I realised today...my life is empty now. I feel empty. When I'm talking with someone and having fun and they say that I'm funny or pay me a compliment or listen to what I say, I still feel like I'm nothing underneath. Like I'm an embarrasment who should never talk again who should crawl beneath the ground and just die. Life is bad now. But even if things get better, if I get married and get a job I like and have kids and a nice house, all those things I'm never going to be satisfied. I'm almost certain those things are never going to happen anyway. I wish I could grab hold of life anyways. Instead of hearing it rush past or brush against the tips of my fingers or the side of my face with all the light bouncing off and the shadows....and feeling all hollow inside, with all the emptiness filled up with this aching or worry and stress. But still detatched from it like 'oh, never mind, it's only money anyway' 'or it probably wouldn't work out anyway'.But still life is rushing past and suddenly I'll wake up in a panic and I'll look at the calender and it'll be 2020 or something and I'll be really old and even more disgusting. I realised a few days ago...that I will probably kill myself. Probably not yet but I've accepted that future for myself. So I know now I can never have kids, well I'm not going to let myself have kids, I can't fuck up innocence like that. Like going over to a little child laughing with beautiful bright eyes and slapping them hard across the face so hard that their nose bleeds. But I've finally let go of the preciousness of life, which is a good thing I think. I'm still scared though but it's always an option open, keep your options open.