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This is the the truth!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Prof.Bruttenholm, Jul 20, 2010.

  1. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    People keep telling me to post how I really feel and let it out, saying it will make me feel better.

    Well, here it is.

    I am angry, sad and ugly.

    I hate myself. I cant improve on my art, no matter how much I practice, I got into too it too f-ing late and now I know I wont improve or catch up with everyone else who is so much better than me and I know even if I get accepted to a better college I wont ever get a job because my portfolio will stick suck.
    I am too far behind everyone else, I will never be a professional graphic design, illustrator or anything. I've tried everything.

    I am so f-ing tired of hearing what you people say, it's the same thing over and over. I've tried, tried raising my confidence, tried liking myself, tried practicing, tried tried tried F-ING!! tried and I wish I could actually curse on this forum.

    I hate myself, I hate all of you I know deep down no matter how hard I try I wont ever accomplish my dream and I keep thinking of horribly gorey ways to kill myself because I deserve to feel anguish and pain in the last seconds before I die.

    Now go to hell, read my signature! And stop telling me the same damn crap everyone else does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Lots of people curse on the forum. As far as I know, there's no rule against that.
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I kinda get how you feel on the dream front. My dream job is to be a movie director. I've already accepted I'll never achieve it; I accepted that a long long time ago, but people keep telling me not to give up, and it kinda pisses me off. Why do they insist on filling my head with crap that won't, can't ever come true?

    How many successful FEMALE movie directors have you heard of?
    Oh yeah?
    How many successful MALE movie directors have you heard of?
    Cue list of about a thousand more names than the first question garnered (if any). I myself can only think of one and that's the director of the goddamn Twilight movies. :\

    Just cause you can't achieve your dream doesn't mean that you're worthless or a failure, though. Just means you can't do it. It happens. Nobody's perfect. Maybe you'll find something else you're good at and enjoy doing. Maybe you won't. Just gotta try different things out.
  4. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I've tried different things, nothing I am suited for and nothing I will be suited for.
    I am a failure and feel like hurting myself.

    Your dream is more plausible, female directors dont have to be movie directors, you could work small like daytime television that night time special then made for t.v. movies then full films
  5. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    And another thing, I am tired of people telling me "try something else".

    It's my dream, nothing else will suit me, I'll be unhappy the rest of my life because of unfulfilled dreams.

    So basically, when I can't achieve my dream, then I kill myself.

    Not quickly like the rest of you, not with <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    Slowly, I am gonna make myself hurt so bad that I wish I was dead right down to the last second.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2010
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to say in response to that, in that case. I think as much as our situations are slightly similar, they're also very different. You seem to really want your dream and be willing to fight for it, though you lack sufficient motivation and confidence in yourself and your abilities. What you say about being really far behind everyone is probably very accurate; I won't lie, but that doesn't mean you can't be great at it. I'm not going to be like other people and say all the usual garbage you hear, because I know only too well what it's like to hear it, but honestly.. maybe you'll never achieve your dream, maybe you'll never be good enough at it, but what's the harm in carrying on trying? What's the alternative? Dying? If you have the courage to kill yourself, then why don't you have the courage to carry on trying to achieve your dream - the one thing that may have the potential to make you happy and relieve some of that anger? What have you got to lose through carrying on trying? The alternative of killing yourself will still be there next year, five years later, ten years later.

    Those people that are so good right now are only good because they've been doing it for so long. Probably a lot longer than you currently have been in terms of years. It takes a long time to get good at these kinds of things for most people. It's like learning an instrument, it takes time and dedication to perfect the way you play. I really can't see what you have to lose by hanging around a bit longer to see how things go.

    I guess it came out kinda like a motivational speech. :\ Not my intention. Sorry.
  7. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Made a lot more sense than what any of the bleeding hearts have told me.

    I never intended to kill myself before I was 100% certain I couldn't achieve my dream.

    I suppose the difference between me and those guys is I am studying various forms of design and art all at once, many of them studied one after another after another.
    I am making things hard on myself but I can't hand in the towel.

    I found myself quitting on a lot of things when they got hard in life.
    But for some reason I just don't want to quit on this.

    With that said, I am still angry and sad. Just determined...angry and sad.
  8. Terra

    Terra Well-Known Member

    I don't want to sound like "everyone else", but I probably will. So no need to really think about what I'll say.

