This is why you should never tell the mental health service ANYTHING

Oh great, I just messed my life up even more.

So today I had an appointment with some psychologist today. The letter came out of the blue last week, but I managed (just) to get there on my own which is a huge deal in itself seeing as I'm terrified outside and of being around people. In fact I think today was the 4th time I've been on a bus in 9 years. And out of those times, only the 2nd time I've been on one alone. So yeah.. it was a very difficult day.

The past few weeks, and months.. if I'm honest have pushed me so far beyond my limit it's not real. So I decided to try and tell this new person the reality of not coping. The whole appointment I try telling her how much I'm not coping and the whole time she's asking me if doing work about my eating disorder is what I want to do. I reply that yes, I need help with it, but I also need help with all the rest. My issues are far from being seperated and I cannot just pick one, as then all the other things I am desperate to get help for will be ignored. We go round and round in a circle with her not getting what I'm saying until eventually she says, "well we've got about 5 minutes left.. I need to talk to some people and try to arrange another appointment in a few weeks". Inside I start to scream.

So I take a deep breath and lay it on the line. I say again that I'm not coping. REALLY not coping. I am trying to be positive and keep going, get through life etc etc, but without any support.. without anything to make things easier by the most miniscule amount. Even just an inch of give.. so I can breathe, then I don't know how to cope, and I just can't keep doing this. So then of course comes the conversation about suicide and do I have a plan etc etc.

By this point I'm so tired. So very tired. I just want someone to help, and to hear me. I say no I don't have a plan but I don't need a plan, I'd just do what I tried the last time, only I know what I did wrong last time. So then I get handed over to a resource duty person who asks a ton of random questions about my past.. nothing really about present. I'm guessing that the old risk factors things. The woman asks how I'd feel about hospital and I tell her that the thought of it terrifies me. The thought of being incarcerated, along with a whole other bunch of reasons I won't start on. After consulting with some other people while I wait in the reception area for the 3rd time, I get told that I'm being handed back to the crisis team (oh yipee) and I go home.

So I get a call from the crisis team after I get home. They want to come visit me tomorrow. That is a big NO. I do not want people in my house. This is my one safe place. Ever since the abuse and the complex ptsd, it is extremely important to me that I have one place that I can control who gets in. These people deciding that they HAVE to come in, that is sooo not an option. It's my safe place, if they get in, it is no longer safe. They get in without my consent. It's my house, they're not welcome here, they're not allowed here.

So I try to explain why it's not an option.. I get told the only other option is to go to the resource centre that I was at today and meet them there. I just spent a week working up to going today. And they want me to just pop down there. Don't those people understand the meaning of social phobia???? Dammit. I can't do that back to back. I've just been there and it took so much out of me. I had to shut down half my brain just to be able to deal with today. And they want me to go through all that tomorrow. They just don't get it.

So I tried offering some alternatives to show that I was willing to engage with them, even though those options already offered were not possible. I said I was more than willing to speak with them on the phone. That apparently is not an option. According to that women, they HAVE to see me face to face. Her reason was that reading people's faces tells them a lot. But you know what? that's just BS. I have asperger's syndrome and I've spent my whole life being misread by other people "face to face". I pointed that out, but she just replied that they were taking into account that I have asperger's syndrome. BS BS BS.

Ok so they're not willing to play ball there, I ask if there's any help to get to the centre. No, they don't have that service. Therefore I have to choose between them invading my house, or me struggling down to the centre. I cannot do either. I just can't. I know that most people would say, well if you don't want them in your house, then just go to the centre. You made it there today after all. But I am so so drained. I can't go through all that again tomorrow. I just can't face it.

I told her this was the case, that I couldn't do either. And she just kept repeating that the psychologist was very worried. Enough so that she referred me back to them. Over and over she emphasised the word worried and that these were the only options I can pick from.

I can't do this. I can't do either of them. I don't know what their powers are. I don't want to get sectioned, and I'm really worried that they'll decide that I need to be, IF I refuse to pick one of the choices. I tried to give alternatives, shouldn't that count for something? I don't know what is in their powers. I also don't know if I have the right to refuse. I don't want to get sectioned. All I wanted was help, but not like this.. scare people into submission.

It's all messed up now. I wish I hadn't opened my big mouth. I hate myself. I hate the system. I hate everything.

I'm so screwed.

 

i don't have anything helpful to say right now but i know how you feel. i've been through it so many times and it's fucking draining.

you have the right to refuse if they don't think you have a plan to kill yourself right now, but seeing as you've been referred by a worried psychologist (who didn't listen to you properly i know the frustration), they want to see you. would you feel better telling them you can see them the day after, or in a few days time rather than immediately and tell them how tired you are and how anxiety can drain you as you're socially phobic? do you think you'd be able to see them in a few days time?

 

i don't ever want the crisis team in my flat either. i want to keep hospital THERE, i don't want them in my flat. i told them that when i saw them. my flat is my safe place and i control who comes in, very much like you.

i was wondering if you have a room, maybe that you could prepare for them? i live in a flat, so them coming in would be full on invasion for me.

i met a crisis team member on the corner of a street because i didn't want them in my house. you could maybe organise something like that? i'm not sure how your anxiety is though, if that would be possible for you.

