• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

This may never go away

#1
Almost a decade later, and I'm still struggling with my depression and suicidal ideation. I've been to the VA (Veteran's Affairs Hospital), a community walk-in clinic, a private therapist outside the VA, talked with friends, tried various medications, tried exercising, tried various behavioral therapies, etc., etc., etc. The conclusion I keep reaching is that I may very well struggle with this my whole life, and that thought completely crushes me.

I know there are things to look forward to. I know my family loves me and wants me here. Regardless, I know this is a fight that I will never truly overcome, and the longer it continues, the more energy I lose. Some days like today, I don't even have the mental capacity to commit to work, or to taking care of myself. I never thought I'd reach this point, but I'm at a place where I truly fear that either I will lose my job, or that I am going to have to quit. I've missed deadlines, forgotten critical emails, and my decision making ability is almost gone - I'm in a personnel management role and these are all HUGE problems, but I don't know how to dig myself out anymore.

I literally have no one left to talk to, either. I've used the crisis line before, but don't find them very reliable or helpful. I can't talk to my counselor, because there's always the threat of being institutionalized. I can't even tell my family, not because I don't love them, but because I've shared these things with my mom before and I've seen the way it's crushed her, and I can't keep doing that. I would rather rip off the bandaid, rather than allow it to drag them down with me. I know it will hurt them, but it's already hurting them.

All this being said, no I do not have a plan. I know exactly how I want to go, but I haven't decided on the time and place yet. For the moment, I'm just tired and empty.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#2
Hello and welcome. I know I have my own method but it is good to see you here and hopefully you will join in with others of us and find a bit of comfort here. Many of us members have gone through and face the same as you.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
welcome to SF @emptysoul69 we are a peer community that cares but never judges. please look around the forums and post when you feel comfortable, we also have a good chat section if you prefer real time. depression can suck the life out of you. it's possible that it will always be there but it's possible to get better. keep working with your doctor to keep trying different meds and therapy. things can get better so please don't give up yet...mike....*console*sadhug*shake
 

FlamingoWrangler

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi @emptysoul69
there was a question posted last night “how long has everyone been like this?” Sadly, it can be very long. it helps having a community that understands. i hope you stick around and explore. I hope you are able to find some comfort here & irl.
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Hey @emptysoul69 You're right that you may very well struggle with this your whole life. But you don't have to do it alone. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. Here you are talking to people who can relate because they have dealt with the same or similar thoughts. And here you don't have to worry about being institutionalized for something you say. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here. *hug
 
#6
I've been to the VA (Veteran's Affairs Hospital), a community walk-in clinic, a private therapist outside the VA, talked with friends, tried various medications, tried exercising, tried various behavioral therapies, etc., etc., etc. The conclusion I keep reaching is that I may very well struggle with this my whole life, and that thought completely crushes me
Sorry that you haven't gotten good results despite trying so many things. It would be understandable for you to be tired of trying things, but there's more things to try, and I'd be happy to make some suggestions if you'd like.
Almost a decade later, and I'm still struggling with my depression and suicidal ideation
You're welcome to say more about what's made you depressed if you'd like to, but it's also ok not to say anything.
I can't talk to my counselor, because there's always the threat of being institutionalized
Unless you've formed a plan or have gathered methods, they usually don't do that to people. Maybe you could ask your counselor under what circumstances you'd be in danger of that being done.
I know it will hurt them, but it's already hurting them.
How much it's hurt them so far is nothing compared what would happen if you killed yourself. Talk to some parents that have had a son or daughter that killed themselves, they'll tell you.

I know you've tried, it's got to be frustrating, but the only good way out of this is to keep trying until something helps.
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#7
Almost a decade later, and I'm still struggling with my depression and suicidal ideation. I've been to the VA (Veteran's Affairs Hospital), a community walk-in clinic, a private therapist outside the VA, talked with friends, tried various medications, tried exercising, tried various behavioral therapies, etc., etc., etc. The conclusion I keep reaching is that I may very well struggle with this my whole life, and that thought completely crushes me.

I literally have no one left to talk to, either. I've used the crisis line before, but don't find them very reliable or helpful. I can't talk to my counselor, because there's always the threat of being institutionalized. I can't even tell my family, not because I don't love them, but because I've shared these things with my mom before and I've seen the way it's crushed her, and I can't keep doing that. I would rather rip off the bandaid, rather than allow it to drag them down with me. I know it will hurt them, but it's already hurting them.
emptysoul69, we are all different, but your story and mine may share some common ground. My medical folks are with the VA, and the benefit to their care has been questionable. I have also lost family, friends, neighbors, professional colleagues, spiritual folks, etc. I am here if you would like to chat privately.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$510.00
Goal
$255.00
Top