This Sunday

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 14, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I cant do this anymore...

    My life is nothing but a wasted life in this stupid World...

    I dont see why i am still trying to make things right when i ought to know damn well i cant do it... I have no contact info with someone i dearly love and i have tried to stay alive long enough to let them know just how much i care but that is so dumb of me...

    The reason its dumb is that they just dont care at all for me... They are suppose to , if they are true christians , yet they dont..

    Im tired .. im tired of fighting this stupid cancer- which i can not win.. im tired of staying alive just to see or even have that little bit of hope that i can see them one last time... it will never happen.. my mind will never be put at ease no matter how long i try to stay here..

    it was a wish on my part that will not ever be granted so theres no use in even trying anymore... that was my only hope anyhow but that is now gone..

    im sorry i am so sorry but i cant do this anymore... i just cant.. if you dont think i can actually do it then all the more better... you will just see me or learn of my death...

    i tried and i waited long enough... you dont care.. you call yourself a minister and your wife a christian , yet you really dont give a damn what happens to me then why should i even care about myself.. i am just nothing.. i cant even do anything right anymore... i cant even get your forgiveness so what good am i??

    im dying anyway... God is taking me away anyhow so why try to fight it...? i love you.. i loved you both as dream parents.. as friends . as brother and sister in christ , but i am nothing to you.. youi dont care.. never did...

    sorry but i cant go on.. i just cant... i am not going to stay here and try and fuight a cancer i can not win.. i cant beat it.. if you dont care for me or even want to just be my friend or heck even forgive me but if you cant then i dont deserve to be here... I am nothing. i never was nothing..

    all those times you both said you loved me... you didnt mean it.. if you had really meant it then you would have accepted all i have done and tried to do to gain your forgiveness.. I know you come here.. i know youve read the things ive posted , yet you still ignore me because you simply dont care.. Well i know the facts now.. i know the truth now.. and i know i deserve to not even be here.. i am sorry.. i honestly am sorry...
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well dont worry about it cause i will..

    i have the guts to.. i have the stuff i need... i have tried it 3 times in the past..

    i will do it... you can bet on it..

    and I AM NOT A ******... I AM A FEMALE
  3. awi

    awi New Member

    White Dove,
    I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I am new to this site and you are a senior member. You have been around a while, or have written a ton of posts. Anyway. Just wanted to tell you I have felt like you many, many times. I also have cancer. I am in an impossible situation at home. Just right on the edge. But there are those moments just from time to time that make me feel there is some hope. Just a bit of kindness from one person, a brief smile, thank you, a kind look can be enough to keep me going a bit longer. I understand one wanting to have control in life. Of life. Like just everything happens to me and ending it would be me deciding. But you know also I have come this far. Why should I give up what is left of me. Everything I have been through can't be for nothing.
    You White Dove are a valuable person. You are worth it. I am happy to have read your post. Even to meet you for a brief moment of my life. It is not our fault we have these feelings. Just want you to know I care, even though I have never seen you and we have never met. Your post speaks volumes.
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    WD,Please ignore what that idiot said don't do anything please I will miss you sweety please don't.:sad:
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Ace hon , im sorry....

    But you must need to understand that i had only one hope to try and fight it... but you know what? it was a foolish hope.. a dumb stupid , foolish hope or wish or whatever you want to call it... there is 2 people who really meant the world to me.. they really did... but i now believe that they are so in love with themselves that they just dont give a damn about anyone else or their feelings...

    they dont give a damn about me.. they never did and you know what? i was stupid.. thats what it was.. so freeking stupid.... the only reason i was trying to fight this stupid cancer was a hope or wish that one day before i get way too bad off that i could at least give the two people i love a hug and let them know just how bad i feel inside for the hurt that was caused them...

    i dont know everything that happened but i needed to put my mind at ease at least , however they really dont care how bad i am hurting.. Not knowing has been one hurt upon another on me.. i cant put my mind at ease and be at peace so i might as well get it over with..

    i have given them plenty of chances.. they know how to contact me but i dont know how to contact them... they could have called or come by at least but they choose not to cause they think i am a stupid person.. they think i dont have true feelings.. perhaps their thinking is that i want attention or something stupid like that.. they dont know the true pain i am in or the true physical pain i am in.. they have been here and they have read the things i posted but you know what? it doesnt effect them at all cause i now truly believe they are truly cold and heartless.

    You want to know how i know they come on here as a guest? and perhaps they may have registered?? but you want to know how i know it? They have a tracker on my computer.. i have known about this for such a long time yet they think im stupid or in this case a dumb blond , oh wait a minute i cant say dumb blond without the ministers wife saying im ignorant ( which she told me before that i couldnt blame it on my ignorance and had dumb blond quoted in parafences ) they know every web site i visit...

    well guess what? i give them one week... and one week only... yes i give them an ultimatium.. right here , right now... if you love me and i mean truly love me like a christian should then you will contact me and let me know that you want me to stay and fight this cancer...


