Hi, I just needed somewhere anonymous to get this out. I'm a member of various support forums, but I'm afraid to say too much, because there are people who know me in real life and might contact someone. Being suicidal isn't a new thing for me. I've been self harming for 10 years, and have had intermittent suicidal thoughts during that time. I have actually come close to killing myself before, both accidentally and intentionally. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 7 years, as well as other mental health professionals, and I've been hospitalised several times for self harm and suicide attempts. I always tried to convince myself that I was unimportant, that I didn't matter to others. This made it easier to contemplate suicide. I always thought that if I could believe people cared, then I'd feel better. I was wrong. I've come to accept that others do care about me, that they would be devastated if I killed myself. Yet somehow I feel just as bad as ever. I have no major reasons for wanting to kill myself. Most of my life is pretty great, I'm lucky. I just feel this overwhelming sense of hopelessness, an all-consuming loneliness that can't be fixed regardless of how much time I spend with others, and increasing anxiety about the future. I'm not depressed, I still enjoy things as much as I ever did. The things I do are destroying my life, yet I can't stop them. I don't even want to stop them, that's the trouble. So I'm trapped. If I don't want help, then nobody can help, right? Like I said, I've been suicidal before, but this time feels different. In the past I've always told someone how I was feeling, even if I didn't go into details. This time, nobody knows I'm suicidal. Also most of my attempts in the past were desperate impulsive acts that weren't even guaranteed to work. This time I've researched it, I know what I'm planning to do, and I'm almost certain it will work. All I'm waiting for is the time when I have enough money to purchase what I need, probably 2 or 3 weeks away. I am scared. The idea of dying terrifies me, but not as much as the idea of continuing to live. Part of me is conflicted, but I feel like this is something I have to do.