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This might be my last night on earth

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aPerfect_paraol, Jul 12, 2009.

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  1. I am ashamed to share this information, but I want people to know my story.

    I'm a musician. I've had dreams of the things I could have created. I felt that I really could have made an impact on the world as a composer, performer and teacher. But now I just have no drive to do anything musical. This is because I have no drive to do anything really. Everything seems pointless. I have no passion in my music anymore, so what's the point. I just feel like I'm playing notes.
    I dreamed of bending genres, bridging that gap between classical and jazz music, to rock music and beyond. I wanted to open people's minds and spread a message of individuality. But I just can't do it now. Not to mention I'm fat, my head is always in the clouds so I do stupid shit all the time, I'm single because I don't know what I want in a relationship, and I just feel that I have let everyone down. I'm also a martial artist, and I just can't shake the Samurai code or something. To them, shame and failure is worse than death. I feel that I have failed at everything I've every tried, and I've always had a gut feeling I would die at 21 years old. I always knew I would die at my hand, and wanted to since I was in 3rd grade. I just can't help but feel helpless.

    I want everyone to love each other, achieve what you are meant to achieve, and fight off those who get in your way. Never give up, there is always hope everyone.
    Some people are just meant to die, like God's little science experiment. You are not one of those people. I am. This is my destiny.
  2. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    are you only 21?
    you still have loads of time to do all that you want to do...... are you on medication? i hate medication myself because of all the side effects... well, it depends on the type... some are not too bad... sorry, my point it that sometimes medication just helps on a temporary basis, just to clear your head enough so that you can get on with stuff, your music for example, then momentum takes over, you do stuff and you begin to feel better, so you do more stuff, then you feel better again, and so on, until you don't really need to medication again...
    have you ever tried... you mustn't do anything rash, you are a creative person and creative people often feel like this, it's part of the creative process.... just fight it... go see a doctor, try and find a therapist, and try and continue with your music... you sound very ambitious, but honestly you are very very young, and in this world, nowadays real true creativity and talent are unfortunately not as valued as they used to be... but they still are, not by commercial popular culture though, so you can't expect to become an overnight success... but if you believe in what you want to do... then you need to realise that there are real genuine music lovers out there to and you will reach them one day, somehow...
    first things first though, you need to get out of this dark hole... please go see a doctor or try and find a therapist... you will be okay eventhough it doesn't seem like it now... i promise you will be.... xxx
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree totally your only 21 all kinds of time to create music to follow your dreams. You are in depression and the only thing to get out of there is go see a doctor. Get on some medication go get therapy do something so you can move on with your dream So young years ahead of you do something now while you are young go get yourself help and then come back here with you new compositions Come here anytime we are happy to hear you but please get help now no need to stop you dreams not when there is help out there.
  4. Thank you for your kind words I will try and take them to heart
  5. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I feel so similarly to you. I too am a musician, a singer/songwriter.. and I used to be so passionate about my art. Then all of a sudden I hit a road block, my inspiration has died; to create a song often takes extraordinary effort, I don't do it nearly as much as I used to, and when I finally get one out of me I feel it is lacking in some way. I am so apathetic about playing that I barely practice, and I am so disappointed with myself because I feel like a musical failure - every time I play, I just get super upset at myself and break down crying and have to stop. I just can't believe that I have to force myself to play, that I don't enjoy it anymore. When I perform live, I feel so apathetic and sad and the performance doesn't feel nearly as energetic as it should and I feel like the audience can see I'm on the verge of tears. Plus I took a medication that messed up my brain (hopefully temporarily but I don't know) - Trileptal was the drug - and now I can't focus and have a horrible memory and have trouble thinking and speaking coherently, nevermind writing poetic lyrics. the memory problem makes it even more difficult to perform. I am so frustrated because music is the only reason I actually wanted to live, it gave me a purpose because I felt I could touch people, and now I feel thats been destroyed. I really want to kill myself, but I PROMISED myself I would wait until I exhausted all possible solutions to put my life back on track. I too envision myself as being meant to die by my own hand, for me the age has always been 28...

    Idk, I just think that your vision for music could be a reality and that you should try to get back on track. Have you tried to get help for this? Please do!
  6. momeick

    momeick Member

    We want to hear your music. Don't give up yet. Sometimes it just takes a while for the rest of us to catch on. If you give up now, we'll never get it.
  7. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    It seems you are very much depressed. You have such great dreams. But because you failed at many things you have become discouraged, and depressed. I also failed at things and I became so much depressed that I thought of suicide. That was some 25 years ago. Since then I have gone up and up and up. I am glad I dd not kill myself. I think you too will be successful. Just hang in there. Talk to people whom you like and trust. Talk to a therapist. Think positive thoughts. Think that you will overcome all your troubles. God will give you strength to succeed and move forward.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum,

    Please let us know if you are okay. I agree with Mary,You have all the time in the world to reach your goals :D
    You should probably start working on your depression first though.
    Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?
    If not, we're here and we'll try and help you through this.
    Don't give up..life is too short :arms:
  9. killtomorrow

    killtomorrow Well-Known Member

    you have a beautiful dream man,
    wish there were more people like you on this fucked up planet.
  10. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I agree with everybody else... you're only 21....gives you plenty of time to reach your dreams. Your life is only just beginning. Stick around a while and maybe share some more of your ideas with some of us here...I know I'm interested and would love to here about your visions for music. If you want you can always PM me.
  11. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    I understand how you feel. Sometimes it can feel like everything is so far out of your reach that it would be futile to try. But it takes a lot to reach out like your doing, so I hope you'll keep that up awhile.

    I'm a martial artist myself, so I also understand what you mean about death before dishonor and the bushido code and all that. But, this is what my sifu told me after my suicide attempt: You only fail if you quit. If you're still fighting towards your goal, no matter how far away from winning you seem, you have not failed. Having trained, you must know that some techniques are more difficult than others and that they all take practice as well as time, and sometimes you have to learn other things and build your body up before you can learn what you want and know how to use it. To continue the metaphor, you have chosen a very difficult technique to learn. Therefor, it will take a considerable amount of preperatory effort before you are ready and, like any training, it takes as long as it takes and the path you take to get there is just as important as the goal itself. So, as long as you are alive, you have the potential to move towards your goal, and as long as you are moving forward in some way, no matter how insignificant it seems at the time, you have not failed. Therefor it is in your best interest to live and try to move forward.

    If you need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime. Good luck and I hope things look up for you soon.
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