    If no contact is made then guess what? i have the balls and the guts to do it with just like before but guess what else , this time i have no fear and nothing to stop me because i got nothing to lose or live for... You thought it was a joke last time. but you found out just how much i meant it .. well this time there will be no saving me..

    so tell me ? how much do you really love me? deep down in your heart , do you even care? Do you even have Gods love inside you?

    i dont expect a miracle.. and i sure as hell dont expect you to contact me so basically i am gone in 1 week... sorry guys but i just cant hold on or have a hope of something that just wont come true or of someone whom i know deep down in my heart really dont give a damn about me,...
  6. Ghosty

    Ghosty New Member

    Killing yourself won't solve anything but pain for your family and friends. Yes, your parents may not care for you now, as you think, but deep down I'm sure they do. And as I say a lot, there is that chance you can get through this.

    Basically what I'm saying is, that if you do this, you will never see any of your friends in this life ever again.

    And We have never even met, right? But I still don't want to see this happen to anybody. So think it over a few times more, and then decide what you want to do. I just hope you do what you think will be right for everybody.

    As far as I can see, nobody wants you to do this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2007
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well ghosty i dont have any parents and i am battling two illnesses at once..
    one is a cancer that will take my life in a few short months basically a physical pain

    and then a emotional pain that leaves me hopless..
  8. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    having cancer is a tough position. my friend's mother had cancer but won the battle. she was bald during her fight. another friend at work got tired of fighting and passed away naturally. i can't answer the question of suicide for you. you have to make that decision. don't let anyone have control over your well being. no human should have control over another person's mood.
    good luck,
  9. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i seen my mom go through it.. my mom was 48 when she passed away.. she had stomach cancer.. i have liver cancer that has spread to many other parts...

    i held her hand many nights and see her suffer. i just cant do that.. i just cant bear to go through that much pain when really no one would actually be there to help me go through it...

    you understand what im getting at?

    i just wanted , well actually needed to ease my mind but looks like i will die with a troubled mind and not in peace or at rest...
  10. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    The medications you are currently taking for pain management are not the best available. The expert pain control (palliative care) and one-on-one emotional support now available with hospice care is an option that is currently available to you. Many hospices (if not most) have a website on the Internet so that you can find more information about a local hospice by a simple Google search.

    If you choose suicide, you will be dying alone both physically and emotionally. With hospice care, you will always have someone for both physical and emotional support and the
    advantage of having the strongest pain killers available.

    For some more info on pain control:

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2007
  11. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the link...

    I have to wait until i go back to my family doctor till i can see if i can get on any pain releaf meds... but right now the bud lights and 800 mg of ibuprophen seem to help somewhat at keeping my pain down...

    I know i can get 10 hours of sleep after drinking and still want to sleep.. yesterday i drank buds all day long and took pain pills and stayed in bed most the time except for getting up to puke and all... I am getting more weaker and can hardly do things , heck , cant even sweep my own floor at my home... Guess i might as well give up on this cancer cause its going to win no matter what i do.. it is already making me weaker..

    my poor brother tonight had to go to the emergency room.. he was trying to move a cherry picker ( the thing that pulls motors from cars ) off his pick up truck and dropped it on his foot.. now he is out of work for 3 days and is on crutches....

    but thanks a bunch for the link and i will check into it and with my doc...
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    im sorry i did not get a chance to reply to you earlier but i did not see this post..

    can i ask you what type of cancer you have and what meds you are taking for pain? you can pm me the answers if you dont mind me asking?

    This pain is really hurting me tonight and i dont know if i can go on.. i cant take this pain. i have never in my life felt any hard pain like this. it has me in tears as i write this and i dont think i can go on much longer with this pain.. It hurts so bad that i cant explain it and now all i want to do is take a bunch of pills and go to sleep to get out of this stupid pain.. i cant handel this, i honestly cant handel it nor do i think i can ever handel this much pain.. Why does it have to hurt so much? Why couldnt it just be an easy pain like a cut on your finger instead it is this hard wrenching pain that i have never felt before in my life and if its gonna get worser then how can i handel it? I dont think i can.. i Honestly to God dont think i can..

    I cant pretend its not there, i cant pretend it doesnt hurt.. heck its getting me down , really getting me down. i dont even know if hospice will even take me as a patient cause i have no insurance and diffently no income for it.. maybe i ought to just let it go , just let my life go... i cant fight this , i cant stop this pain, both pains is too much , just too much , im sorry , im so sorry...
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.