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This sucks

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Well-Known Member
I've been on anti-depressants for about two months now. They have helped me, in that I'm not desperately suicidal and self-destructive anymore. I still think about killing myself, sometimes just as a random thought and then it's over, other times I seriously contemplate it, but it's not like before when my mind was completely occupied with suicide and I was afraid to be alone in case I tried to kill myself. I used to feel like I was crazy, and now I'm just really depressed.

I've been really tired and lacking energy, nothing that used to be fun is anymore, everything that used to make me happy doesn't anymore, I've only been eating usually once a day, just because I know I need to at least have a little bit of food. I've been lacking motivation, I feel like it's hard to do simple everyday things, like getting out of bed in a timely fashion or at all, doing laundry (I keep wearing the same 5 or so pairs of sweatpants all the time, and crummy t-shirts covered by hoodies), I'm pretty sure that if I had to actually cook food for myself (vs heating up a frozen dinner or making ramen) I wouldn't eat at all, and I've even been showering less, I showered today for the first time since Wednesday morning.

I don't really like to be around people anymore. I've been tending to avoid everyone, including my "friends" and my roommates. Sometimes I get a little lonely, not all the time, mostly when I'm crying and really upset, I feel like I just need a hug or I need someone to just sit with me so I don't do something stupid. I've had to see some of my "friends" recently. It was really hard, I almost cried, I didn't want to talk to any of them, I just wanted to get done what I needed to do and leave.

It kind of feels like I don't have friends anymore, this is the worst part of all of this crap. Seeing them used to make me happy, and I used to enjoy being around them. But now when I'm around them, I just still feel alone, and I feel really out of place. I feel like I have no connection to them, like I've never been around them before or shared experiences with any of them. It's like they are just some random people I happened to encounter that I will never see again. Even when one of them contacts me, to ask me a question or try to make plans, I feel like they're not being genuine and I can't take them seriously, even if they say they want to see me, because somehow in my mind, it's like we were never friends, we never had any kind of relationship, so why the hell would any of them try to start one now?

So now I guess I just feel kind of stuck. When I'm alone and upset, I wish I had friends to talk to, but when I'm actually with my "friends", I still feel alone and like I don"t have, and never had, any friends. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way about the people they used to hang out with?

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Yes i feel that way i feel so alone even with family around friends around
I do hope you can talk to your doctor soon okay meds may need to be tweaked a bit or an add on such as abilify can help hun Just talk to you doc okay keep letting him or her know what is happening with the meds your on hugs to you.
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