this probably seems stupid

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by no-life, Jan 8, 2015.

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  1. no-life

    no-life Member

    I'm on antidepressants.
    I've had minor suicidal thoughts in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember.
    I regret basically everything I can remember from my childhood.
    I’m probably going to fail my university course because some of the lecturers know less about the subjects they’re teaching than I did when I was 12.
    I can’t find any news that isn’t either terrorism, counter-terrorism, or celebrity bullshit.
    Almost everyone who I consider(ed) friends or looked up to in any way are all either seriously stressed and depressed or turning out to be horrible people. At least one has fallen in with GamerGate, which is one of the aforementioned terrorist groups (no I'm serious).
    Even a couple of my best friends irl have recently talked about suicide. I feel like if one of us goes, we'll take each other down too.
    I spend pretty much all of my time now trying to do uni work and failing, or reading a friend's website, playing some old puzzle games on my laptop, listening to crappy music, or drinking.
    I am worthless, there is barely any good in the world, and humanity has no hope of ever being anything but stupid and hateful.
  2. no-life

    no-life Member

    Stuff I forgot in the first post (can't seem to edit it, is that how this site is supposed to work?)
    I have several mental disorders, including asperger's syndrome, extreme anxiety (causes nervousness to the point that I sometimes find it hard to even roll myself a cigarette because my hands are shaking so much), insomnia, and over recent years, "minor" gender dysphoria.
    My "best friends irl" are my only friends. The rest are just acquaintances or people on the internet who probably don't even remember me.
    If you need drug specifics, it's atomoxetine, fluoxetine, and melatonin for the insomnia. They don't seem to do much, I've tried going off them all individually, and the only difference is that without the atomoxetine, I'm more outwardly irritable, but that could just be a withdrawal thing.
    I cut myself once. That was a mistake. It didn't make me feel any better, and now I have scars.
    I'm also pretty sure that my stepfather is psychologically abusing my mother, so that's great.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2015
  3. no-life

    no-life Member

    While I was in the car on the way to uni just now, a song called "Rooftop" was playing, I think it was by Stereophonics. As a child I had an intense fear of heights, but now that song is really calling out to me.
  4. no-life

    no-life Member

    I guess that since nobody's responding, that means I should just go ahead and do it.
  5. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    I'm listening. All the replies make it seem like yours was responded by someone. You were talking about a university do you have a field of study your really interested in? It seemed like you learn about real world events. I can understand why you would feel the wold is filled with horrible people. I'm here to say if you believe the world has no hope and will always be the way it is, then it will be. If everyone gives up hope any hope their actually was is surely gone. Perhaps you need to change a few things. I know change may not be easy but I think it could help. You might want to try exercise. Just try jogging for half an hour a day. If you can maybe think about breaking the nicotine habit. Every has something they regret in life. Look at yourself now. There's no reason to think about things you regret all the time, there's nothing you can do about them.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I too am listening. And yes, you can only edit your post for up to an hour after posting. Your problems don't seem stupid at all but I would definitely advise against drink alcohol while taking anti depressants, the combination could very well be making you feel worse. With some of your friends IRL being suicidal too, maybe ye should help and support each other, be there for each other. I think you should keep taking your medications until you see your doctor and be re-assessed.

    We care here, we might not always know what to say, or say the right thing but we care :hug:
  7. no-life

    no-life Member

    Ok, thanks. I've really been trying to kick the habits, but it's proving hard. My friends and I have been trying to support eachother, but we usually just end up wallowing in pity together instead. I've actually spoken to a therapist since I made the last post, and I now have an idea of how to help myself and my friends. I'll report on my progress in a few weeks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2015
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again!

    That's awesome that you have a therapist now ( I had great results from therapy) be completely honest with them, if you cannot say something then write it down. You are definitely on the right road to recovery, best of luck!! and please update when you feel up to it :)
  9. no-life

    no-life Member

    Things are looking up. My friends and I just managed to scrape passes on our uni assignments. We all got together and worked every day for a week. During all that I've managed to start weaning myself off the drinking, smoking, and antidepressants. I'm planning on moving into a student flat next year, and I've been talking to my therapist and my GP about hormone therapy.

    I feel like I'm finally seeing the light at the end of a lifelong tunnel, and it's happened so fast. Only 11 days ago I was suicidal, and now everything's going ok.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2015
  10. akb62

    akb62 New Member

    Hi im new here so i dont know much but i just read your post. I just joined today because i was feeling extremely depressed and for reasons that i thought were stupid but are quite similar to yours. Im glad things are working out for you! My situation is very similar to yours and im in uni too. Ah, i hope it gets better.
  11. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Dear no-life,

    I am glad that you are feeling much better now!

    I just wanted to drop by and comment on your initial statement:

    "I feel like if one of us goes, we'll take each other down too."

    I found it kinda ironic because i have the OPPOSITE situation, wherein i am the only one in my immediate vicinity who is HAVING suicidal thoughts, and that makes me feel WORSE cuz i am thinking ........."goddamn, am i that much of a weakling??"

    Anyways, again.....i am very glad u are ok.

    Good Luck !
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