    "Art" - drawing/designing/directing - creating in genereal is so tardedly hard to it's stupid. I want to be able to take jobs or sell my drawings, even if it's only for a dollar, but at my level that is impossible. It took me 10 blasted years to get here and it's only the last few months I've actually improved, ever so slightly. Knowing it will take me 10 more years just to be able to draw an apple somewhat realistic sucks.. I don't have 10 years, I was supposed to make a living out of it (lol ye, gave that up). One of the few things that keep me drawing 3-4h a day is the suck-ish newbeginners who gets 30.000 followers and can sell all they want for the price they feel like, just because they draw pokemon or other popular shitz. I want the day to come when people look at my stuff because it looks cool, and ignore the fact that it's not a celeb/pokemon/twilight based drawing.

    Just be true to what you want, not what other people say you should/should not do. We can't blame anyone else if we fail, but we don't have to credit anyone else if we go forward either. Some will always be better, and some will always, always be worse and more popular. But atleast I take some pride in my crappy "originals"
  9. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I kind of get what you're saying, though I don't much care about selling my individual pieces of art. I wanna make a full fledged career, doing stuff like web design, illustration, concept art, infographics, basically everything.
    But I agree, I hate going on DA ( deviantart) and seeing these kids whose art is god awful getting all kinds of compliments for drawing two male characters from an anime or twilight movie making out.

    That's why I don't much care about web followings, though sometimes they're helpful.

    Oh, though, I have given myself something of a deadline, I dont have ten years, in fact I dont have one.
    I have given myself the deadline of about two months to improve.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2010
  10. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Okay, two months is being extremely harsh on yourself. How do you expect to be able to improve if you've got a deadline hanging over you like a black cloud that won't go away? Yes, to get better you need to work hard at it, but giving yourself such a demanding deadline will only make you feel stressed out and even more of a failure if and when you eventually do reach the end and find you haven't satisfied your desire to improve. Chances are that your confidence and self-esteem is so low that even if you did improve you'd think it wasn't enough of an improvement and still feel even worse.

    One of the most important things to have in art is patience. Think of it in terms of a plate of food. You can shove an insant meal in the microwave for three minutes and get a poorly made, mushy lump of barely edible food to eat, or you can take your time making a two-hour roast dinner that you and anyone else over at your house for dinner will thoroughly enjoy. Using this same metaphor, you also need to realise that before you can perfect making this two-hour roast dinner, you'll be required to weather through a few mushy instant dinners and half cooked roasts before you can finally reap the rewards of your labour. I know it probably seems as though you've been trying and trying for ages and ages and ages and you still see no improvement, but giving yourself a deadline really will only serve to make things so much worse for you. If anything, it's your confidence and self-esteem issues that need to be addressed before your art skills, as I really do believe that that is probably holding you back just as much as your late start into the world of art.
  11. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    While I get what you mean, I should have expanded upon my deadline.

    You see, in roughly 2 months, the new fall semester begins, with that comes my last classes before I transfer my credits from my Okay community college to a Good four year institution.
    In my last semester I will be taking the class Preparing and Presenting a Portfolio where we learn to build a good working portfolio, but to do so I need presentable art work and design work, so, you see I have only two months to improve or I wont have a portfolio worth more than the plastic its made of.

    Now, I like to try and believe in myself, sometimes because of what my professors said. Problem is, I can't tell if they're just trying to be nice and give me votes of confidence or actually mean what they say.

    As I've yet to determine that I simply choose not to take what they say at all into account and only work on my art.

    I have little choice, I can either improve in 2 months and at least have a working portfolio for college and possibly the workplace or not improve, not get into a good college and not be able to achieve my dream and have to kill myself before I end up living a life of mediocrity in a crappy retail job under an idiot of a boss.
  12. Terra

    Terra Well-Known Member

    Two months is harsh, but possible if you really mean it. But not life-changing improvement, maybe it's just a little. I use DA alot, and in genereal it's a ok place. I found the best cure for "popular" drawings where just to ignore them. Also trolling theese said "popular" artist can be quite fun, as they have followers who will stand up for them, run out of good arguments, and switch side to mine/just block me.
  13. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Well, I feel bad for the real artists, amateur or otherwise on DA who post original stuff and try really hard even if there stuff sucks, that's why I sometimes look for stuff that isn't great but people actually try.

