This must be hell

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ub3, Jun 17, 2013.

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  1. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    My existence has become unbearable but im so head strong i just seem to keep going...I live in utter squalor and cant seem to clean anything even myself....I ust to be a heavy drinker and would get into mind boggoling situations eventually i landed on my own sword lost my house over night and ended up homeless...I had more will to live than i do now my condition seems to be steadily getting worse as i get older my teeth have nearly fallen out due to drugs and drink and are a constant reminder of my demise and total ruin...My family dont want to know me...my friends that i did have dissowned me...Ive obviously got mental issues i even ended up a full blown heroin addict...currently i am on prescribed opiates for the third time this has been truly soul crushing being a slave to a pain killer terrified to stop and desperate at the same time...I was never quite right i always squandered my money talents connections friends just have a destructive core that has created so much deep deep suffering...My constant yearning is to somehow find the courage to end it and do the world a favour but it seems i am rather spineless and fear the violence that i am surrounded by..Ive developed a poker face but latley i have nothing to hide i wish my secrets are the main thing that has brought about my ruin...I find it excruciating being in my own skin...I wish i could make it ok again
     
  2. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Due to my own personal opinion on it (that you put the alcohol/drugs in your system), I would be inclined to say that you are responsible for your actions that have since played a part in bringing about the situation you now find yourself in.


    This is stating the obvious
    ...that youve been proactive in your own ruin ...
    HELLO WE KNOW!...
    "Hey you!!!...you've fallen on your own sword... very unwise move"...
    "Thankyou for the additional information could you possibly call 999"
    Dosent strike me as peer to peer support scenario
    ...I suppose as stated its just an opinion like an arse hole everybody has one!
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I saw this when originally posted as well. I was tempted to try a reply then as well but chose not to as it is a difficult situation for you to be in, and I am sorry for that , but it is also a situation where there is little to say beyond the obvious and I doubt that will be of great benefit to you for me to preach the same as you already know yourself or have heard a hundred times before.

    There are things which I do not understand about it to be honest- I am unsure why if you were/are an addict they would prescribe opiates regardless and here in the US it would be near impossible to get prescription for them in the circumstance but I will chalk that up to differences in medical practices in other countries.

    The bottom line comes down to you seem very cognizant of the cause of many of your problems, and even if they are a reaction to other issues they are making it worse not helping. I do not know if you are still an alcoholic or addict or are just trying to recover from the place where you were left at the end of that but obviously the recovery is severely jeopardized by use of opiates now - but there is nothing about the reason they were prescribed so no idea if they were needed or not.

    I wish I had answers to help, I do not. To get more answers or support perhaps consider filling in some details about where you are at in your recovery, and why the pain now?

