(This isn't even half of what i wanna say right now, i just can't get it all out) Well people wanted honesty. Well I’m gonna let this out. I got so much anger in me right now. I mean seriously its unbearable. I could literally take someone’s head off, that’s how much anger I feel right now. Sorry if this makes no sense, people tend not to make a lot of sense after an hours sleep. Anyways someone in chat earlier PM’ed me and asked me a very good question. The person who asked it will know who they are. You now the weird thing, I didn’t even fully understand my answer myself. Infact I couldn’t even answer the question properly. The question was basically ‘why do you keep going back if you keep getting hurt so badly?’ Just not said in that context. Well I’m gonna try and explain here. Hopefully I can fully understand why I do keep going back. I got screwed over my a friend of mine. I’ll call her J. J basically turned her back on me, couldn’t of giving a toss if I killed myself or not. Stabbed me in the back on more than one occasion. Me and J got VERY close in the short amount we knew each other. Then it felt like she just turned around and spat in my face. I was so hurt. I swore to myself I would never let myself get hurt like that again and if it did then that would be the end. That promise I will NEVER break. That’s the only promise I’ve made to myself and it’s the only one that counts anymore. Eight months (wow long time) I started to get to know someone. Told myself mentally to not get too deep. Told myself and you that I don’t want what happened before to happen again. Got close. Closer than I’ve probably been to anyone in my life and I’m being serious about that. I could literally tell you anything because I felt I could trust you. You said it wouldn’t be like that. Promised me it wouldn’t end up like that and what happened? Yeah, it feels like that ‘promise’ was broken. I got so far in that I don’t see a way out. I cared and still care so much and you of all people know how much I care. You even said it sounds similar to K. This is why I can’t walk away. Why it hurts so damn much. You wanna know the truth. I feel very very very hurt. I mean seriously hurt. I risked a hell of a lot. Yeah I know you said ‘you shouldn’t of’ and your thinking ‘I told you not to’. Well I did. Can’t change the past. I got myself into serious debt. I’m talking a hell of a lot of money. I’m 19 and I’m in debt to my own mother. She can barely pay for anything anymore. How the hell is she gonna pay the shit I did for you. Part of the reason I’m giving up college is to get a job and pay that debt off quickly. I’ve gotta get that idea going. I tried to be there every time you needed someone. Every time you rang me, I answered. Day or night. If you didn’t have credit I rang you back, for hours. Sat and talked to you. Listened to you talk about the good times and the worst times. Stayed up during the night with you. Calmed you down when you was crying. Stayed up and got no sleep because I was making sure you was ok and if you wasn’t I did something about it, then stayed up with you yet again talking to you, trying to calm you down once again. Stuck up for you to so many people. I been hurt time and time again and I take it because I care. I’ve tried to be the best ‘friend’ I could possibly to you but I guess I failed. Can a friendship work if it feels like its one going one way. There have been many times I’ve need you. But have been trying to put all my crap aside to make sure you was safe and ok. Anytime I’ve called you is to make sure YOUR ok. But I guess that didn’t mean a thing. I get the picture and I won’t all you again. I’ll even delete your number off my phone if that’s what you want. It kills me, but how can I possible take anymore hurt off you? I tried my best. Try to do everything i could for you and look where its got me. Look what i got in return. There is no point now is there? none what so ever. Is this friendship even worth the bother to you? To be honest I can’t take it anymore. This is just like with J and I can’t go through another day of it. I swore to myself what would happen and I have to stick to that and I will stick to it. This is out of my hands now. I don’t know how much more I can take of this, its literally killing me. I can give you need, me completely gone. By the looks of it that promise I made myself will happen. I'm sorry.