    I remember one girl, probably 16 or 17, horrible art work but would put everyone else down for not having good art work, she even had an extensive list of art supplies, why? She couldnt draw for crap and was mean.
    My favorite artists on DA are Luigi64, Hexamous (despite the fact that he mostly draws busty women, he's a cool guy) and of course JollyJack, though I also follow him on his web page.

    And no, in 2 months I dont expect to be the next Frank Frazetta or for those of you who dont know who that is, the next Michelangelo.
    I just want to improve enough that I feel comfortable/confident.

    I know that many artists improve even when they're already very good and one artist said something like "you're never done improving, each time you draw, it's always more practice".

    One of my favorite comic artists Adam Warren told me personally "Don't give up, you're gonna have to practice and draw the same thing about a thousand times."

    I am not some unrealistic kid who wants to draw Superman comics and will kill himself if he isnt working for DC next year, I just want to improve.
  14. Terra

    Terra Well-Known Member

    The artist I have a major problem with is actually the ones who suddenly get popular (be it their own original art or not) and then stop replying to their comments and questions, just to brag about having "A thousand inbox messages every time they log in" But seeing real, good and humble artist that reply is uplifting in a way.
    I say I don't want to be perfect, I strive for it, but I never want to achieve it as I can then no longer improve any further
    And I don't think you are some unrealistic kid, you have actually proven against that by having a logic and reasoning convo about what you think and want
    I'm Tanjaraus on there btw. If you want to stop by and "talk" artsy stuff.
  15. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You know the one great thing about art? There is a huge gray area when it comes to what is good and bad. One mans trash is another's treasure, so to speak. You say you suck, do you even have a portfolio? Have you sent it out?

    I won't say the same thing over again. However you need to try with what you have. You are just giving up because You think you suck. What is the worst that can happen? People just confirm your beliefs?
  16. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I completely agree with this. The way you see your art isn't the same way others see it, and so on. Every truly great artist out there has people who think their art is bad, and they've all probably gone through phases where they've disliked their own work, especially in the beginning. Just don't think about it. Draw, practice, work hard, do your thing. In the end, let the colleges decide whether it's good enough for them or not. One college might think it's crap, another might think it's amazing and has true potential. If that fails, try different colleges. If that fails, keep on at your job and keep practising, improving, and try applying again a few years later when you're a lot better. Persistence is key. I'm sure in a lot of colleges they'll admire your persistence and dedication to your work a lot more than your actual art work (within reason - they aren't likely to accept people who draw stick people).
  17. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Um, this the part where I appear unrealistic. You see, I hate my job, more than I hate anything and if I am not accepted to college.
    I have a major school of choice, then three fall back schools.
    Then I will kill myself because I refuse to work another year at that job.
    I know what happens to people who put off their dreams, I've seen it, they never accomplish them.
    I don't want a life of mediocrity or that job and I will kill myself if that is the life I must have.

    In fact, what drives that stake of truth further into the ground is my moronic boss who thinks that I am gonna stay with the f-ing company for a long time.
    I've told her repeatedly my plans for college because she asks and though I know she doesnt care I answer, it comes to the point I am so tired of repeating myself that I just say "I dont know" and she always starts talking about me staying with the sh*tty company I am with.
    I used to say how much I liked art and design and she just tried to relate it to working at the f-ing store.

    Let me spell it out I F-I-N-G H-A-T-E W-O-R-K-I-N-G T-H-E-R-E!!!
  18. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    If that job is such a negative force in your life why don't you find new work?

    I am glad you realize that putting off your dream will make it so you can never accomplish it. Now is the time to seize the day and go for your dream. Again what do you have left to lose?
  19. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I dont drive unfortunately, I currently take the bus to college. Also right now, the only advantage of my job is its working around my college schedule and if I change right now, for one semester I cant be sure that the job I change too will do the same.

    I see it this way, if I work hard and make a working portfolio, with my GPA around a 3.0 or higher, I shouldn't have a problem getting into a good art college. And because I am poor, I should get financial aid because I already am with my current college.

    My favorite graphic arts teacher who has and still does work in similar fields to what I wanna work in told me "The more diverse your portfolio, the better" and "The more you have to offer these schools, they more they'll offer you" because many of these schools have financial aid packages that depend on me, not just my financial need.

    In fact, my friend got accepted to an art college and got more coverage than needed, so she had extra money for the year. That's kinda what I am pushing for, that way I wont have to work at that crappy job and even if I am not 100% financially covered I plan to get either part time or free lance jobs in stuff like web design so I can both get money and gain experience.