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This post may turn out to be a long one..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, May 8, 2008.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I have posted here plenty since I joined up. Each time I have gave more information about my life and my situation.. I dont really want to do this but I feel I must. Im going to put some more tight lipped information about my life and my situation right now in this post. Im doing this because I could really use some insight from other people with mental conditions and it would be great if someone has been or is currently facing a life altering problem like mine. Of course if you did or are you dont have to post your story here but I would like to hear it. So please if you are having a problem in your life like mine and dont want to share in a public post, take the time to send me a pm or a email - I could really use your tips and hear how your story ended. If your in the same situation right now maybe we could be friends and talk about it and help eachother out when we are in the posistion to do so..
    My son just had his third birthday the end of last month. When he was about six months old someone reported me to the local authorities and they came to my house. I was in a sever depression (stemming from my husband cheating on me and also the changes having a child forced on me..on top of my bipolar, I feel I should add). I was handling life okay. My child was clean, fed, and wasnt being abused in any way. My husband was ajusting to not be able to work (spine problem) and was still trying to find ways to cope with the constant pain his condition causes. My depression brought on this terrible lazy spell (which I still havent 100% came out of) and with my husband not able to do much at the time you can imagine that the work was not getting done around the house. The laundery and dishes were the only things getting done on a regular basis (other then us taking baths and such). The local authorites open a case against me, calling it a neglect case, and its still open to this day. Somehow the original worker lied to get ahold of my private health records and found the history of my mental state (two hospital stays, a over dose, anger controll problem, history of drug use, ect) and he started to harrass me over it. Eventually I agreed to treatment to get him off my back which only made things worse. They set up a account to pay for certain services and promised the other services would get paid (which they havent). My case was recently assigned to a new worker (who I HATE). She lied to me her first visit with me. I swear I heard her say it but my husband didnt hear her say it sooo... I asked the main person over my case if what I thought she said was true and of course it wasnt. My imagination or not its formed a lasting ill oppinion of the woman.. Anyways... I recently refused their mental health care services because they werent getting paid and I was getting bills for almost 300 dollars a visit (on top of the fee for medications and gas money to get there) and it was to much for me to handle. I told the woman (which is the nicest name I can call her) that I would go to see a doctor and therapist if I could do it on my own terms without her or her office having access to my personal health information. Of course she said that was not in compliance to her orders..I simply brought up that there is no court order forcing me into compliance (which btw there would be a slim chance of her getting one due to lack of incrimination information in my file) and that if she wanted me to receive the services she would have to agree because it was either my way or no way on this subject. She finally said that it was better then nothing at all. I did give persmission for the case manager at the clinic to call her and let her know I did make it to my appointment and she was not to know anything else. But Im back to my questions again.. My mom (whos a mental health worker and state social worker) says theres a very slim (less then 1% chance) that a judge would sign letting the state authorites have my personal health records from the new clinic. Im still afraid that will happen though. Which leads me to want to lie to my doctor there.. I realise that if I lie I cant be helped.. Like I told another person in a reply post here 'If I dont know whats broke, I cant fix it'..So that boils down to - Dont lie to my doctor because if I she cant fully help me. I want to tell the truth and I know I should tell the truth in order to get the correct help but Im afraid if I do it will be a mistake and I will loose my child.. On the other hand - It might help to tell the truth..They may see Im making an effort and give me some point and cut me some slack (I will give the doctor permission to tell the woman that Im making improvment but no details) and maybe just maybe I can get my life back on track again. I should also mention that the clinic Im set up with I have access to free services according to their indigent care program (Which is good for one year on each application) and I can also get free medications.... So, right now Im trying to get my head perfect straight and make a game plan.. Im sorry if my post is not very clear..Im typing it as I think of it and didnt go back over to re read it.. Please dont give me any hurtful comments.. I know Im worthless and stupid for getting myself into this and I dont need you to remind me..I also dont need to hear how Im a bad parent because Im not.. If you have any real advice (thats not rude, cruel, or mean in any way) please share it with me. If you have the same problem or had the same problem please share your story with me..
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I have not been in your shoes, but the fear has been there for me. I do think yuou need to be honest with your doctor so they can help you in the best ways possible. This could help your situation to change for the better in the long run. It shows you are trying and serious about receiving help. The rules vary from place to place, so I cannot say what the ramifications of your honesty could be. I do hope you can find the answer for what works best for you. Take care. :hug:
  3. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    I don't have exactly the same situation but I do know how my internal feelings translate into my external worlds: ie...when I'm depressed I'm a total slob, when not at least liveable.
    I feel that you may have answered your own question about truth with the doctors and now just have to act on it.
    As for feeling worthless, stupid, bad parent, yadda yadda, please don't. You recognize your problems, came up with an alternative plan and had the moxie to stand up for yourself to the worker. So you're being pushed into a crisis, that has many times been the impetus for change for me. Even when I'm dragged into it ranting and cursing.
    Hope this helps a bit, even knowing that I feel for you.
  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I understand that Im not a bad parent and most days I believe that Im a good mom to my son. I struggle with many conflicts on whats acceptable and whats not. Not all of its caused by my mental condition.. I was raised drastically different from my husband.. I was smacked three times from the time I was born until I moved out at 17 years old. Once for calling my aunt a fat pig, another time for spitting my grandmas face, and a third time for telling my mother I wasnt going to clean up a mess because I didnt make it (she was stressed, had enough, and I guess she just snapped). My husband on the other hand was 'beaten'. If any of his mothers children done something he was beat for it. Yes literally beat: belts, switches, whatever they had handy to hit him with. I dont understand why he loved his mother and how he can possibly miss her now that shes gone.. Anyways.. Growing up bascially doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted I now know the benefit of a little structure and punishment. My husband feels that smacking a child to the extent of injury and frequently (like he was done as a child) is wrong and he doesnt like the idea of spanking at all but he cant help himself sometimes.. I will admit he has a bit of a anger problem :( He doesnt hurt us or anything but I get awful upset listening to him cuss, yell, and throw things when he gets into one of his moods.... I dont think that makes him a bad person, a bad husband, or a bad parent..I do think he needs to work on it though and not just because I want him to but because he would feel much better if he found a good outlet for his anger other then yelling at me and making me cry.....My doctors appointment is next week, on Friday. In a way Im looking forward to it. Im not 100% against the idea of medication like I was a short time ago. Its about 80 % against now. I dont like the idea of the illnesses the medication can cause and the list of other possible side effects are very scary.. I have to be honest though.. Worst side effects I have ever got from the medication: passing out, throwing up most of the day, sleeping to much or to little, gaining weight, allergic reactions (hives, swelling, red rash that itched and burnt..Throat swelling/drying out/getting very sore, lips drying/cracking/bleeding, thins like that). So I guess I tolerate the medications better then a lot of people..
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