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  4. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Thankyou for your swift reply NYjmpmaster love that word cognizant ive never really heard it used before definition (clearly identifiable... recognisable) I know this is gonna sound self defeative but i recognise that im a loser despite my skewiff judgement(and this not being an absolute but...) Ive become an expert at feeding my negative perception of myself (Drink and drugs have proppelled this thought process astonishingly)...what i think and feel about myself has now magically manifested in my life ...NMA NEGATIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE i have harvested a really dismal existence...I often catch myself saying very bad things about myself...I have an addictive nature and started drinking age 13 and never looked back by age 16 i was physically addicted to alcohol...I was wounded very badlly by an extreem act of gang violence age 16 that ruptured my sense of self and saftey I was terrofied and suffered PTSD...for years i thought my attackers were randomly present and i never knew what they looked like so as far as i was concerned it could of been the milkman...I never quite got over that Im now scared of knives and baseball bats to cut a long story short...Drink and drugs took away the terror i hid in my heart for violence...There have been times when ive had to face violence and fight but the same crippling terror would return to handicap me ...But when im drunk im fearless...Ive been horrified at the fights ive picked whilst drunk only to later find out it was the local village thugs the night before...This has really brought up some food for thought im riddeled with ptma from other horrific situations....Like when my daughter had an accident in my care and lost all of her front teeth whilst strapped in a buggy that fell down concrete stairs I was stone cold sober she was only 3...That absolutly ruind me...Id releive the dread sometimes it comes back my conciusness was unbareble for years id just play the tape over and over and over and over and it would come randomly I failed to protect my princess from smashing her teeth on the concrete and i have crucified myself over that more than anything...Shes 17 now is above average beauty and her teeth are fine...THANKGOD. So i became a blackout drinker and do mad crazy shit and sometime not even have fleeting flashbacks of the horror that was in my heart the next morning this went on for years and years until i discovered crack and heroin it was a strage transition but the drugs helped me remember whilst drinking they became a solution I was terrified of alcohol and what it had done to me... One night ...the night my life finished i was in blackout unconcious but awake at the same time. I attacted a prominent gang member in the area i was living...the next day i woke up with the fear of god in me knowing id made a disatorus mistake but not quite sure what it was...I had flashbacks of me fighting but i was praying it was a bad dream...I was sick for 3 days with alcohol poisoning...at this time the heavies showed up at my door and confirmed that i was a dead man walking and that i better run for my life...They had a hang out just across the street from me and were constantly knocking on my door playing loud music telling me to run and looking through my window...for days doomed with terror i would crawl around my flat i dared not use the tiolet...I was trapped on the second floor... It was christmas time and on this day the snow was so thick you could barley see your hand infront of you...I grabbed my passport and some random photos and clothes...waited for the moment and jumped out the back window and run for my life never to come back...I had £5 hadnt eaten for days and was shaken like a leaf as the whole situation felt like the world was on my shoulders..I had ruind my life in a single night and doom enguled every fiber of my body.. i was moving futher and futher from eminent danger but i had fallen on my own sword and suddenly entered and new and terrofing reality to be continued ......So thats one of the reasons i stopped drinking Alcoholicly ...I ended up losing my house and becoming homeless and on the streets i met hardcore drug users they introduced me to crack and heroin...one of them said i ust to be a blackout drinker it was nothing but misery now i just do heroine and my life is much better he planted the seed and gradually and silently i crossed the invisible line and became a full blow junkie which is another story but here in the UK if your a heroine user the powers that be are desperate to get you on a legal prescription of oapiates weather your using or not its a whole nuver world of pain that is astonishingly difficult to get off harder than street drugs so they just keep your does high and are very reluctant for you to stop taking their legal heroin supposedly it stops crime but most people on it use street drugs on top

    WOW i have never really spoke much if at all about the time i fell on my own sword its pretty much been down hill since then
     
  5. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Sorry ive got a tendancy of going around the houses when explaining myself and answering simple questions but i just couldnt stop typing hope i havent freaked anybody out peace x
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 17, 2013
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    No worries, talking is good. Thank you for sharing, I have a little better understanding of who you are and where you are coming from now.

    Unfortunately, I have not had a sudden epiphany as to how to make it all better or even any real novel advice on where to start. I did a little research and must say the program of giving addicts a free steady reliable and easily available source to maintain the addiction would seem to me a real barrier to recovery. I understand idea of balancing social impact but I do not envy you the difficulty in breaking an addiction in that atmosphere either. I think the expectation to suddenly get such internal strength and motivation to take such a difficult step. Like asking a smoker to quit smoking cigarettes while placing a pack of cigarettes, lighter, and ashtray in front of them and saying quit or if you prefer just have a smoke...

    That said, I was on very high doses of morphine and opiate pain killers for several years for a chronic pain issue that I still have. I did at one point decide to try another course of trying to treat it and as much as it sucked for a couple weeks stopped using them. It was easier in my situation without doubt with supports and I honestly have no clue of the addictive nature of morphine and fentanyl compared to heroine and methadone... but it can be done I am sure. I am less sure it can be done if filled with self loathing that makes you not care about your personal well being. It is a vicious circle if the supports you need to be successful like basic human support and compassion are lacking because of the addiction - you cannot get the needed supports easily as an addict and you cannot fight the addiction easily without them. No news to you - there is no easy fix for you.

    Let me just say I am happy to talk here anytime you like and without judgement and sincerely wish you the best. If you feel able to consider setting some modest goals towards improving your situation I think a few very modest victories may help the self esteem and feeling of powerlessness that you sense now to encourage harder more significant steps. I do not know what goals those might be but I am sure you have a few ideas.....
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    As NYJmpMaster said, I wish I had some sound advice to give, something I could say that would help. One thing I CAN say is that I don't think you're a loser. You've literally been through hell and dealt with more than I can even begin to imagine.

