This time feels different

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PerfectlyImperfect, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. Hi, I just needed somewhere anonymous to get this out. I'm a member of various support forums, but I'm afraid to say too much, because there are people who know me in real life and might contact someone.

    Being suicidal isn't a new thing for me. I've been self harming for 10 years, and have had intermittent suicidal thoughts during that time. I have actually come close to killing myself before, both accidentally and intentionally. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 7 years, as well as other mental health professionals, and I've been hospitalised several times for self harm and suicide attempts.

    I always tried to convince myself that I was unimportant, that I didn't matter to others. This made it easier to contemplate suicide. I always thought that if I could believe people cared, then I'd feel better. I was wrong. I've come to accept that others do care about me, that they would be devastated if I killed myself. Yet somehow I feel just as bad as ever.

    I have no major reasons for wanting to kill myself. Most of my life is pretty great, I'm lucky. I just feel this overwhelming sense of hopelessness, an all-consuming loneliness that can't be fixed regardless of how much time I spend with others, and increasing anxiety about the future. I'm not depressed, I still enjoy things as much as I ever did.

    The things I do are destroying my life, yet I can't stop them. I don't even want to stop them, that's the trouble. So I'm trapped. If I don't want help, then nobody can help, right?

    Like I said, I've been suicidal before, but this time feels different. In the past I've always told someone how I was feeling, even if I didn't go into details. This time, nobody knows I'm suicidal. Also most of my attempts in the past were desperate impulsive acts that weren't even guaranteed to work. This time I've researched it, I know what I'm planning to do, and I'm almost certain it will work. All I'm waiting for is the time when I have enough money to purchase what I need, probably 2 or 3 weeks away.

    I am scared. The idea of dying terrifies me, but not as much as the idea of continuing to live. Part of me is conflicted, but I feel like this is something I have to do.
  2. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    You just echoed my head. It's almost relieving to know I'm not the only one. I always thought it was trust or attachment issues for me. And if I could finally feel love... real love, it would change everything. But I am loved. I have incredible and supportive friends who love me... and are scared for me after I gave voice to these feelings over a month ago. And still, these thoughts remain. Everyday. All day. Bought what I needed, now I'm just waiting. For that final push. I've been blessed.

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, and yet I'm so glad you are here. I feel less crazy for the moment. So thank you for that.
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    I can relate somewhat to both of you's emotions....I know you are dealing with so much suffering, and I am sorry too that you all are feeling this way...maybe letting a hospital ensure your safety is something both of you can consider...I know this may not be your first time in a hospital, but at the very least it will surround you with people who will try to provide support until you are feeling safe again...please take care and know we are here to listen whenever things are getting worse. :hug:

  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    One of the main things that has kept me alive is different things i have read or heard over the decades. I have heard and read that often when people commit suicide and they leave their body, they can finally see the larger picture of the life. once they see, they want to get back into their human form. They have very deep regret. But there is no way to get back. Its, of course irrevocable. Their body is no longer viable to hold human life. I also have heard and read..... and heard again that as souls we get to try again if we end our life too soon. I dont want to come back and try again. I want to wait it out. So I dont have to do it again. I know that my spiritual thoughts sound odd to some people. They are not based on any religion. Just generic in nature. Its a huge part of what has kept me alive. So I thought I would pass it along. Might sound completely crazy to you.

    I am glad you both joined sf. Its a wonderful and safe place. Its my favorite support website.... by far. Edited in: ps, this was written while speedy was responding. Hi speedy <3
  5. I'm actually in hospital at the moment, having almost killed myself 2 months ago (not a suicide attempt). Hospital doesn't help how I'm feeling, and telling someone isn't going to change anything.

    I can't even let on that I'm not doing great, because that will put a stop to the huge amounts of leave I've been getting, and stop my discharge (which will hopefully be soon). I've spent the past 6 years in and out of hospital, often for long periods of time, and each time leaves me feeling worse.

    I just can't do this any more. Living is too painful, too overwhelming. I feel so empty inside, like there's a black hole swallowing me up.

