I will keep this as short as I can, just don't mind me if it turns into one big ramble. Here's my backstory; just so you guys can get a little more insight to why I'm suicidal and why I thoroughly hate myself at the moment. I am 21. I live in a mobile home next to my parents, my husband and I pay no bills. (Which is the biggest plus to living here, although we're still barely managing to get by.) This place should be condemned, to say the least. I'll spare you the details and just say this: The floors are caving in, 99% of the stuff doesn't work, its molded/mildewed... there are various holds in the wall due to my childish anger, and its very unsafe for the both of us to live here. We have two kids. My daughter was born on Halloween of 2007, I gave birth to my chunky son on May 11th of this year. How does this work out, if the mobile home is so horrible and small, you ask? It doesn't. I've had a lot of problems. Mentally and socially. My mom mostly raised me with my dad working all of the time. Mother is mentally unstable, and I'll just leave it at that. My sister who is 37 has been taking care of my child(ren) since a few months after my daughter was born. We've been through several battles with her. She tried to trick me into signing some adoption papers. (full out adoption; now we're considering just joint custody because... well, we have no other choice here.) I just feel so very alone. After the birth of my son, it seems like a lot of my mental problems cleared up. Perhaps it was the horomones, who knows. But I'm now going out /in public/ and doing things on my own I would have NEVER considered doing before. I want my kids back, yet I don't. Its unsafe here, and in their best interests not to be here. Of course, all of this gets a lot more complicaited than that. I've left out a lot of details, but that is the basic jist of what is bothering me at the moment. I have no friends. The only person I have to talk to is my husband and I'm very close to my dad--but ever since my depression sort of subsided (SORT of... its still there, but for the reasons I've already mentioned--instead of being depressed over my own self hatred.) I've noticed my dad has held me back in life just as much as my mom has. And i'm doing the same thing to my own children. Its a vicious cycle. I normally go to my sisters on the weekend on Sunday with my dad. It's the only day he has off. I don't drive, due to my social anxiety. So getting places is a huge problem for me. I'm starting to snap at my dad because its the SAME OLD STUFF EVERY FREAKING WEEKEND!!! I'm tired of doing the SAME thing. And its NOT that I dont want to see my kids... I do, but what my dad does is becoming quite the nuisance anymore!! I hope all of that makes sense. Ugh... sorry. Rambling... lonely.