All I can think about is saving up enough money to buy something that would help me end my life. A friend told me that I shouldn't do it, it would hurt people, and there is always a chance it would fail. If I fail, I may well end up braindead. If I succeed, then I will be dead. So either way, I would have no thoughts, no feelings, no more pain. I am told there is nothing wrong with being kind, but there is if it always ends up hurting me. People really like me at first, then they end up disliking me or feeling indifferent about me. This always happens, so no one can say it's not my fault. I didn't have the choice whether or not to be born, but I can choose my death. I can't live the rest of my life alone. I don't want to see if things will change, because they never do. They just get worse. I pray to a god who doesn't listen and just hope it won't always be this bad, but it is always in vain. No matter what, I always end up alone. People think I am putting on a facade, and maybe I am. It is better to pretend to be happy than to be a miserable sod. I can guarantee that no one would want to be my friend if they knew I was really like that. When I let down my defenses, when I feel it is ok to be myself, people get sick of dealing with me. They don't want to deal with my crying, they don't want to hear me bitch about my life. They think I'm not strong enough, maybe I'm not, though I think dealing with three decades of whatever shit life has thrown at me is more than enough. I am hopeless and don't know what to do anymore. If all I am is a burden, maybe the best solution is not being here at all anymore.