This just seems like the rational thing to do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dillinger1982, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    First post. A few things you should know about me before I get started: I am an atheist and have been since I was a small child; I will be twenty-nine by year's end, and in no way consider any of my feelings to be the result of any youthful angst (which seems to be the main thrust behind most of the suicidal outpourings everywhere else online); I consider myself highly intelligent, and of very sound rational mind; Although I may reference alcohol frequently, I am not an alcoholic. I am the son of one certainly, but I go for many days without alcohol and sincerely enjoy my sober nights as long as they aren't spent alone; these are not my first suicidal urges, but they are the first In my life that felt real, justified, rational, and actionable. They are the first ones that I truly want.
    I guess i am a bit of an armchair psychologist, and have dissected my own psyche down to the atom. I can list off every event and aspect of my life that has brought me to this point, which i suppose means that it would be unnecessary to do so. If anyone out there has some advice to give to me that makes more personal information relevant, than I am more than willing to provide. with that said, I'll cut to the chase.
    I have had may relationships, and have been deeply in love may times. But my last girlfriend meant more to me than anything in the world. I truly believed we would be married, and she felt the same. Her family became my family ( because I don't have much of one of my own), and they too discussed our future marriage with excitement. We moved into an apartment together, bought new furniture together, and a wonderful dog. I got a decent job for the area, and she continued in school. I have never felt love like that in my entire life and all of our friends envied us.
    Then seven months ago, with no warning, I caught her lying to me about where she was. i found her at a bar with a man I've known since freshman year of highschool. He is a local tattoo artist, covered head to toe and even a few on his face in ink. He is also a self-professed satanist, and long-time overall creep. He is recently divorced by his wife who won custody of their child with little contest. I have always hated him, and so has most of the town. Even his own brother, who is one of my most cherished friends, despises and dissowns him.
    There is so much more to this story and mine, but the end result is this: she left me with no explanation as to closure. She is now covered in tatoos, including her vagina, and doesnt even resemble the person i loved. My friends all got sick of me telling them how detroyed i was so now i keep it mostly to myself. I entered into a relationship with one of her friends out of spite which had no effect, and now i am stuck with a girl that i feel nothing for, but am too afraid to hurt her now.
    Just weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my best friends and his girlfriend (who happens to be one of my ex's). They have a kid together. It was getting late, but his gf insisted i stay. Many drinks later, my friend had passed out but she insisted we keep drinking. I blacked out, and woke up to him screaming over us, while we both lie naked on the floor. Staying there was the worst judgement of my life, and now i am a pariah among all of our friend group, because he is honestly one of the nicest, most beloved people in our hometown. No one will speak to me or return my phone calls, so i have gone into seclusion from all my old friends and they seem pretty pleased with that.
    So between that, my hopeless debt and destroyed credit, my lack of family, my inability to make new friends, my lack of education or money to get any, my pessimistic outlook on life, my pathetic family and lack of a support system, and the long string of constant failures that has followed me my entire life, i have decided that the ridiculously slim chance of me leading a satisfying life is not worth the pain, loneliness, and depression that i endure every single waking moment of every day now. I believe xxxxxxxxxx is my best option, and i think sincerely about xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011

    ELLIEANDMONKEY Well-Known Member

    Next time use paragraphs so it's easier to read!

    I was almost in the exact same situation as you....I completely empathize!

    I had a boyfriend who did the exact same thing and it devastated me to the point of suicide!

    Go see a doctor and get on anti-depressants to start. Believe it or not it helped me and I never would have thought in a million years it would.

    And you don't want to hurt anyone else......that is irrational although you do seem highly intelligent!

    Go see a doctor and remember....YOU ARE WORTH IT!

    And you can do so much better than her! Trust me on this!
  3. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    That's odd. i DID use paragraphs when typing it. I detest structure like that.
    i already went to see a doctor, as well well as a psychologist. The lexapro only had the effect of making me feel uneasy and "different', and not at all in a good way. The thoughts did not subside.
    Although I know it doesn't appear this way from my post, the girl is NOT the reason i want to stop living. LOSING the girl caused a big curtain to drop away from my life, and allowed me to see it for what it really is. Everyone else my age is married, has kids, good jobs, or at least loving friends and hope for the future. I have none of these and to top it all off, I just honestly dont see myself doing anything about it. I haven't broken these habits in ten years. People like me don't change like they do in movies. I do not believe in miracles and Disney endings.
    My problem is i DO want to hurt him. I even found out he took great joy in taking my girlfriend from me and twisting her like he did (its worth mentioning at this point that she's much younger. She is twenty, I'm twenty eight, and he is thirty). He actually used to pick on me in high school, because everyone else picked on him and i was the only person smaller than he. He actually bragged to a mutual friend of ours what a big kick he was getting from the whole situation. Why should i be in such agony, partially because of him, and end my life knowing that he walks away unscathed? I don't believe in post mortem consequences. They cant hang me when I'm dead.

    ELLIEANDMONKEY Well-Known Member

    Lexapro is only one drug. I had to try many before I found one that worked. You will have to do the same.