    I do appreciate your messages of support, even though I'm still planning to do this. They make me feel less alone, just for a moment.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

  7. I saw my therapist today. I hinted at what I'm planning, but couldn't tell her outright, as I knew she'd have to inform someone else.

    She gave me an appointment for 2 weeks time. I have to wonder if I'll still be alive by then.
  8. I'm ordering the things I need on Wednesday, will hopefully have them at some point next week.

    Everyone's telling me how great I'm doing and how happy I seem. I know I should be honest about how things really are, but I just can't.

    I'm hoping to get one last chance to see my best friend. She lives on the other side of the country. There's a possibility that I'll get to visit her next week. If not, I'll write her a letter, and either send it to her when it's too late for her to intervene, or leave it in my apartment for someone to give her after they find me.
  9. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand that it is incredibly difficult for you right now to withstand the thought of suicide...I wish I knew what we could do so that you would be willing to tell someone the truth. If you think of anything we can do, please let us know how we can further support you through your crisis situation. Until then, take care, and I send you much caring and hugs. :hug:

  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sometime just being hear helps me out. You know having someone know my uncensored thoughts... though it is working less and less for me these days.
  11. Thank you everyone.

    I ordered everything I need. Now I just wait for delivery.

    It's funny - nobody knows what I'm planning, but at the same time it feels like they do.

    My psychiatrist praised me for doing so well, then mentioned that she and my GP were worried I might be considering suicide even though I'd said I wasn't. I denied it again, and she let me go for another week.

    My sister found out about someone she knew (not well) who killed themselves, and her first reaction was, "That could have been R______" (me) My mother was the one who told me this, and I think she was worried too because she wanted me to reassure her. I laughed, as if the very idea of killing myself was crazy.

    I later told my sister "I'm not going to kill myself, but even if I did, it wouldn't be personal, it'd be nothing to do with you." She said she knows, than changed the subject.
  12. WishICould

    WishICould Well-Known Member

    Why lie to your therapist? Its a double-headed coin and you're shouting tails!!! Seeing a therapist is supposed to help you but what help do you expect to receive if you keep your therapist in the dark? You may as well not see anyone if you can't speak truthly to them. Now please go and tell them exactly what your intentions are because no one can help once its too late.
  13. They can't help. This is something I have to do, telling them would just put it off for a while.

    As for seeing my psychiatrist etc., it's not by choice. If I refuse to see them, I basically get locked up in hospital.
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow do not do that to your friend hun she will not heal after you leave wether you think she will or not it won't happen Please if you are still suicidal and depressed then you need to do something different change your environment get a newer antidepressants ones used for chronic hard to heal depression But don't leave your friend with that kind of pain hun don
    t do that I am sorry you are suffering so please hun you must know if you leave that pain and sadness you will pass on to the people you leave behind
  15. What I ordered is being held in customs. Great.
    Time to move on to plan b. Already been put into motion, should be completed some time next week.
  16. Angry now, not depressed. Makes a change. Am even more determined to go through with this.
  17. Don't you see though the fact if you were so determined to off yourself then why post on here?

    You ever think maybe you posted on here because maybe you dont really want to do this and that you just need someone to find that reason why you should live?

    Because once you do this then that is it, just a lot of nothing, no conscience. You have a life, go out and find what makes you happy, there is a billion things to do out in the world and you have probably only experienced 300 of them. There might be something or someone out there just waiting for you to it or them and may become the happiest person alive. Life is an experience, go and enjoy it, don't waste it, cause we only get one life.
  18. I post here because, for now, I am still alive, and therefore find myself seeking those who might understand this without judging me. If I was looking for help, I'd be telling you my name, my location, and more details. This isn't looking for help, I am beyond that. Had what I ordered arrived, I would already be dead.
  19. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for continuing to share that your still alive. :hug:

    And that's good that your order came. I hope your day is doing better though? Hopefully you continue to share your feelings here, because it tends to help me out when I'm in a rough patch. Because I tend to use this place kind of as a venting portal sometimes.

  20. I have pretty much everything I need. I could do it tonight if I chose. I find myself wanting to wait a few more days though. I have things I need to do first.
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