this shit is crazy

I'm retarded. When I write something, and it doesn't look right to me, I erase it, and make another mark, and erase it again, so I erase some stuff two times in total, I do this on tests, it takes up most of my time and I don't end up finishing the test, get an F, screw the teachers. I used to flick lights on and off following a "12...4...2...12...4...2" ritual but now it's brushing my hair on all sides exactly four times and it has to be four times I think I'm crazy?

And in public I try to avoid reflective surfaces or looking in the mirrors ugh I just can't look at myself anymore I might give myself a heart attack if I do haha? And I ate jack in the box that my sister bought today and I swear to god I'm never gonna eat again I don't deserve to eat anyway and I need to lose weight, especially around my face, and now my stomach hurts and now I'm 110 I used to be 108 fuck fast food america.

And now my fuckin arms are covered in cuts and the teachers always makes these wisecrack remarks about how its over 80 degrees and isn't it weird how some people have sweaters on? Well, do you really wanna see them, you fuckin moron?

Four Fs, Two Ds, at this rate I will need to repeat another year, counselor called me in, talked about grades, I hid my progress report card and lied about skipping school. So basically it's too late. Basically I don't have a future.

Now my dad wants me to work at his store fridays and saturdays and I say sure, I don't ever do my homework anyways, haha, I won't be around much longer anyway, dad, but how do I tell him that? I don't think anyone will understand.

I can't even stop my own thoughts it's like riding a fuckin ferris wheel that goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

I don't believe anyone can help me, honestly help me, I just want someone to listen to me for once. I wish someone would just take the time to sit and listen to me without judging me. I know you hate me but just listen to me first, please.

 

Hey...

About the first thing... I am no doctor or psychologist, but I've heard that people under high amounts of stress can exibit mild symptoms that might resemble something like OCD. I'm not saying you have that disease, but it could be that its the stress in your life thats causing that. I'm not going to sit here and tell you to chill out, but it could be the problem.

I am assuming you are in highschool. If the counsellor is talking to you about your grades, it can't be too late to turn things around. I don't know how your grade system works where you live, but where I went to HS, if a student REALLY wanted to pass, you could talk to a teacher and arrange something to show that you wanted to succeed in the course. It might have required something like retaking some tests, extra homework or projects etc. Might be a lot of work, but it would be worth it.

On the other hand, if you do end up having to take another year of HS, its not the end of the world. I had to take another year myself. I just took it as an extra year to prepare myself for life after highschool. Not that I was proud of it or would recommend it, but don't think that life is over because you failed a few classes. Shit happens.

I also know what you mean about the "ferris wheel mind" thing. Sometimes there is just too much shit going on. Also, when something goes bad, it just makes ya feel worse which makes other things worse and so on. Sometimes life sucks flat out sucks, but you have to deal with it.

I don't really know what to say about the cutting thing. I've never really felt the urge to do that myself, but I know a lot of people here have. I hope someone can talk to you about that. It's really not a good thing, and doesn't help you. It might feel better at first, but its just making things worse.

If you want, you can send me a PM. I'll be willing to talk to you if you really want to. Although, I don't know if talking to another deranged person will help you much. :tongue:

 

Sounds like you have OCD.Check out stuckinadoorway.org.A great site for OCD sufferers.Good luck!

 

No you are not crazy at all. In fact you are NOWHERE near crazy, I am assuming also that you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My mother has it and I have tendencies of the sypyems when I get overly stressed. No everyone are obsessing and being compulsive about the samethings but it doesn't mean the person doesn't have it. My mother has it and she will put her make-up on then take it off then put it back on, she will wash her hands in hot water for 3-4 minutes, she checs all the doors at night atleast 3 times a peice....and cleaning OMG.......if there was one glass in the sink it makes you filthy lol.


But you aren't crazy. I am sorry mental illness is something that is very hard and challenging to deal with it's a daily battle it's just after you learn better ways of coping with things and get a little better over time it gets easier if you stay ontrack..it gets almost rutine..I have seen people like that.



You take care of yourself, I know you are having a really hard time dealing with a lot of things and I am so sorry I can't work your recovery for you, sometimes I wish someone couls for me, but oh well....but you can do it, if you can live like this then you can learn how to cope and live in a easier world.



I am here if you want to talk hun......:hug: :hug:



~:hug:,
Carolyn~

 

Ok, well I can listen to you and I will try to make my responses non-judgmental.

So first off with the test taking and paper writing thing. I used to have the same problem a paper was never good enough for me... NEVER. This was causing me a lot of stress... So one day I wrote the paper and said THAT IS IT!!! NO MORE!! and I put the paper in a folder never to be seen again, until I turned it in. Same with tests I said, "This is the right answer" and I moved along. And if and ONLY if I had time did I come back to them. It is incredibly hard but after a while it gets to being easy.

As for your weight..... well there is a degree of being healthy and unhealthy... this rides on your gender of course.... I don't know what else to say.

As for working well make sure your dad pays you. Money is always a nice thing to have since it buys material distractions.

I don't know what else to say, judgment is a part of human thought. It is hard for anyone to not judge anyone. If you don't want judgment then you really cannot ask for help. You can talk at a person but that is it. Mainly because all of our beliefs and ideas can come across as judgment.

Anyway, I am more than willing to advise you on stuff if you want to talk.

 

Thanks everyone for replying. I wish I can PM you but that's under moderation too so I can't read or even send private messages anymore...

But yeah I'm just going to live on like I am living now and just suck it up. Trying to be mature, I'm trying to change some things about myself that needs changing.