This may be triggering...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by what.happened?, Nov 25, 2010.

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  1. I feel alone. No one understands. I was sexually abused 4 year ago today by my uncle. During the year I deal with it. it doesn't effect me, but then this time of year I get really depressed. I go through hell. My ex boyfriend has always been there for me before and when he wasn't last year my best friend was. Now i have neither of them in my life. I want a future with my current partner. I've tried to let him in, I'm open and honest... I want to let him in... but he just doesn't understand. He sees me upset and just tells me I'm being stupid. He says you can't keep doing this, what your telling me that every year when this comes around your going to have a melt down. You have to get over it. Its not like I want to feel this way. I thought it was getting better. Last year I didn't even really get flashbacks. But this is the first year I've done it alone. I've had to spend my nights alone. Last night I was getting flashbacks. I was lying in bed and get a tickle on my back and jumped like hell up out of bed and turned the light on. I heard creeks and it freaked me out. I was so scared. I realised this is becoming the worst year because I have no one around me. I'm alone and don't feel safe. I no its stupid because I know he's not here. I know nothings going to happen but I just don't feel safe. and he just doesn't understand I've tried to explain. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to go through this. I can't help it. I try to ignore it and tell myself I'm fine but I can't. He just doesn't understand, but I have no one else to turn to. I feel so alone. I don't know if I can do this by myself. I was so close to just ending it last night. If I have to do another night again by myself I don't know if I can survive it. Every night it just gets worse. it started on Tuesday night, but I was able to deal with it. Last night was awful. Tonight's the night it actually happened. I feel its only going to be worse then last night. I don't no what to do. I'm scared of the coming night. To be alone. Of what's coming.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You're getting panic attacks as a result and that's affecting your reasoning.
    Have you discussed this abuse with your doctor? I'd recommend that you do since there are practical things which can be done to help you. He'd be able to give you a mild sedative to get through the anniversary for example and also set up counselling to help you come to terms with what's happened to you.
    What happened to you was horrific and appalling and I'm sorry that you had to suffer that. You have survived it though and that makes you a survivor. You'll survive this too.
    Stay on line and there'll be someone here to talk to. You're not alone, we're all here too.
    If you need to talk, pm me.
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hey, come and find me, im a survivor........ it is still with me, almost everyday but i will not let them do more damage. Sometimes it seems like only yesterday, sometimes i can still smell him.
    You have yourself and that is a start.
    Come and find me, i have been a survivor for over two decades, i care and i want to listen and maybe talk, the answers are always there, sometimes we just don't look in the right place. Peace Pete
  4. I thought that effected you all the time though? It's only really bad round this time of year. The rest of the time if it comes to mind I'm able to push it away.... be stronger then the thoughts. I duno though atm I'm not. I'm alone and I'm afraid. I had to sleep with the lights on last night... I haven't done that for years. Without somebody here by my side I feel vulnerable. I know he's not in the same house as me... I know he can't hurt me again... but the tiniest little creek in the house and I freak! Everybody just keeps telling me... 'be strong', 'don't let him control you', don't let him win', 'don't think about it', 'your safe', 'you need to get over it and live your life'.... I try. I really do. but it's just not that easy. I don't want to feel the way I do... see the things I see when I close my eyes... I don't want to keep re-living it. But no matter how much I try it just doesn't go away. People say their here for me, they understand... but they don't... I can see it in their eyes whenever I try to talk to them that they think I'm stupid, I should be over it, the 'oh here we go again', the 'it's been 4 year (well 5 today), she should be over this by now'... I think people just think I'm attention seeking... that I just play on what happened for people attention... but I don't. I prefer to not have another person ever talk to me again then go through this. The thing is though... I know it's stupid... I should be over it... he doesn't deserve to have this control over my life... I feel like he's winning.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    trauma counselling and medication can go a long way to help you heal. i get flashbacks and nightmares, too. i take propranalol for the nightmares, it really helps. you should ask your doctor about it. everyone heals differently, and in their own time. there is no right way. be kind to yourself, get some extra help.
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    No, it can come and go depending on the individual stressors. It's like any kind of mental health problem, you get good times and bad. The anniversary is a natural stressor. You're bound to have the feelings of Post Traumatic Stress at this time.
    All the symptoms you're describing point to this being a panic attack and part of the PTSD.
    Dazzle is right, something like the meds he suggested would get you through it. (I'm on them too)

    It's never going to go away and you'll never really get over it. I was raped by a family member 35 years ago when I was a child. I still get flashbacks and panic attacks. What will happen is that you'll learn to live with it and you'll learn to control your reaction to it. That's going to take some time and a lot longer than 5 years and you'll need professional help but you will get there.

    He isn't winning, you are. You're still here and for the majority of the year you're okay. That's brilliant, you're doing really well. You've just got to get the last bit sorted out now.
  7. Thank you that means alot :) Also thank you to everybody else who posted... You really helped me through a hard time... Truely thank-you all so much! Xx
    As for the meds I will look into them, and I'm on a waiting list to start seeing a psychiatrist, not specifically for that, but know doubt that will come up and hopefully by next year things will be better :)
    To everybody who posted and said they had been through similar things... I hope you manage ok and things have and will continue to get better for you.
    Once again thank you all so much.
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