I am so...tired. Im tired of being smiley and warm and doing everything I can get myself to do to feel like Im good enough for other people...being as good a friend as I possibly can be, or as good a daughter as I can make it seem...I try to be as perfect as possible but it amounts to nothing. Im never good enough. I am constantly stressed about any and all relationships, I have no confidence in myself or trust in the world around me. Its like I am the tag-along in the movie that noone gives a damn about, simply keeps for the comedy they provide and the support when they need it. Anyway, I feel horrendously guilty asking for theirs. The worst feeling is knowing its all "in my head" or that there is apparently "something" that is causing me to feel this way. That my brain cant even do its job right. I hate that I cant ask for help when I need it because i feel that I am being weak, or dont deserve it, or that it will chase people away. On here Ive been just watching the screen while I go into pits of depression, unable to to put it out there. Instead I stay silent, try to cheer someone up, fail, sign off, and then retreat into my head. My goddamn dysfunctional head. Everything, everything that I do with those I care about I do in the least possible hurtful way, I kill myself trying to keep them happy, laughing, and then I sit at home either numb or crying and alone telling myself how lucky I am that anyone would waste their time with me and too ungrateful to take peace from that. All I want is to be good enough and I wont ever be.... Im sorry. This is just the first time in awhile that I have felt able to let it out a bit...And even though noone is likely to read this or respond...I want to pretend that my existence is recognized, even as a random name on the computer screen.