    Don't worry about where you are in life in regards to your peers. You are you and just because you don't have what they have doesn't mean you are "behind" or "less".

    Time for a fresh start for you!

    I suggest trying new things....meeting new people....just getting into a new routine. New job. New foods! Even doing new exercises.
  5. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    That sucks. Maybe this is a reason to start fresh in a new area? if you can maybe its a good idea.

    I also have have had a situation where I got drunk and ended up sleeping with the wife of my then girlfriend of 7 years best friend. We did this for awhile after as we bother enjoyed the sneaking around. her husband found us one time and I ended up having to stay with his wife once my girlfriend found out. I then stupidly ended up with a child by this girl who I now regret ever meeting... all because of a mistake.

    This yourself in some respects lucky that it never ended up in violence and your were not pushed into more things by anyone.

    Depression is a bad thing to get out of. The more you analyze yourself the worse it will get. Stop that now. Get some help and try to rebuild.
  6. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    Yeah I suppose winding back up with that insane woman would be possibly worse than anything (she cheated on me when we dated as well). But the guilt is killing me. My friend has only said a few things to me, saying that i destroyed his family, and the girl is saying that their kid can never have a normal loving family. I know that i didnt initiate what happened, and i know it would ave been someone else in my place eventually, but I still have to take responsibility and cant just blame it on alcohol, and i dont expect anyone to forgive me anytime soon.
    As a side note... Why did "sadeyes" censor the end of my post? I meant it sincerely, it was a heavy statement for me to make, it wasn't cursing, and no one could have any clue what the second set of x's originally said, because there is no context. Seems rude.
  7. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Ahhhh. So he twisted her into something else, something you may be incapable of having feelings for anymore. It's awful when that happens, isn't it?

    I had a girl I loved, and she dumped me. Then she stayed with this guy who utterly destroyed her. He was fine at first, as I understand, but later on he did not work, smoked and drank all day, and blamed her for his problems, which she believed because she has no self-esteem. Once, they got into a fight during the wintertime, and he threw her out of their apartment, so she walked home barefoot. By the time he was done with her, she was nothing. She had dropped out of high school by that point, despite being formerly an A student. I personally tried to bring her back by showing her the same type of friendship we used to have. Nope, no go. She stayed depressed and brittle, as well as manipulative and self-hating. I found it so depressing that I often found myself withdrawing from her entire fucked up situation she had made for herself, finding more boys like him and then feeling she deserves the abuse. She always thought she deserved it. That almost killed me.

    When I think of how things used to be, when we were innocent kids at 13 and 12, it has a...profound effect on me.

    As for Sadeyes' moderation, it could have been because you stated a method of suicide. There are a lot of rules like that.
  8. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    when i say he twisted her, i don't mean it like that. She used to love photography, and be a very joyful person. She was always a rebel, and a drinker, and a rock star (we started a very successful local cover band together, actually), but there was joy in it. She was absolutely gorgeous. now she drinks to excess with him at a hole in the wall bar every night, and he gives her free tattooes. She has 666 on her butt, a full sleeve of grotesque images on her arm, and her thighs and back, and the aforementioned vagina tattoo (i dont know what it is and refuse to let anyone tell me). She dropped out of school, and her friends say she's just taken on a hateful, racist, "fuck the world" demeanor. She's pale as a ghost, draws her eyebrows on in thick black, and has put on weight. Her family, especially her mother and grandmother, has cried to me about what her daughter's become, asking me questions about this new guy as if i have the answers. Her father has, on occasion, suggested we both ride together and kill the guy. I don't know what they expect me to do.
    But me? I would give my life to be able to have her back. Tattoos and all, I'd give absolutely anything.

    ps, and sorry, yeah i didnt see that in the rules. i did state a method. but not in
    the second part
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  9. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I feel it's necessary to tell you that you may have to mourn her. In other words, mourn the person she once was. This is a way of life she's chosen, and it's not in your power to change that.

    You can't "give your life" to get her back. There is no price to getting her back, no way of making it happen. You can't bargain with God on this.

    It hurts a lot. I know fully well that it hurts a lot. But it might be time to begin to just remember her for who she was, not who she unfortunately came to be.

    That's what I did. It took me seven years, though. And it's also what they'd probably tell you in therapy.
  10. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    Thanks rocketpop.
    i wish this was just about her, but its not. The real reason for this post has been x'd out by the moderator, and i guess i'll have to leave it at that. Maybe this isnt the forum i should be in after all.
  11. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    You will always want her back. You will lie to yourself that your over her in the future but you never will. Its been many years since I split with my love who destroyed me. She is even part of the reason I did 2 years in prison for something I did not do. I tried to commit suicide because of her. She now wont let me see my kid. But, i'd still take her back, deep down I know that. I hate her so bad also... Its f**ked up but thats the truth, not that i'd admit that to anyone I know. I think I now love to hate her... But I guess no matter what we still see the person we loved. We crave that old person and dream of that person... Does she still exist... I think so, but you would never see it without her letting her guard down which would need a crazy event to happen. It sucks. But thats love. Sorry man.
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