This is why

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by espejo, Jan 3, 2014.

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  1. espejo

    espejo New Member

    I come from a very homophobic country and my family does not approve of my homosexuality. I have managed to move to US to study but I don't think I'll be able to land a job and stay there, which scares me to death. I have a partner who does not really care about me, but I have no doubts breaking up with him would make things even worse.

    I am socially awkward and anxious, and social contact has always been a nightmare. I have no friends in America. Despite my love for America, I feel that people just won't accept me. I am seeing a therapist but there is only so much she can do. I am taking anti-depressants and anxiety medication for almost two years and I use to be better but in the last couple of months I am in a mess despite the therapy.

    I spent my childhood surrounded by violence and death (we had a civil war in my country) and have lived my whole life in poverty. I lost my mother when I was 10. I grew up with a father who poured all his anger over us, day after day, for no reason. I have always been the best student but he kept humiliating me nevertheless. Now I feel that he hates me for being gay, or at least just does not love me. My life is loveless and has always been.

    Ever since my father began being so cold to me all I think is suicide. Please help me.
  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    although i cannot help you, i can tell you this. there are those of us in this country that WILL accept you. we are here. it just takes time to find us. is there anybody where you are that you can take a risk in talking to? i know how hard it is. i know how your skin can just feel raw trying to have a conversation with anybody.

    i cannot relate to the outer experiences of your childhood and i am sorry you had to go through with that. i can relate to a father who poured out his anger, frustration and fear on us every single day. also my uncles. constant abuse.

    is there anything that brings you hope. reading positive things? movies? writing? exercise? i know how i feel when others offer advice. sometimes i just think "are you crazy?! did you not hear me?! your ideas suck!" and i don't blame you if you feel that way about what i have offered. just know it all comes from a place of love and care and concern.

    i don't know you but i can send you my love. maybe take a minute, close your eyes and see if you can feel me sending you love and warmth from a place of empathy, from a place of non-judgement. if you can, hang on to that.

    write when you can.
  3. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    espejo, I am so sorry that you have been going through this. There are millions of people in America, including myself, who unconditionally accept your sexual preference.

    There are many, many people and entire towns and communities that will definitely accept you. You just need to focus your radar on meeting up with the right people. For instance if you Google "gay friendly cities" you will see there are many places that you can live here.

    Eventually you will need to focus your attention on seeking love and kindness from people who have good hearts, and withdraw your attention from family and people who are unloving.

    I see you finding a job here in the US, moving to a city like New York or LA, and joining some kind of positive organization where you can socialize with kind-hearted, like minded people. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can leave the past behind forever, thrive and make a real difference here my friend. That is what I have prayed for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2014
  4. espejo

    espejo New Member

    Thanks so much guys. Your messages made me cry.

    I am desperately trying to find an alternative space to belong in, a community that will not judge me the way my family and colleagues do, but I don't seem to be able to find them. And it is excruciating to know that they exist all around me :(

    Is there a movie/book/video/song that you could suggest? I am really in need of something uplifting right now.

    Thank you, and God bless
  5. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    well the movie napoleon dynamite gets a laugh out of me every time. a bug's life is good too. monsters inc.

    the book [pretty old, but still funny] Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, by Al Franken is worth a couple of chuckles. the joy luck club is another good book.

    i love kids' books too: james and the giant peach, charlie and the chocolate factory, a wrinkle in time.

    also movies [comedies]: throw mama from the train, zoolander, anything Monty Python, brazil, swingers, priscilla queen of the desert, raising arizona, bridesmaids...ghostbusters, groundhog day [anything bill murray makes me laugh]

    it's sappy, but i love it: love actually. oh and The SHawshank Redemption is one of my all time feel good movies. forrest gump, what's eating gilbert grape, a league of their own. and if you really want to go way out there, take me away kind of stuff, i suggest the movie flight with denzel washington. pretty much anything denzel is good...

    hope this helps.
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