I've been feeling pretty good for a while, but took some time off from work to relax. We've been working especially hard lately. I took 5 days off, put my dog in the kennel and had planned to do a lot of fun things. But in the end I spent 5 days in my apartment, watching TV and surfing the internet. I realized that without work or my dog, my life sucks. Then today, just now really, I started worrying about some medical things. I've convinced myself that I have cancer and that I'm going to die. I'm going to go see a doctor soon just to be sure. But now all I can think about is how I'll go out. I'm not sure I would even attempt to treat it if it were cancer. I watched my mom do that and in the end I don't think the additional time she got out of treatment made up for how terrible the treatment was. Part of me is really very scared. I'm 42, just a young guy still. Unmarried, no kids, nothing really to speak of outside of a few possessions, a job and a dog. I don't really want to die without "more." To feel love just one more time. I watched both of my parents die in hospital bed, having worked every day until the went into the hospital. Never retiring, never traveling. I don't want that. Another part of me is calm. I've been unhappy for a long time and I have very little in my life to make it worth living, including very few who would miss me. And don't get me started on how bad things in general are in the world. That part of me wants to cash out my retirement, max out my credit cards and go on a round the world trip and then when the money runs out, call it a day. I think the scared part of me is winning right now. I'm not ready to die, but I'm not ready to fight some horrible disease either. I'm just scared. Really, really scared.