Oh great, I just messed my life up even more. So today I had an appointment with some psychologist today. The letter came out of the blue last week, but I managed (just) to get there on my own which is a huge deal in itself seeing as I'm terrified outside and of being around people. In fact I think today was the 4th time I've been on a bus in 9 years. And out of those times, only the 2nd time I've been on one alone. So yeah.. it was a very difficult day. The past few weeks, and months.. if I'm honest have pushed me so far beyond my limit it's not real. So I decided to try and tell this new person the reality of not coping. The whole appointment I try telling her how much I'm not coping and the whole time she's asking me if doing work about my eating disorder is what I want to do. I reply that yes, I need help with it, but I also need help with all the rest. My issues are far from being seperated and I cannot just pick one, as then all the other things I am desperate to get help for will be ignored. We go round and round in a circle with her not getting what I'm saying until eventually she says, "well we've got about 5 minutes left.. I need to talk to some people and try to arrange another appointment in a few weeks". Inside I start to scream. So I take a deep breath and lay it on the line. I say again that I'm not coping. REALLY not coping. I am trying to be positive and keep going, get through life etc etc, but without any support.. without anything to make things easier by the most miniscule amount. Even just an inch of give.. so I can breathe, then I don't know how to cope, and I just can't keep doing this. So then of course comes the conversation about suicide and do I have a plan etc etc. By this point I'm so tired. So very tired. I just want someone to help, and to hear me. I say no I don't have a plan but I don't need a plan, I'd just do what I tried the last time, only I know what I did wrong last time. So then I get handed over to a resource duty person who asks a ton of random questions about my past.. nothing really about present. I'm guessing that the old risk factors things. The woman asks how I'd feel about hospital and I tell her that the thought of it terrifies me. The thought of being incarcerated, along with a whole other bunch of reasons I won't start on. After consulting with some other people while I wait in the reception area for the 3rd time, I get told that I'm being handed back to the crisis team (oh yipee) and I go home. So I get a call from the crisis team after I get home. They want to come visit me tomorrow. That is a big NO. I do not want people in my house. This is my one safe place. Ever since the abuse and the complex ptsd, it is extremely important to me that I have one place that I can control who gets in. These people deciding that they HAVE to come in, that is sooo not an option. It's my safe place, if they get in, it is no longer safe. They get in without my consent. It's my house, they're not welcome here, they're not allowed here. So I try to explain why it's not an option.. I get told the only other option is to go to the resource centre that I was at today and meet them there. I just spent a week working up to going today. And they want me to just pop down there. Don't those people understand the meaning of social phobia???? Dammit. I can't do that back to back. I've just been there and it took so much out of me. I had to shut down half my brain just to be able to deal with today. And they want me to go through all that tomorrow. They just don't get it. So I tried offering some alternatives to show that I was willing to engage with them, even though those options already offered were not possible. I said I was more than willing to speak with them on the phone. That apparently is not an option. According to that women, they HAVE to see me face to face. Her reason was that reading people's faces tells them a lot. But you know what? that's just BS. I have asperger's syndrome and I've spent my whole life being misread by other people "face to face". I pointed that out, but she just replied that they were taking into account that I have asperger's syndrome. BS BS BS. Ok so they're not willing to play ball there, I ask if there's any help to get to the centre. No, they don't have that service. Therefore I have to choose between them invading my house, or me struggling down to the centre. I cannot do either. I just can't. I know that most people would say, well if you don't want them in your house, then just go to the centre. You made it there today after all. But I am so so drained. I can't go through all that again tomorrow. I just can't face it. I told her this was the case, that I couldn't do either. And she just kept repeating that the psychologist was very worried. Enough so that she referred me back to them. Over and over she emphasised the word worried and that these were the only options I can pick from. I can't do this. I can't do either of them. I don't know what their powers are. I don't want to get sectioned, and I'm really worried that they'll decide that I need to be, IF I refuse to pick one of the choices. I tried to give alternatives, shouldn't that count for something? I don't know what is in their powers. I also don't know if I have the right to refuse. I don't want to get sectioned. All I wanted was help, but not like this.. scare people into submission. It's all messed up now. I wish I hadn't opened my big mouth. I hate myself. I hate the system. I hate everything. I'm so screwed.