This terrible weight...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by imaginarybird, Feb 20, 2011.

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  1. imaginarybird

    imaginarybird Member

    It's so hard. It seems like a stupid, redundant thing to say but there it is. My therapist says that mostly all I can do is wait until we find the right combination/balance of medication and then we can work on everything else. (I don't have any contributing factors that we can find, just the whole chemical imbalance thing, but being depressed for so long has messed with me as it is) I just don't know that I can wait that long.

    I'm so lonely. I never had a ton of friends, but now I only have one, and even with her it feels like I'm not a friend I'm just someone who on occasion she can put up with talking to. I know that it's probably not true--that not everyone has such a pathetic, boring life as mine--and that I shouldn't begrudge her being happy, having friends, having an actual life but I can't help it. It hurts that I used to be able to talk to her and now I can barely get a response.

    I can't get out of my own head and I feel like it's crushing me.
  2. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    I cant sypathise with you more. I have no reason for being depressed, eds have never worked for me so im going through various therapies which takes soooooooo long and people often dont grasp how insanely difficult it is to get through a single day and wake up the next still alive.
    Keep in contact with your friend. I know it feels like your burdening her and want to tell her all your bad feelings and need her close by and stuff but thats good. its a good thing that your reaching out when you need to. dont stop doing that just because you think your friend is fed up of it.
    Does she know your suicidal? Have you spoke to her about it?
    I recently spoke to my friend about just how bad i was feeling and my friend kept saying how they are always here to tlk even if they cant help. they could never forgive themselves if i did anything.
    It doesnt change things greatly but knowing that they kinda need me around and dont want me to die gives me the confidence to talk to them about the crap over and over even when i feel im burdening them. Its not very nice but atleast i know im doing both what helps me and what helps my friend.
    Hopefully you can gain this with your friend or other friends or us on here. Because your never alone, this site itself proves that. There are so many people in the world feeling like you right now. Talking with people who are in similar mind-sets and stuff may help you realise your not alone and help give you the strength to get through that next day..
  3. imaginarybird

    imaginarybird Member

    She's aware of a lot of what I'm going through. A lot of the time if I'm really down and none of my usual distractions are working I try to write it out to send to her (she's at a different college than I am). I guess the hardest part for me is when I don't get any response at all. I would at least feel like she heard me if she wrote back saying "I don't know exactly how I can help but I will always be there for you, I need you here, etc..." but lately she hasn't replied and I'm kind of worried that I scared her off, despite knowing how irrational a thought that is. I guess I'm just struggling more with it because I feel like without her I don't have any real friends at all.
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