This isn't life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by catatonicocelot, Aug 17, 2013.

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  1. Everything starded back in middleschool, when i realized i couldn't properly fit into the class. Those 3 years have been awful, i didnt have any friends and every day i sank deeper into depression. I started feeling suicidal at the age of 12, but i still hade hope for the future. After middleschool, i hoped i'd find someone to be friend with in high school, and everyone told me it'd be like that. Guess what, they were wrong. I can't forget the mistakes i made in the past, and i can't ignore the consequences. I tried to mask my feelings, noone knws my situation. Maybe that was the biggest mistake. I stay awake at night thinking about the last years, especially there is one memory that keeps tormenting me....
    it was during the last days in my old school, exams time. There was a girl in my class, i liked her alot, probabilly she's the only reason why i'm alive right now; just seeing her was wonderful and painful at the same time. Last day of exams together, last time i saw her in my life. I didn't even have the courage to say hi to her, and i hate myself so much for this. I'm a coward, nothing more. Anyway, i read alot about suicide, especially suicide by <edit mod total eclipse method> That <edit mod total eclipse method> is sitting under my bed, and i'm afraid that soon i will have to make use of it. A part of me still wants to live, to see the future; while the other one only sees a dark tunnel with no light at the end of it. Every time i tried to tell someone about how i feel, they thought i was just kiddin', noonee ever heard my silent scream. Noone understand my situation, i have no friends and nothing that makes me want to keep going. Everything i do makes me feel bad, and i end up sitting here in front of my pc for the whole day listening to depressing music. I fear that one day i might completely lose control and put that <edit mod total eclipse method>and finally get rid of this burden. And this makes me feel bad, just like everything else.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2013
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i hope you will continue to reach out to us

    we're all here listening
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    you don't have to put much effort in getting support and making relationships here. The people are genuine here and are ready to help you through your depression. I know cuz I use this forum all the time to vent. It is safe and non-threatening here. Make good use of it. I do.
  4. When i'm not studying or working, i am sitting here in front of my pc doing pretty much nothing. I have 5 "friends" on facebook, and every day i post stuff to try to catch their attention, but every attempt fails. It was the same at school. I masked every emotion, build myself a hard shell. Sometimes i let some things go, some hints for them to understand how i was feeling. Noone ever paid attention to that. Maybe i want to kill myself to get some attention, among the other things. Every single minute of every single day in my life i think about this, about how i failed, how everything is ****ed up. I can't even read or study efficiently anymore, i can't focus on things. At night i can't sleep, the past is haunting me. I can't even stop acting like i'm good when i'm with my family, i am afraid of the consequences. I don't know how long i can go on like this. Noone understands me. Death sounds so nice, just a minute and everything will be over. I want people to know the truth when i'm gone, i already started writing a note. I am scared that someone could see it. My parents probabilly think i'm gay because i don't look at girls, nor speak about them. Truth is that i am sure i don't deserve them. I don't deserve anything good, every night i wish i don't wake up next morning. I always have nightmares, every day they are getting darker and more depressing. Every day feels empty, boring and heavy. I see no point in getting up, i see no light at the end of the tunnel, i see no point in living my unuseful life, i have no hopes for the future. I used to have them. They were crushed, i know i can't get what i want, i can't become what i want. I did mistakes just like everyone else, my actions turned against me, i am hopeless and helpless. I feel the end is getting closer.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    their is a lot i want to say, a lot of the message i can relate too- i just don't have the words

    i feel i could have written most of that myself
  6. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Me too, emily. I could relate to so much.

    "I didn't even have the courage to say hi to her, and i hate myself so much for this."

    How many times throughout my life have I written the same words! Arcibaldo, I was particularly struck by how much you are tormented by the past and so much regret. Do you have any idea why you dwell on the past so much? (I do exactly the same.)

    PM me if you want to chat more. Your post jumped out at me because it made so much sense.
  7. I always had this problem. I just can't let go things, i can't let my mistakes and my cations behind. I remember that a few years ago i spent 2 weeks studying 10 hours a day because i didnt get the highest mark. Maybe my education has a part in this, maybe i just hate myself. Also, i noticed that the darkest moments are when i'm alone, and i have nothing to do. I start thinking about the same things for hours, and my braind turns everything in a negative thing. Bad memories are printed deeply into my braind, while the good ones are highly volatile.
    I can't remember how happiness feels like. Last time i proved it was a long time ago, when i received an invitation back to World of Warcraft from a person i became "friend" with. That game is one of the reasons i'm still alive, the people i met there especially. The only friends i ever had are "virtual", i never met them IRL. I am unable to maintain a friendship, one way or another i burn bridges in a matter of months. At school i'm just the boring guy that makes you copy homework and helps you during tests, nothing more. In semptember i'll attend another school, hopefully i'll have the courage to be myself, and not hide anything. But what an i suppoed to do? Like «Hi my name is X, i'm depressed, i like keyboards, PC's, music and other stuff that you find boring»?. Don't think so. I don't have the courage to tell people. I am afraid of the past, the present and the future. Death seems the easiest way out, so fast and efficient. I could solve every problem of mine in a matter of minutes. But i don't have the courage to do it, just as i don't have the courage to do anything else that isn't in my routine. I'm a coward, i'll do nothing useful in my life, there is no reason to keep suffering. I wish i was never born, everything would be so much easier. I feel like i'm sinking deeper and deeper into a dark lake, with no chance to get back to the surface. Music surely doesn't help. Mosts of the songs i listen are sad and depressing. People think i like that kind of music "because i'm weird", noone thinks that there could be more.
    If anyone wants to talk about music or anything, just send me a pm, i'm always here.
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