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This may turn out longer than I intended.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by paintmeprettyx, Jul 10, 2009.

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  1. paintmeprettyx

    paintmeprettyx New Member

    I will keep this as short as I can, just don't mind me if it turns into one big ramble.

    Here's my backstory; just so you guys can get a little more insight to why I'm suicidal and why I thoroughly hate myself at the moment.

    I am 21. I live in a mobile home next to my parents, my husband and I pay no bills. (Which is the biggest plus to living here, although we're still barely managing to get by.) This place should be condemned, to say the least. I'll spare you the details and just say this: The floors are caving in, 99% of the stuff doesn't work, its molded/mildewed... there are various holds in the wall due to my childish anger, and its very unsafe for the both of us to live here.

    We have two kids. My daughter was born on Halloween of 2007, I gave birth to my chunky son on May 11th of this year. How does this work out, if the mobile home is so horrible and small, you ask? It doesn't.

    I've had a lot of problems. Mentally and socially. My mom mostly raised me with my dad working all of the time. Mother is mentally unstable, and I'll just leave it at that.

    My sister who is 37 has been taking care of my child(ren) since a few months after my daughter was born. We've been through several battles with her. She tried to trick me into signing some adoption papers. (full out adoption; now we're considering just joint custody because... well, we have no other choice here.)

    I just feel so very alone. After the birth of my son, it seems like a lot of my mental problems cleared up. Perhaps it was the horomones, who knows. But I'm now going out /in public/ and doing things on my own I would have NEVER considered doing before. I want my kids back, yet I don't. Its unsafe here, and in their best interests not to be here.

    Of course, all of this gets a lot more complicaited than that. I've left out a lot of details, but that is the basic jist of what is bothering me at the moment.

    I have no friends. The only person I have to talk to is my husband and I'm very close to my dad--but ever since my depression sort of subsided (SORT of... its still there, but for the reasons I've already mentioned--instead of being depressed over my own self hatred.) I've noticed my dad has held me back in life just as much as my mom has. And i'm doing the same thing to my own children. Its a vicious cycle.

    I normally go to my sisters on the weekend on Sunday with my dad. It's the only day he has off. I don't drive, due to my social anxiety. So getting places is a huge problem for me. I'm starting to snap at my dad because its the SAME OLD STUFF EVERY FREAKING WEEKEND!!! I'm tired of doing the SAME thing. And its NOT that I dont want to see my kids... I do, but what my dad does is becoming quite the nuisance anymore!!

    I hope all of that makes sense.

    Ugh... sorry. Rambling... lonely.
  2. paintmeprettyx

    paintmeprettyx New Member

    Oh well. I was kind of hoping for some support or a reply... anything. Guess not. Bye guys.
  3. GeekGurl

    GeekGurl Well-Known Member

    Hi, sorry to hear that you're in such a rough situation. I don't really know how to comment because I really can't relate. I'm not sure about the deal with your sister and the adoption papers, I guess I would have to know more of the story to judge. and of course I understand your desire to see and be with your kids, but also to make sure they're well looked after. It seems like your sister really is giving you a gift here, giving you the chance to maybe sort out your life and get yourself into a position where you could then look after your children. You say your depression has subsided somewhat, so that's great, what's the next step? have you got a job? could you manage one? school? doing something about where you live even if it is just patching up your mobile home? Although while obviously you rely on your dad somewhat is living by your mom part of what is dragging you down?

    It's hard for me to know what's achievable for you really, here in the UK we have council housing and free medical care, and child benefit, and free training to help unemployed people get back to work. I don't think many of those things exist in the US, so I really don't know. sorry.
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Kim,

    Please don't be disheartened by the lack of replies. You will get them, but sometimes they can take a while to come through. I have noticed that the last couple of Friday's the forum has been quiet. And quite often people read a thread a few times before replying, maybe because they're not feeling too good theirself or they don't know what to say. These are not excuses, just hoping to reassure that we're not ignoring you.

    I admit that I read your thread last night, more than once. I felt incredibly sad for you & your situation but I did not reply, partly because I am struggling a lot myself & partly because I did not think I had anything to say that would help you.

    Do both of your children live with your sister? Are you receiving professional help for your problems?

    We're her to support you as much we can Kim.

    Please take care :hug:.
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