Hello everyone, I'm new here, and Im not sure I want to be active in this community. I just want to get everything off my chest, I hope this helps me out. This is long, sorry. I just want to start off by saying that I would NEVER kill myself, but I have been having terrible thoughts lately about doing so. I come up with plans, and sometimes I take comfort in these plans. I don't know what to do. I do not want to speak to a therapist or anything, and quite frankly I do not have the time. I am constantly busy, and when I have an afternoon off, I flip out. The last time I had off I rearranged my place and went "grocery" shopping for food I have yet to eat (this was like 2 weeks ago). I won't ever let myself relax, unless I have something to relax with. I have a slight problem with alcohol, when I drink I don't worry anymore. Its nice just to let everything go, not to have any concerns. I cannot drink without getting trashed, my Dad was an alcoholic and I fear I may be on the same path. I feel like such a hypocrit though, during the day I am perfect. I get excellent grades (I literally panic if I get a B, or in some cases a low A), I work hard and represent my school everyday, and I work with children in a developmental psychology research lab. At night ( the nights I don't work) I fall apart. I have these rules for myself, and if I do not follow them I have a way to punish myself. It seems so stupid to put it in writing but it has worked. I am on spring break now, and came home today. I can not stand it, I have nothing to do for a week. I am meeting up with friends a few times, but I hate not having anything to do. I have a few papers I figured I could write, so I guess I will do that. Today I have thought alot about killing myself, I think it was because I suddenly have time to think. I hate it. I would never kill myself. I know how it affects people. I had a friend who killed himself when I was in high school. He was a pussy, a wimp. He had to take the easy way out. To this day I have no idea why he did it, he was always so happy and funny, so many people loved him. I guess I could say the same about myself though. When my friends sat me down to tell me, I walked out of school. I couldn't face anybody. I just walked to a local restaurant where we would go to eat alot. Finally I went back, but I refused to talk about him, he was gone, why bother? I avoided his funeral, or acknowledging his existence in any way. On day it caught up to me and it hurt like hell. I was so angry at him, how could he be so selfish? Anway, I'm over that. But my mother also had an impact on me. She used to be very depressed. Whenever she would get mad, she would come to me. I heard about everything, from how much she hated her mothr to how her and my Dad's sex life was suffering (I was young, to young to hear about her shit). She used to take alot of her anger out on me, it always hurt that she would come after me and my sister has never even received so much as a spanking. I remember lockign myself in the bathroom and refusing to cry. I would just sit there and try to numb myself to her. I had to be perfect for her. I had to be front and center in my dance routine, if not it was obviously my fault. I had to get excellent grades, it was the only way to be happy. I always felt bad that my sister had to watch and I would try and protect her, but at the same time I was envious. My mom used to claim that she would kill herself all the time. One time, she left and I was so worried I might not see her again. My sister was so scared also, I had to be strong. I never told anyone, until one night when I got really trashed. I hated myself in the morning for telling her everything, even if it was my best friend. My Mom is better now, she got help, she takes meds, ever since it has been like it had never happened. I have amaxzing friends, I don't deserve them. They are incredible. Sometimes (like when they cut me off) I hate them, but I know they know whats best. It so weird because I used to be fine, better thasn all of this shit, and now it feels like I might fall apart. I keep trying to forget about everything. It isn't working. I don't know what to do. . .