Everything starded back in middleschool, when i realized i couldn't properly fit into the class. Those 3 years have been awful, i didnt have any friends and every day i sank deeper into depression. I started feeling suicidal at the age of 12, but i still hade hope for the future. After middleschool, i hoped i'd find someone to be friend with in high school, and everyone told me it'd be like that. Guess what, they were wrong. I can't forget the mistakes i made in the past, and i can't ignore the consequences. I tried to mask my feelings, noone knws my situation. Maybe that was the biggest mistake. I stay awake at night thinking about the last years, especially there is one memory that keeps tormenting me.... it was during the last days in my old school, exams time. There was a girl in my class, i liked her alot, probabilly she's the only reason why i'm alive right now; just seeing her was wonderful and painful at the same time. Last day of exams together, last time i saw her in my life. I didn't even have the courage to say hi to her, and i hate myself so much for this. I'm a coward, nothing more. Anyway, i read alot about suicide, especially suicide by <edit mod total eclipse method> That <edit mod total eclipse method> is sitting under my bed, and i'm afraid that soon i will have to make use of it. A part of me still wants to live, to see the future; while the other one only sees a dark tunnel with no light at the end of it. Every time i tried to tell someone about how i feel, they thought i was just kiddin', noonee ever heard my silent scream. Noone understand my situation, i have no friends and nothing that makes me want to keep going. Everything i do makes me feel bad, and i end up sitting here in front of my pc for the whole day listening to depressing music. I fear that one day i might completely lose control and put that <edit mod total eclipse method>and finally get rid of this burden. And this makes me feel bad, just like everything else.