This Life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by aki, Jun 11, 2008.

  1. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I realised life is empty now. I feel empty. When I'm talking with someone and having fun and they say that I'm funny or pay me a compliment or listen to what I say, I still feel like I'm nothing underneath. Like I'm an embarrasment who should never talk again who should crawl beneath the ground and just die. Life is bad now. But even if things get better, if I get married and get a job I like and have kids and a nice house, all those things I'm never going to be satisfied. I'm almost certain those things are never going to happen anyway. I wish I could grab hold of life anyways. Instead of hearing it rush past or brush against the tips of my fingers or the side of my face with all the light bouncing off and the shadows....and feeling all hollow inside, with all the emptiness filled up with this aching or worry and stress. But still detatched from it like 'oh, never mind, it's only money anyway' 'or it probably wouldn't work out anyway'.But still life is rushing past and suddenly I'll wake up in a panic and I'll look at the calender and it'll be 2020 or something and I'll be really old and even more disgusting. I realised a few days ago...that I will probably kill myself. Probably not yet but I've accepted that future for myself. So I know now I can never have kids, well I'm not going to let myself have kids, I can't fuck up innocence like that. Like going over to a little child laughing with beautiful bright eyes and slapping them hard across the face so hard that their nose bleeds. But I've finally let go of the preciousness of life, which is a good thing I think. I'm still scared though but it's always an option open, keep your options open.
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    What a joke what a god damn fucking joke what a sick fucking joke what a joke what a bloody hell shit hell joke it is i am :mad:

    sooo fucking funny lul
  3. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    I used to feel so much like you.

    I know this isn't much help but if you're feeling shit, hollow and empty inside it is very difficult to do the things you want.

    And when people pay you a compliment and you feel awful and empty- I used to feel like that too. I hated myself so much.

    You might not feel like you're going anywhere- you know what you remind me of, in my counselling sessions a couple of years back I used to describe a lot of marathon runners running from my forehead into the distance. I'd be sick with anxiety about my future. That's how you sound've got a lot of marathon runners running off into the distance about your future which scares you to bits, I can tell...

    From my very personal experience and this might not help you one bit, I've stopped looking so far ahead and have recently concentrated on the simplicities of here and now......just here and now, and what I need.

    Maybe it'd be helpful for you to think what you need. Is life and time scaring you or is it that empty hollow sick feeling inside that is scaring you or is it the combination- and if it is, what comes first- outside or inside, what to deal with first?.

    You could do all those things like you say and fuck it up...if you've not dealt with the inside of you first. A lot of people do that, you know...a lot....and they don't think and they go on and mess everything don't sound like that. I've spoken to you and although you feel empty and hollow- I've seen another side of you which is very kind, sweet and thoughtful and is also very scared. Which is understandable too.

    Take care...I do stalk you on these forums don't I? :biggrin: Your hugs these last two weeks have meant a lot.
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    It is a help. A big help. Thank you.

    I think it is a combination of both....

    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2008
  5. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I think people start feeling this way to sheild themselves, because you already don't believe that your life will be better or that you can be happy and have kids, it hurts when people say it. It hurts when someone believes in you and you don't. You're probably pouring more sweat and tears into your life than it is worth, it seems like something is bothering you that makes you look over your shoulder rather than at what you already have. Take a break! Get some fresh air! I suggest looking for something new to do, like taking art classes or going hiking. Something new and that you think you will enjoy. You may find something new to live for or at least feel a bit better about yourself and about your life. If you keep feeling empty you can always talk to us, I hope you feel better soon.
  6. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    I'm not exactly sure if what, well how you are feeling is like how I'm feeling too. You know what is sad, one day I was sitting in class, not paying attention (which is why I got such a bad grade out of that class) but I had this huge scary revelation, I am going to end up alone. My mom just tells me that I have to talk to guys and be more. . . hmm. . . what word to use. Anyway, she told me to talk more but how am I supposed to talk to guys face to face when I feel like shit? Inside and out. Sometimes, I just hate myself so much that I wish that I could just, you know, off myself I guess. . . but then I realize that life could be worse. Sometimes, I feel like I'm 100 years old instead of being my age. I really hope life gets better for you. I also wish that cheesy little phrases could make your life better, but unfortunately I can't come up with one right now and cheesy little phrases usually piss me off so maybe that's all it would do to you too so I'm just going to say good luck.