This might be it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by odnox, Jul 8, 2009.

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  1. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I've been feeling pretty good for a while, but took some time off from work to relax. We've been working especially hard lately. I took 5 days off, put my dog in the kennel and had planned to do a lot of fun things. But in the end I spent 5 days in my apartment, watching TV and surfing the internet. I realized that without work or my dog, my life sucks.

    Then today, just now really, I started worrying about some medical things. I've convinced myself that I have cancer and that I'm going to die. I'm going to go see a doctor soon just to be sure. But now all I can think about is how I'll go out. I'm not sure I would even attempt to treat it if it were cancer. I watched my mom do that and in the end I don't think the additional time she got out of treatment made up for how terrible the treatment was.

    Part of me is really very scared. I'm 42, just a young guy still. Unmarried, no kids, nothing really to speak of outside of a few possessions, a job and a dog. I don't really want to die without "more." To feel love just one more time. I watched both of my parents die in hospital bed, having worked every day until the went into the hospital. Never retiring, never traveling. I don't want that.

    Another part of me is calm. I've been unhappy for a long time and I have very little in my life to make it worth living, including very few who would miss me. And don't get me started on how bad things in general are in the world. That part of me wants to cash out my retirement, max out my credit cards and go on a round the world trip and then when the money runs out, call it a day.

    I think the scared part of me is winning right now. I'm not ready to die, but I'm not ready to fight some horrible disease either. I'm just scared. Really, really scared.
  2. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    What makes you think you have cancer?
  3. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I've had these symptoms/issues for years. They come and go and never really have been a problem. But I'm a cyberchondriac, so when they reappear I search the internet and usually end up attached to the worst possible disease. But this time for some reason I'm more scared. After my time off I decided that I need to do something different with my life, but that's when the fear usually kicks in.

    I've looked up the symptoms, some of which are what I have, other than I don't have them all the time and haven't in months. I don't even have them right now. I have none of the risk factors. But no amount of rationalizing is going to convince me that I'll be fine. I'm not sure a doctor could tell me I'm fine. I know about self-fulfilling prophecies too. Stress isn't good for your health in any way.

    I'm just freaking out. I'm really, really scared.

    Thanks for your reply!
  4. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Well then I would get into a dr quickly so you can hopefully find out you're ok and put your mind at ease a bit.
  5. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I'm going to go see a doctor soon. For some reason, this time I don't think I'm going to be OK. I think this really is the end for me.

    Thanks again.
  6. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I hope everything turns out for the best!
  7. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I hope so too. This is the most scared I've been in years.

    Thanks Ronnie!
  8. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    I know just the possibility is really scary, but try not to worry yourself with what ifs until you've seen a doctor. I hope everything turns out alright. :hug:
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I understand how scared you must be but just because you have similar symptoms doesn't mean you actually have cancer, or that you can't beat it if you do have it. Hold onto your hope that it's nothing sinister and let us know how the doctor goes. :hug:
  10. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Thanks Ellie and Lena!

    I'm a little calmer today. Still scared, but not as much.

    I've been thinking about how I'm going to change my life either way. I spend too much time working and at home on the computer. I don't want to do that as much. I'm going to spend more time with my dog, maybe volunteer to do things with animals. I already live a pretty simple life without many possessions. That's by choice. But I'm going to start getting rid of some of the stuff that's accumulated over the last year. I even just threw out a bunch of junk food I had in the house.

    Thanks again everyone! This is a great place when you feel really down. And I really appreciate that you took time to read this thread and comment. It really does help.

  11. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    But please don't forget to have yourself checked just in case. You have to be strong whatever comes next. You have to be ready before and after.

    Take care.
  12. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I will be seeing the doctor shortly. Thanks for your wishes.

    I'm a little better now. Still a little scared, but as I said I intend to make changes in my life either way and I'm starting those changes all ready. I'll be turning off the computer shortly after this message. Last night I ended up staying up way too late and had to get up for work. I slept on the couch even. Tonight, I'm going to get more sleep. Took a long walk earlier with the pup. It's cooler today so it was a nice walk.

    We all have to die eventually and I guess spending my life in the fetal position in a cold sweat isn't going to prolong my life. What time I have left I should enjoy as much as possible, be it 6 months or 50 years.

    Thanks again everyone, it really does help to have someone care!
  13. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    That's good to hear. :)
  14. chickee

    chickee Active Member

    As a former cyberchondriac, I relate. I used to have vague symptoms and feel as though I was hooked to the internet and couldn't leave certain things alone. My mind would constantly go back to that worry of disease and it was so bad I had a hard time functioning. For me, it was anxiety about life redirected. Once I got myself a bit together, I stopped googling and have since abandoned the internet for symptom-checking. I realize how paralyzingly scary it is. I can't even explain it because it's more of a feeling and I can't put it into words.

    Us introverts have it rough when it comes to support. It's hard enough to reach out to others and trust them but if you are naturally introverted it's even more difficult. I mean, the joining of clubs etc is the advice I normally get but it doesn't really help that much.

    I'm just saying I relate but I don't know how to make it better. Maybe relating is enough for now?
  15. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Have a doctors appointment for this week. A bit calmer now, but this afternoon I had a full fledged freak out. Scared more than I have ever been. Still no major symptoms, just fear. Fear of dying, fear of not having done more with my life. Of not seeing my dog anymore.

    As much as I would have given anything for all the pain of my life to go away a few weeks or months ago, I just don't want to die any more. But now I'm freaking out because I see now that my life needs to change and I'm not sure if I'll get to make any changes before I die.

    So very scared.

    Thanks to everyone that's posted. It does mean a lot to me.
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi odnox,I just want to wish you luck with your doctors appointment :hug: I hope it will help!

    Always here for you :hug:
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