    I'm glad you're talking here, giving us an idea of what you've been through and what's going through your head. Will be here if you ever want to talk.
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you need to add additional therapy/support to your regime...vocational rehabilitation? Group work? Continue your education? Something that will mark a new start...I find that if I look back at all I screwed up I become more paralyzed than I already am...what can you do for the future so that your courage will match your current actions? And as it has been said, thank you so much for posting in such a meaningful manner...it is really appreciated
     
  9. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Thankyou for your supportive replys ...Have just had a few days of heavy drug use and my head is really messed up im scared to be honest .Yes i need to set some modest goals(Stopping taking drugs would be a start) but i just dont have the will to live so it all seems so pointless at the moment. sorry
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't have to apologize! Can you find one thing to hold onto, anything that you're good at or want to live for? Just something that could help give you the strength to keep going, to help you fight to achieve the goals you set for yourself. I know that's not easy when you're really down, because it can feel like there's no hope. But you're stronger than you realize, and you've still got hope. You can get through this, one small step at a time.

    Always here if you need anything.
     
  11. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    ok i went 2 a group for help i hope 2 begin again 2 move forward and make a new start as of tommorow
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2013
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    That's awesome... I know you can get through this!
     
  13. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    shit i just lost my post? what the hell? Man...And i was just in the midst of explaining how my paranoia has got the better of me and everything seems its against me Lol not funny anyhow im just going to have to quarry through cause thats how it feels like cutting through rock....and just start again...So i relapsed as when i was clean my mind went haywire with paranoia and i was feeling extremly unsafe and felt as if something very bad was /is going to happen and felt i was recieving random messages ultimatly suggesting that i end it...Im not going to go into detail cause im sick bearing my soul and feeling even worse for doing so...Maybe im actually learning something...Keep your mouth shut...dont let them know...dont be vulnerable because then they cant hurt me...Its probably not the way forward but i got to try and keep myself safe...But i definetly need help with my mental health of which im in denial about and on some level i think i havent got a problem but then i have a phycotic epeisode or mania and soulcrushing deppresion. So i havent taken my meds for around a week for bi polar and as a result im suffering deeply so ill have to go see the doctors today but im sick of being on them and feel so powerless as if there making things worse...trying to sort this all out feels like some sick itricate cryptic joke....But fuck it im still standing i feel as if im not getting the support i should be getting and feel let down by the health professionals. shit ive just went and spilled the beans again
     
  14. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It does sound like you are getting let down some by the professionals - try to get heard by them to get help and treatment in all the areas so you can have some rest from fighting all by yourself. Thank you for coming here to talk to us and for still finding the time to offer support to others that I noticed- it shows strength and real character.
     
  15. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I went for my appointment and when i got their my care worker said the appointment had been cancelled and i she had left me a message which she had not ```sometimes theses people working in mental health services are more mad than the people they should be helping ...if your as unlucky enought to get a worker like mine... dont know what to do she hasnt given me a follow up appointment and just said she would contact me... I feel so let down by her... not sure what to do...Maybe i should complain...or sue even...i feel grossly neglected
     
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really sorry they let you down. :sad: I definitely think you should complain, and push for a followup appointment! You need and deserve this help, and so it's something you should fight for.
     
  17. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Just wanted to check in and touch base put my cards on the table and connect...I just wanted to express my gratitude for this website and the people who run it... I mean wow wildcherry you blow me away with your dedication and commitment in reaching out to we lost broken souls searching for peace acceptance and understanding....I mean it means so much to me that i finally feel that im being heard which is giving me permission to find my voice that i have so deeply lost in my life...Thankyou for giving me hope when was in the darkest place ever...Im not saying im out of the woods im still in the midst of my nightmare...but im trying and most importantly i know now im not alone we have more simalarities than differences fuck the differences they keep us seperate and sick....when i identify with someones struggle here it makes me feel connected and for that i am grateful
     
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not alone... you have a place here, and your voice will always be heard.
     
  19. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    i regret ever fucking writing this shit I want out... LOL
     
  20. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I find it hard to be vulnerable
     
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