(This isn't even half of what i wanna say right now, i just can't get it all out) Well people wanted honesty. Well I’m gonna let this out. I got so much anger in me right now. I mean seriously its unbearable. I could literally take someone’s head off, that’s how much anger I feel right now. Sorry if this makes no sense, people tend not to make a lot of sense after an hours sleep. Anyways someone in chat earlier PM’ed me and asked me a very good question. The person who asked it will know who they are. You now the weird thing, I didn’t even fully understand my answer myself. Infact I couldn’t even answer the question properly. The question was basically ‘why do you keep going back if you keep getting hurt so badly?’ Just not said in that context. Well I’m gonna try and explain here. Hopefully I can fully understand why I do keep going back. I got screwed over my a friend of mine. I’ll call her J. J basically turned her back on me, couldn’t of giving a toss if I killed myself or not. Stabbed me in the back on more than one occasion. Me and J got VERY close in the short amount we knew each other. Then it felt like she just turned around and spat in my face. I was so hurt. I swore to myself I would never let myself get hurt like that again and if it did then that would be the end. That promise I will NEVER break. That’s the only promise I’ve made to myself and it’s the only one that counts anymore. Eight months (wow long time) I started to get to know someone. Told myself mentally to not get too deep. Told myself and you that I don’t want what happened before to happen again. Got close. Closer than I’ve probably been to anyone in my life and I’m being serious about that. I could literally tell you anything because I felt I could trust you. You said it wouldn’t be like that. Promised me it wouldn’t end up like that and what happened? Yeah, it feels like that ‘promise’ was broken. I got so far in that I don’t see a way out. I cared and still care so much and you of all people know how much I care. You even said it sounds similar to K. This is why I can’t walk away. Why it hurts so damn much. You wanna know the truth. I feel very very very hurt. I mean seriously hurt. I risked a hell of a lot. Yeah I know you said ‘you shouldn’t of’ and your thinking ‘I told you not to’. Well I did. Can’t change the past. I got myself into serious debt. I’m talking a hell of a lot of money. I’m 19 and I’m in debt to my own mother. She can barely pay for anything anymore. How the hell is she gonna pay the shit I did for you. Part of the reason I’m giving up college is to get a job and pay that debt off quickly. I’ve gotta get that idea going. I tried to be there every time you needed someone. Every time you rang me, I answered. Day or night. If you didn’t have credit I rang you back, for hours. Sat and talked to you. Listened to you talk about the good times and the worst times. Stayed up during the night with you. Calmed you down when you was crying. Stayed up and got no sleep because I was making sure you was ok and if you wasn’t I did something about it, then stayed up with you yet again talking to you, trying to calm you down once again. Stuck up for you to so many people. I been hurt time and time again and I take it because I care. I’ve tried to be the best ‘friend’ I could possibly to you but I guess I failed. Can a friendship work if it feels like its one going one way. There have been many times I’ve need you. But have been trying to put all my crap aside to make sure you was safe and ok. Anytime I’ve called you is to make sure YOUR ok. But I guess that didn’t mean a thing. I get the picture and I won’t all you again. I’ll even delete your number off my phone if that’s what you want. It kills me, but how can I possible take anymore hurt off you? I tried my best. Try to do everything i could for you and look where its got me. Look what i got in return. There is no point now is there? none what so ever. Is this friendship even worth the bother to you? To be honest I can’t take it anymore. This is just like with J and I can’t go through another day of it. I swore to myself what would happen and I have to stick to that and I will stick to it. This is out of my hands now. I don’t know how much more I can take of this, its literally killing me. I can give you need, me completely gone. By the looks of it that promise I made myself will happen. I'm sorry.
