This may be weird but it is the main reason I am suicidal

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jamie2, Apr 7, 2009.

  1. jamie2

    jamie2 Active Member

    All my life I have spent it as the outcast of society, in my family, and in my social life. I have tried so hard to fit in but it never worked. Eventually in school I became this very overweight kid and was completely miserable. Than one day out of nowhere, my house burned down and I was freed. At this point I was taken out of society, and I tried to cope with my life. I spent a year relaxing, then the next year, I started to look at myself in the mirror. I thought to myself that I was the ugliest person in the world. So I attempted to change this, I pushed myself to extremes, I lost all the weight, I reshaped my face through facial exercises, and by the end, I looked nothing like my original self, I was actually considered beautiful for the first time in my life and I kinda fell in love with myself. People started to approach me and everything was great. But I was alone. As the years followed I entered college and I tried to fit in society but noone would pay attention and I was alone. In order to correct this I sought out a job.This was the biggest mistake of my life, when I first started working I thought everyone would like me but they ended up hurting me. Worst of all I stayed there to long and due to dehydration, and malnutrition my physical appearance changed drastically.

    I don't know why this happened but it destroyed my self-esteem completely, I was a very happy highly motivated individual because of my appearance, mainly because it was the greatest achievement of my life. Yes, I am aware that you can say that your appearance is genetically determined but what I liked about my appearance were the things that enhanced it which I achieve through various means. Since I have quit my job I as of recently managed to fix certain parts of my physical appearance, but certain things I can no longer fix, the size of my jaw, skin color change, and sagging skin, I find it really hard to stare at myself in the mirror now, the one thing that once used to motivate me to do near impossible feats is gone. I am very very depressed nowadays due to this but there is more. But really, I just cannot cope with the change of my physical, at least not in the direction it went.

    And I know you can argue that I was going to age anyways and that it shouldn't concern me but what I know, that you might not comprehend, is the fact that the way you age can be highly controlled by an individual based on what they do, eat, and other secrets and tricks. I know this to be true from 7 years of experience changing my own appearance. I know this may bother some of you and for that I am sorry but I can not cope with the fact that the reason I let myself go and my life get ruined was over a pointless job and unreciprocated love. I am tired of the world around me. I have completely detached myself from the real world for way too long for me to care about mindless pointless things that people do and the things that I care about I can no longer do, so I don't see why I need to live anymore, I don't need to live for someone else, so my death will mean nothing to anyone so I am tired.

    Thank You