. He knew it was wrong, he knew what he was doing was not the right thing to do but yet he kept at it, his eyes looking over me like I was a piece of meat, a toy, something for him to play with. Always starting from head and traveling down, I could almost feel he's gaze even when it was behind me. How long had he looked at me like that before I realized? Had it been from the start? Had I been too stupid to realize that I was just a project for him? Was it all a lie or did he think that what he was doing was ... good?
    ....You killed me every time you came into my room. I would lay there my heart thumping in my ears and I would hope that it would not happen again. but at the same time... I needed clarity. I needed you. I had no one else. You took advantage of my willingness, my eagerness to please and my constant need for contact. And the worst thing... The worst thing is...
    I still crave it.
    How could you do it though. Your wife was literally right across the hall! She was sometimes in the room when you looked at me, she noticed, she hated me for it, blamed me for it. Did you notice? Care? She took her anger out on me and belittled me for the things you where doing to me. She of course did not know the extent of it all but she knew you paid attention to me and not her, she knew you came into my room before hers and what other conclusion is there?
    I feel sick sometimes because sometimes I wish it happened to me when I was younger so that I could have blocked it out like so many other people have been able to, I am envious of them because they do not have to relive the worst moments of there life every day, the things that happened they might as well have happened yesterday because I can remember them so clearly, like a movie playing in my head every second of every minute. I hate that I was old enough to know what was going on, know that it was wrong and that it should not have been happening because I should have been able to say no.
    NO! NO! NO! NO!
    Why did I never say no? I never rolled away, I never even said anything to you when it was happening, I never pushed you away or tried to get away I just let it happen. I was old enough. I knew it was wrong. I should have said no. Would you have listened? If I had of said no would you have stopped what you were doing? I will never know.
     
  2. seadra

    seadra Active Member

    It's good you can let it out,let us know your pain. I know the felling of wanting to get away from someone you care for. They manipulate you,tear you to shreds. They know it,they love it. It's their posin,how they kill and spread their disease. It's sickening and makes me rage
     
  3. Aliesha

    Aliesha Member

    I am away from him, It happened more then 5 years ago. 5 Years ago and he is still poisoning my life. Still getting into my dreams and into my mind. It is like a sickness. He is the sickness. I hate that he is still impacting my life. I wish I could get away from it, get over it, get passed it but I have no idea how!
     
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Just because things happened when people were younger does not mean that we do not remember. Those memories can eventually come back to us.

    I am sorry that this happened to you. Do not blame yourself for any of it. *hugs*

    Have you reached out for professional help?
     
  5. Aliesha

    Aliesha Member

    I know I am sorry.
    I hope I did not offend you with that comment, it was late night ramblings. I do not actually think people have it easier if it happened to them at a younger age. I just wish I could not remember. Projecting I guess. I am sorry.
    I am looking into it now, I have wanted to for a long time but have been really scared to take that first step towards it I guess. Asking for help, I am not very good at it at the best of times. I am slowly making my way towards getting professional help though, I guess this is me trying to start going some where and trying to start to talk about things.
     
  6. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hi I am Mox

    I am happy for you that you are away from that sexual predator. ARE YOU SAFE FROM THAT MONSTER? Please tell me you don't have a little sister and he has just moved on to her?

    Now you can begin to rebuild yourself slowly but surely. It sucks your mom knew and did nothing but blame you, she's as much to blame as what happened to you as he is for not stopping it. Do you still have a relationship with either of them? I can't imagine the ways this has hurt you; your going to have to dig deep and find a strength you did not know you had to fix yourself. My young friend you have a long and difficult road ahead of you. I think starting counseling is a wonderful idea.

    Do you have any friends or extended family you can lean on for support? Maybe find a support group in your area you can go to? Maybe write a dairy to help you sort through all of the conflicting emotions you are feeling?

    WE are here for you just , just reach out and we will help you anyway we can.

    Take Care of yourself