 

Hi ggg,

I also have a flat. I still use the word house, I guess I'm just substituting for the word home. Plus usually saying I have a flat confuses a lot of people who aren't from the uk.

But I'm getting away from the point. Basically I have a living room, bedroom, kitchen, bathroom. There's no extra room that I could use. And I'd hate them being in my living room. It's where I spend all my waking hours. It's very personal to me. The thought of them being there, sitting on MY sofa (which I sleep on half the time when I'm having trouble with sleep) just makes me feel sick.

I echo your thoughts about keeping the hospital there. I called up the crisis team again before I crashed for sleep yesterday. Fortunately I got to speak to a different person, and I have managed to push the day back till Monday. I still have zero idea how I'm going to get there, but at least I have a few days to breathe. I still wish I hadn't opened my big mouth, but I was so sick of getting fobbed off, and not listened to.

The idea about meeting on a street corner sounds interesting. Although because I'm not sure what they want to talk about, not sure I'd want my personal issues being literally aired in public. The only information I have is that the meeting will last for 30mins - 1 hour.

I hope I work something out so I can try my best to chill out this weekend. If I stress all the way to Monday I'll end up looking like a total basket case. They're calling later today some time. At least I'll find out what time I'm supposed to turn up on Monday. They forgot to tell me. Typical.

 

i'm glad that you have a few days to breathe but it sounds like the difficulty in getting there still is a problem to you. i don't understand how they don't appreciate how severe your anxiety is?

i heard you can meet them anywhere, in a park or anywhere you feel comfortable.

i hope things get worked out. i'd hate to be transferred to the crisis team after wanting basic help and to be heard as to how hard you are struggling having very little support, which i think was what you were trying to tell your psychologist :hug:

 

Violet, in your first post you expressed that you just couldn't go back to that office and you just couldn't let them in your house. I really know what that's like. When a seemingly simple task is impossible. I really wish I could give some sort of helpful advice but I'm stumped. I really hope that everything will be okay for you. I am here for you if you would like to talk about anything.

You're right, psychologists and the people who work for them can be really stupid for "smart" people.

 

I'm sorry about that. The mental health team are pretty useless I know. I have social phobia too but not to that extent. I walk down to the doctors on my own but i'm used to the neighbourhood and it's through a nice park.

I thought this was what the topic was about, but when I saw the councilor I never told her I was suicidal after she said she would 'have to tell people'. Yeah.. right. I've not seen the psychologist yet but I imagine it will be the same. In fact I don't think they even help. I'm not sure how their jobs are justified tbh.

 

I know how frustrating it is when they just won't listen to you. I honestly believe these people don't do their job properly.

Sorry this wasn't helpful but I don't know what to say that could help.

 

I understand how you feel about you safe place being violated. It is important to have at least one place that is your sanctuary.

Is it possible to call this worried psychologist on the phone, insist that you speak to her, and tell her that you appreciate her worry but you believe she is overreacting. I was trying to impress upon you how it feels to not be able to cope in basic things at a global level but I got the impression that you were not hearing me when you kept talking about one issue, my eating disorder. I realize that it is a serious illness but since I am trying to keep it together, just addressing the one of my problems that I struggle less with compared to, say social phobia, is not helpful. Furthermore, if you or the crisis team insist on violating my safe place while I'm in the midst of dealing with PTSD, I will have more difficulty coping and at that point, suicidality would be a greater struggle. Currently, I am dealing with suicide ideation with a past attempt and do not want to risk being in a crisis because of something as simple as your lack of respect for my safe place, my home. I'm hoping that since you are a mental health professional, you can understand and respect my struggle and help me instead of making my struggle worse.

Obviously, I'm just saying what I would hopefully have the courage to say if I were in your shoes and I'm also assuming a lot about how you feel based on what I imagine that I would feel, but I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that this psychologist does not seem to be hearing you and maybe you have to be extremely blunt to get your point across about exactly how you feel and what you are experiencing. It is obvious from your post that you are pretty aware of your struggles and what that means psychologically and your self-awareness not only counts but ought to be admired.

 

Im sorry I dont have anything helpful to offer. I know its good to tell your doctors/therapists/ect the truth about what your feeling because if they dont know the whole story they cant fully help you. But on the other hand some of their help isnt help at all. I wouldnt wish a hospital stay on my worst enemy. The hospitals here are pure hell. You cant have a lock on the bathrooms so anyone can pop in anytime they want, your room doors have a big window in them so anyone can just peek inside at any time, the patients are cruel and sometimes hurt other patients. Then they are dirty, have roaches, rats, and being on lock down is never fun either. I myself hate forced medications and forced therapy sessions... So I can understand the reasons that people dont tell their mental health doctors everything (if anything at all). Its such a shame that they arent willing to work with people. For a mental health patient being comfortable and feeling safe are a big deal - and hospitals dont cut the mustard...Im sorry I didnt read all the posts here..Is it possible for you to arrange to meet them somewhere else? Maybe at a nearby take out place or the lobby of your apartment building? I know you said you have a social phobia but sometimes being close to home where you can escape back to safety quickly is better then having them invade your space or being somewhere where you are 100% out of controll of the situation.

 

After reading through some of these posts, I begin to feel I don't have it so bad. I'd really like to read an update about what happend. I'm sure there are a lot of people worried about you.