This is why it's come down to this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by J1111, Oct 22, 2010.

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  1. J1111

    J1111 New Member

    I am 31 years old and live in a windowless concrete room about as big as a cell block in a warehouse in Philadelphia.

    Im done.

    Life started out fairly normal, until about the age of 17 when I found a videotape of my dad with another woman then had the moral quandry of whether to tell her or not, which I did. They of course got divorced.

    I have always been a musician, and right after that time put out my first album with my band, still a teenager, when our manager duped me out of about 10 grand. I met a girl during this time, and got her pregnant. She gave birth and we got engaged. After coming back from a couple festivals the band did, she was gone. Baby gone, toys gone, nothing. She said she didnt want to be alone for a few days and since I didnt have long hair anymore at the time found me unattractive. So we split up. That was 11 years ago.

    A year after that I met a woman and we started dating serious for about 5 years and decided to get married. My ex at this point was already remarried to another guy with my daughter (They now have another kid, her half sister about 2 years old). To this date, I still have not seen her leave to go to school, come home from school, or even have her for halloween. It sure makes you feel good. I did try and see her every other weekend when it was possible.

    After about a year of being married to the previous girl mentioned we got divorced. Not because I cheated, which I never did. But because I chose to do certain things that she was fine with before we married, but dissaproved of while we were married. We bought a really nice house in the philly suburbs and all that, I had an amazing job working at a record label and all this at 24-25 years old. Then it was all gone again.

    So, about 6 months after that debacle I had to leave my job, because my employers were fueled by hardcore drugs and I didnt approve of it. i couldnt even get unemployment and even had a judge review my case for appeal. Right about that time I met N, N was everything I thought I always wanted and was trying to find, but never could. We tried to make things work out but she was younger than me and finishing college, and i just lost a great job and couldnt get unemployment. So I lost my apartment and had to move to my moms. That sure made me feel great about myself. After saving up for half a year at her place and getting a decent Courier job i then moved out to Philadelphia with N. That lasted about 3 months and I had to move out for tons of issues I cant even get into at the moment, and my job layed me off.

    Back to good ole moms house.

    At this point, N became pretty sick of all the bad luck that surrounds me, and I dont blame her. She was bartending and finishing up school and of course met some guy at the bar who "had it all together" and left me.

    Alone. Again. Same old BS.

    One night I got really drunk with my cousin at a bar, and drove home like an idiot. I hit a few parked cars and one happened to be an off duty cop. I went to court but have no payed the fines so there is a civil warrant out for me until then. Just wonderful.

    So then I had to hide out, and I was able to find a place in Philly living at a house with 7 other people, which sucked. But it was only $200 a month and I could afford that just getting odd jobs since I could find no work. Randomly about 3 months ago the landlord kicked everyone out because of coding issues. Which now takes me back to the beginning where I mentioned my wonderful concrete block living space, which is the only thing I could find.

    I dont have a car anymore, house, my entire record collection is sold. All my furniture is gone/abandoned. I never get to see my daughter ever who has a whole nother life with her mom, step dad and step sister. I live off of ramen, if I can afford that...and have lost about 40lbs the pat 6 months.

    I have contemplated suicide all my life, and even did the little kid help me cuts when I was a teenager. But this time its serious. Its the real deal.

    I have no money, no way to make money. More than likely I will be homeless in the bitter cold starting november or december. I completely let my family down. I have 0 friends, i pushed them all away months or years ago.

    Why do I keep trying? What do i truly have to look forward to?

    Absolutely nothing.

    This is just a brief skimming and not all of the details and circumstances which have made my life a living hell and unbearable to live with. I would not want to harm other people by taking my own life(jumping in front of cars/trains), and I will admit I am too scared to do anything that may be painful or take awhile. Jumping off a bridge looks like a viable option.

    None of the template responses people can offer me will really make me think differently or sway my mind. I guess I just needed to let this out there in the universe.

    Im glad things work out for some people, I just wish one day it would have for me.


  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi's have had such a rough ride lately, no wonder you feel as you do...I have no pat solutions and usually humbly present my own form of words of wisdom, but all I can say is welcome and I hope you find support and caring here...aka, J
  3. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    Hi, i read your story man! I'm with you in spirit... take care
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    Sorry you've had such bad luck.

    It seems like things have gone really well for you at times. It could be that you could fix some of your problems and get back on track.

    please think about your daughter. She may be ok now, but somewhere down the road, she may need help from you. That is a very good reason for you to live.

    The physical space that you live in can have a big impact on your health, well being, and point of view. Being in the windowless space sounds pretty bad.

    It may feel undignified for you to live with your mom again, but in the short term at least, that might be a better option.

    You may want to talk to a free legal aid organization about your fines and the civil warrant, I think there are places out there. If the court knows you are broke, they'll probably give you a payment plan. In any case, running from this will probably create more problems than it solves.

    You are probably eligible for some government benefits like food stamps, medicaid, or others. If you can get medicaid or free care, you might be able to address some of the issues that you've had long term.

    If you get food stamps, you'll be able to get some better nutrition, which may help your health and mood too.

    It seem to me like if you can straighten a few things out, you can get to a much better place soon, and start reconnecting with people, in particular, your daughter.

    Maybe you could get back into music or the music business?

    oh, and it could be the guy at the bar that "had it all together" really doesn't.
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