First post. A few things you should know about me before I get started: I am an atheist and have been since I was a small child; I will be twenty-nine by year's end, and in no way consider any of my feelings to be the result of any youthful angst (which seems to be the main thrust behind most of the suicidal outpourings everywhere else online); I consider myself highly intelligent, and of very sound rational mind; Although I may reference alcohol frequently, I am not an alcoholic. I am the son of one certainly, but I go for many days without alcohol and sincerely enjoy my sober nights as long as they aren't spent alone; these are not my first suicidal urges, but they are the first In my life that felt real, justified, rational, and actionable. They are the first ones that I truly want.
I guess i am a bit of an armchair psychologist, and have dissected my own psyche down to the atom. I can list off every event and aspect of my life that has brought me to this point, which i suppose means that it would be unnecessary to do so. If anyone out there has some advice to give to me that makes more personal information relevant, than I am more than willing to provide. with that said, I'll cut to the chase.
I have had may relationships, and have been deeply in love may times. But my last girlfriend meant more to me than anything in the world. I truly believed we would be married, and she felt the same. Her family became my family ( because I don't have much of one of my own), and they too discussed our future marriage with excitement. We moved into an apartment together, bought new furniture together, and a wonderful dog. I got a decent job for the area, and she continued in school. I have never felt love like that in my entire life and all of our friends envied us.
Then seven months ago, with no warning, I caught her lying to me about where she was. i found her at a bar with a man I've known since freshman year of highschool. He is a local tattoo artist, covered head to toe and even a few on his face in ink. He is also a self-professed satanist, and long-time overall creep. He is recently divorced by his wife who won custody of their child with little contest. I have always hated him, and so has most of the town. Even his own brother, who is one of my most cherished friends, despises and dissowns him.
There is so much more to this story and mine, but the end result is this: she left me with no explanation as to why...no closure. She is now covered in tatoos, including her vagina, and doesnt even resemble the person i loved. My friends all got sick of me telling them how detroyed i was so now i keep it mostly to myself. I entered into a relationship with one of her friends out of spite which had no effect, and now i am stuck with a girl that i feel nothing for, but am too afraid to hurt her now.
Just weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my best friends and his girlfriend (who happens to be one of my ex's). They have a kid together. It was getting late, but his gf insisted i stay. Many drinks later, my friend had passed out but she insisted we keep drinking. I blacked out, and woke up to him screaming over us, while we both lie naked on the floor. Staying there was the worst judgement of my life, and now i am a pariah among all of our friend group, because he is honestly one of the nicest, most beloved people in our hometown. No one will speak to me or return my phone calls, so i have gone into seclusion from all my old friends and they seem pretty pleased with that.
So between that, my hopeless debt and destroyed credit, my lack of family, my inability to make new friends, my lack of education or money to get any, my pessimistic outlook on life, my pathetic family and lack of a support system, and the long string of constant failures that has followed me my entire life, i have decided that the ridiculously slim chance of me leading a satisfying life is not worth the pain, loneliness, and depression that i endure every single waking moment of every day now. I believe xxxxxxxxxx is my best option, and i think sincerely about xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
I guess i am a bit of an armchair psychologist, and have dissected my own psyche down to the atom. I can list off every event and aspect of my life that has brought me to this point, which i suppose means that it would be unnecessary to do so. If anyone out there has some advice to give to me that makes more personal information relevant, than I am more than willing to provide. with that said, I'll cut to the chase.
I have had may relationships, and have been deeply in love may times. But my last girlfriend meant more to me than anything in the world. I truly believed we would be married, and she felt the same. Her family became my family ( because I don't have much of one of my own), and they too discussed our future marriage with excitement. We moved into an apartment together, bought new furniture together, and a wonderful dog. I got a decent job for the area, and she continued in school. I have never felt love like that in my entire life and all of our friends envied us.
Then seven months ago, with no warning, I caught her lying to me about where she was. i found her at a bar with a man I've known since freshman year of highschool. He is a local tattoo artist, covered head to toe and even a few on his face in ink. He is also a self-professed satanist, and long-time overall creep. He is recently divorced by his wife who won custody of their child with little contest. I have always hated him, and so has most of the town. Even his own brother, who is one of my most cherished friends, despises and dissowns him.
There is so much more to this story and mine, but the end result is this: she left me with no explanation as to why...no closure. She is now covered in tatoos, including her vagina, and doesnt even resemble the person i loved. My friends all got sick of me telling them how detroyed i was so now i keep it mostly to myself. I entered into a relationship with one of her friends out of spite which had no effect, and now i am stuck with a girl that i feel nothing for, but am too afraid to hurt her now.
Just weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my best friends and his girlfriend (who happens to be one of my ex's). They have a kid together. It was getting late, but his gf insisted i stay. Many drinks later, my friend had passed out but she insisted we keep drinking. I blacked out, and woke up to him screaming over us, while we both lie naked on the floor. Staying there was the worst judgement of my life, and now i am a pariah among all of our friend group, because he is honestly one of the nicest, most beloved people in our hometown. No one will speak to me or return my phone calls, so i have gone into seclusion from all my old friends and they seem pretty pleased with that.
So between that, my hopeless debt and destroyed credit, my lack of family, my inability to make new friends, my lack of education or money to get any, my pessimistic outlook on life, my pathetic family and lack of a support system, and the long string of constant failures that has followed me my entire life, i have decided that the ridiculously slim chance of me leading a satisfying life is not worth the pain, loneliness, and depression that i endure every single waking moment of every day now. I believe xxxxxxxxxx is my best option, and i think sincerely about xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
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