This is the thing...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EtherealSoul, Aug 31, 2013.

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  1. EtherealSoul

    EtherealSoul Member

    Hi, I'm new to this forum.

    I don't know if anyone can understand this. I am suicidal. Not in the respect that I want to kill myself. No, I do not want to commit a murder, which it would be if I killed myself. I fully understand that it would be murder if I did this act. But I want to die, and I am doing everything I can to achieve this without actually 'committing suicide' if that makes sense.

    I am a very spiritual person. I have a very close relationship with God as I understand Him. (I won't get into details about my beliefs because this isn't the place for it). But I am not religious, I do not believe in hell, except for what we create for ourselves here on this earth. I believe in reincarnation and all that stuff.

    This is what gets me: I love people, so much. I even learned to love myself recently.

    So why do I want to die? I just want to die so I can move on. I love the earth, I love animals, nature, etc. But I want out. I want out of all of this. I am completely useless here, nobody wants me or wants my help.

    Can anyone truly identify with this problem? Can anyone relate?
  2. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm not sure I can relate to just wanting to die because you want to move on. Right now, I want to die (on and off) because I am miserable.

    But I do understand the bit about being useless. Sometimes when I feel depressed, I feel like I am no good to anyone on this planet.

    But here's the thing: You have no idea the impact you have.

    When I am at one of my lowest points, if someone looks me in the eye and smiles at me, well, I don't suddenly become undepressed, but the relief of the burden is amazing, and I feel better able to go on just a little while longer. When I wrote my first post here, Wild_Cherry just expressed some sympathy and support - said she cared, and that I wasn't worthless and, without saying it directly, told me that my feelings mattered! I don't know if you can imagine the impact that had on me. I still had to force myself to push through the day (one of the least productive days I have had in a long time, since I could hardly concentrate on my work), but it gave me some strength to push with.

    Mother Theresa told Americans (and I imagine it probably goes for the developed Western world) to stop sending missionaries to the poor in the third world. She said that there was far too much poverty right here, of the most terrible kind - poverty of the heart, of human connections, of love and kindness and community. We are so isolated in our modern, advanced, developed and convenient world! I half expect adults to start dying for lack of human interaction, like those babies who received food, hygiene and medicine but no holding or cuddling!

    You want to make a difference in this world? You want to be of use to someone? Just be kind and friendly. Look other people in the eyes whenever you talk to them, and smile as often as possible. If someone seems unhappy, and you have time, ask them how they are feeling, and then really listen. If they are open, put your arms around them, close your eyes and squeeze. Take it from one person who would die for a kind, warm, supportive hug from another adult (I hug my kids all the time, but sometimes I need someone on my own level), as tiny as these things seem, you don't know how earth shaking they can be to a desperately needy person.

    There is rampant poverty in the developed world. And to address it takes someone with a rare gift: it has to be someone who really wants to make a difference. And that is rare.
  3. EtherealSoul

    EtherealSoul Member

    Thanks for this. I love Mother Teresa's famous saying "It was never between you and them anyway" or something along those lines.

    I am like this, I listen to people who need it. That is one of my gifts. I listen without judgement and people will tell me their entire life story. Maybe I am making a difference just by listening. That would make me happy. I feel so useless in all other areas.
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