This might be a little self-indulgent, and if it is I apologize.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by greyroses, Jun 17, 2009.

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  1. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    I am so...tired. Im tired of being smiley and warm and doing everything I can get myself to do to feel like Im good enough for other people...being as good a friend as I possibly can be, or as good a daughter as I can make it seem...I try to be as perfect as possible but it amounts to nothing. Im never good enough. I am constantly stressed about any and all relationships, I have no confidence in myself or trust in the world around me. Its like I am the tag-along in the movie that noone gives a damn about, simply keeps for the comedy they provide and the support when they need it. Anyway, I feel horrendously guilty asking for theirs. The worst feeling is knowing its all "in my head" or that there is apparently "something" that is causing me to feel this way. That my brain cant even do its job right. I hate that I cant ask for help when I need it because i feel that I am being weak, or dont deserve it, or that it will chase people away. On here Ive been just watching the screen while I go into pits of depression, unable to to put it out there. Instead I stay silent, try to cheer someone up, fail, sign off, and then retreat into my head. My goddamn dysfunctional head. Everything, everything that I do with those I care about I do in the least possible hurtful way, I kill myself trying to keep them happy, laughing, and then I sit at home either numb or crying and alone telling myself how lucky I am that anyone would waste their time with me and too ungrateful to take peace from that. All I want is to be good enough and I wont ever be....


    Im sorry. This is just the first time in awhile that I have felt able to let it out a bit...And even though noone is likely to read this or respond...I want to pretend that my existence is recognized, even as a random name on the computer screen.
     
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I know you don't mean to but you're breaking my heart Greyroses. Just be yourself. If that's not good enough for everyone else, too bad for them. You can't be expected to be the one to lift everyone's spirits.

    And..you can ask for help, but maybe through SF. There are so many that share parts or all of what you've experienced. So please stick with us for awhile. How about if we keep you entertained for awhile?

    Most important: YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! This is the place where you find out! Feel free to send me a private message if you wish. Or just keep posting and responding to posts if you can and you will make some great contacts and/or friends. YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!! :hug: Self indulgent? Not even close!
     
  3. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I know how you feel. I often think I'm living just to make everybody happy and I can never do it good enough. I also have a hell of a time asking for help. I don't want people going out of their way for me because I don't feel that I deserve it. I wish I had some good advice for you.
     
  4. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses. I honestly thought that my post would go ignored. Im trying to find a way to feel like I matter but its hard...guilt is really hard to fight against when its self-imposed. I will do my best though...
    I hope I can make friends on here...I really feel like it wont happen. Im too boring and essentially useless. Anyway, I will try. Thank you for your words. I appreciate you taking the time.
     
  5. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I feel that I'm boring and useless too. We have a lot in common!
     
  6. Ash7614

    Ash7614 Active Member

    It is so weird to see someone else write exactly how i feel.

    You're not alone

    I find this forum much more supported than my friends and family because i know people here can empathise.
     
  7. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    isnt it strange how one can feel so pointless in their existence, comparing themselves to people they see around them, wishing that they were more like him or her, and unknowingly be surrounded by people who feel the exact same? Its sick, really. Why do we have to feel like that? And how do those people who do feel they have worth *do* it. I wanna know their secret.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think everyone has self doubt some just don't show it. Some put on a front that all is well when in fact they are being eaten up inside. I am glad you are able to write what you feel and i see people here do care. You are definitely a caring person never doubt your self worth take care.
     
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