Thank you for going public with this. And I don't mean that sarcastic, I actually really mean that. As some people might know, it's about me. Vikki, you have no idea how much I care for you and I know this is hurting you so much. And I don't want to hurt you but for me it feels as if I got no other choice. I hate hurting you. It's devastating to see you hurt. But I need my distance from you as well as everyone from sf. Nobody has come as close to me as you. And that scares me. I don't want somebody from here to know me as well as you do. It makes me feel as if there's no room to breathe. I don't want you or anybody to call me and be scared for what has happened if I do somehting stupid. Everytime I do something damaging or 'stupid' to myself you are there and you get upset and so hurt. Sometimes when I am in a state I say things, and I'm sick of having people calling me then and all worried. I remember one time in particular. I was in a really bad state of mind. I was having a huge panic attack and posted all over SF, this upset you so much that you got into a state as well. I'm sick of causing that. I'm sick of being the cause of other people's hurt. Especially you. Everybody who knows us, knows that our friendship is beautiful but destructive. Heck, Blubs got it on paper the best way, better than anybody could ever SAY it, with her drawing "dilemma". I have been taking my distance from you lately. Mostly because of all this above ^, but also because my job is very tiring and I don't have the energy for anything after work. not even to answer the phone or reply to texts or whatever. Ask anyone and they will tell you I'v been taking distance from them as well. I just can't do this anymore, and by this I mean any close friendships, whole SF thing. You are a wonderful person, Vikki and I wish you would see that yourself. but we can't be that close anymore. You'll only be hurt when you're close to me. I can't do that again. Please don't kill yourself, you know how much that'd devastate me, but not jonly me, anyone on here. Think of all the wonderful people you met on this site. They all care for you a big deal. They are there for you, they care. I know I've been and am the worst friend imaginable on this fukcing earth, but please don't hate me for it. Or do hate me. I just want what's best for you, and being in a friendship with me, or at least a friendship as close as we were, is NOT good for you, all I do is hurt you, cost you money, time, etc. I can't do this hurt to you anymore, therefore I've taken my distant. From you as well as everybody here and on other forums. My sincere apologies if that's hurtful to you, but believe me, staying that close to me, would only have ended up hurting you even more than this. I do not expect anyone to forgive me for this, as a matter of fact I'd be surprised if people would not be mad at me. Just know that I'm only doing what's best for you all.
Feel free to ignore me, I don't really know much about your situation so I'm just expressing my own thoughts here. I was friends with this lass about 3 years ago, and she had some pretty severe problems (for example she jumped off bridges and set fire to herself), I wouldn't say we were a couple she'd never let me get too close to her because she knew how much she'd hurt me, we just used to like to go round town, to the cinema, to the clubs, pretend to be a 'normal' couple, but there was nothing normal about us. We played these crazy games, planned to go on holiday together, create crazy fantasies. We both knew she hadn't got long, but it was nice to pretend otherwise. She used to tell me the same stuff over and over, "You can't help me, no-one can", "Don't get close to me, I'll only hurt you" and my answer over and over again was "I know". And yes, she really, really hurt me and yes I knew she would, but in her suicide note she said "Thank you" and I would say the same to her. I'm not at all suicidal, but I don't care about my life either, however I'm glad that for a brief moment in time, it actually meant something.
Thank you for posting that Ziggy. I can relate to the 'i know' part. Exactly how i feel. She could say over and over again that i will get hurt. I don't care. I know what it involves and i'm willing to get hurt because thats what friends are for. Stick through the thick and thin. Be there day and night and for anything. I know im getting hurt and i know i may in the future. But i'd go through as much hurt possible for someone i care about. I would die for someone i cared about. I do know i'd get hurt. But thats something i'm willing to take.
I know you care deeply Viks, but there comes a time when you need to worry about your well being too. I'm not trying to take sides and I'm not saying who did what etc. all I'm saying is you need to do for you too. You can't just keep sticking your feelings, and your life on the back burner, it will kill you and I don't want to see that happen. Sometimes we get so consumed in helping thepeople we love that we forget to love ourselves and that's so unhealthy and so self destructive, I hope you find a way to balance both or just all together work on making Viks happy. Much Loves Viks Kells
Thats the point Kells, I try put everyone before myself because i feel that everyone deserve better than me. I try help, put them before me. I don't worry about myself, i never will. I know what you think i should do Kells, i know you that you know how much this is hurting. But thats a part of me, will allways be. Yeah i know, im not making sense.
