this site seems like a step in the right direction

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by qteallex, Feb 21, 2015.

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  1. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    hey, I'm a 19 year old A level student and I've been thinking about suicide as my future for 5 or 6 years now. I think fairly often that I wish I didn't exist or that I were gone and it comes from this kind of, uh, apathy I guess? it feels a lot like laziness I'll go ahead and call it apathy. I just don't give a shit about getting up and going to college or the future or the hobbies I used to have, people I used to like, etc so I'll just lay in bed and read fanfic on my phone or have my laptop in bed and be on the web.

    and, like, that's one part of my behaviour. but at college I end up acting out - I'm too loud can't seem to use an inside voice, I joke with my friends constantly, laughing at everything and too loud and too hard and so much I get scolded. it feels like having fun at the time, like being drunk or something - buzzed - and then when I get home I crash out again and I'm exhausted, guilty for how impulsive and loud I was, thinking my friends must hate how loud and obnoxious I can be. and I really can't seem to control it.

    it's kinda... confusing, disorientating to do that every college day because it really is like being drunk then hungover so I struggle to remember things and read and keep track of time and stuff. idk what you'd call it but it's relevant to the cycles of suicidal thoughts I get in a day. while I'm at college in that mindset I don't get suicidal thoughts but at home and oftentimes on the journey to/from college they come back to me. thoughts like the future doesn't matter because I will be dead by then, or I wish I could disappear, or that I hate myself and don't want to be this loser anymore, and planning what method I would use (when I think about it, it's will use) -

    so yeah, that's me. I've never looked for any help beyond googling "I feel suicidal" once or twice so I don't know how committed I can be to the whole getting better and receiving support thing but making an account and saying hi are positive steps I think. :cupcake:
  2. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Hi qteallex;

    I think you've made a great step joining this site! I only joined recently and have found it really helpful to have contact with people who are experiencing similar problems and share a bit of the journey.

    I think it would be really good to reach out to some of the people around you in your life, too, if you can, and let them know how you are feeling.

    I can relate to the feeling of dislocation you describe between when you are in company and when you are on your own. I have really worried that I can't seem to make any connection between the public me and the feelings of despair and suicidal thinking. It's amazing how strong that separation can be, and that I can't seem to carry a decision to change my behaviours over from one part of my life to another. But my therapist tells me that this is part of depression.

    Have you talked to your doctor at all about how you are feeling? You are young and doing well at college, so I think it would be good to get some sort of help - counselling, medication... whatever is right for you - to help get a grip on what is happening for you and stay on the great path you have set up for yourself. There are heaps of good treatment options, depending on what is going on. Your doctor should be able to help understand what that might be, depression, PTSD, etc., and help set you on a path to recovery.

    I hope you find some good support and help, here and in the "real world".

  3. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    thanks for replying, JayBird - glad to hear the site is helping you !

    I have one friend who I was considering reaching out to but they're going through a rough time of their own right now so I'm waiting for the right time

    aaah, yeah it's like being spun around and you end up feeling all wonky - I'm glad to hear it's not just me (and glad to hear your therapist is helping you too <3)

    I'm too scared to go to the doctor at the moment, but it's something I want to work up to doing - this stuff is common enough that they've probably heard it before and know what to do/ where to send me but, yeah, I'm too nervous to do so right now. I went/ was taken to the doctors years ago because of physical anxiety symptoms and he practically brushed me off and told me to go to the school counsellor, which I never did. the GPs around here can be really bad for rushing you and not giving you much of a chance to explain yourself and what you're there for and I'm not great at making myself understood so I'm going to take my time and try and feel a bit more together before I go, or at least find a friend to go with me.

    thanks and stay safe ! <3
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome. Joining here sure is a step in the right direction. Keep trying to work up the courage to see your local doctor, they can refer you to counselling and/or a psychiatrist.It seems scary at first but you have to keep in mind that they hear it all the time. It gets much easier as time goes on. You just have to bite the bullet.

    I wish you the best of luck.
  5. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    thanks! this site will help me do it, seeing other people who have done it makes me feel braver vicariously - I've been putting it off for so long when it's done I'm sure it will be a relief

    thanks and best wishes <3
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are no longer alone in suffering and life is important. I can sympathize that the way you feel but you among folk who understand what you are going through. The first thing positive you did was joining this site. It will be help but you need to speak to someone about your feelings. Yes, you are at a low point in your life but can get through it. Speak to your doctor about your feelings. You are important and just think someone, somewhere understands what you are going through. Be safe please as we can help you get through this difficult phase.
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