This time last year...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Celebrated Thing, May 1, 2009.

  1. Celebrated Thing

    Celebrated Thing Well-Known Member

    I almost don't want to write this, only out of fear I dont explain myself with the right words. This time last year was the best day of my life. I just got home after several weeks of traveling through a several amazing foreign countries. I looked amazing and felt even better. My family was so supportive and all came over to see me and I was able to give them their gifts(although I fucked up, I wish I bought my mom more things, whole nother story about that so nvm). It was back when my family had money and noone was laid off yet.

    That 24 hours was the best I have had since. Shortly after that everything went downhill. Out of nowhere my close friend and I had this misunderstanding which lead to this confusing falling out that she still hates me about even though Im so confused about all of it. School has been nothing short of hell and the "perfect" job I thought I landed? Well I suck at it and almost everyone there looks down at me. I know it sounds paranoid but I feel like some new wrinkles developed on my face after being subjected to a very few specific co-workers making sure my shifts were a complete nightmare and embarassing and attacking me at the times I was least preparred to handle it or even see their nastiness coming. Oh and now my ex, the one who did his best to ruin my life, is working there now.
    Like I said before school was a relentless cycle of hell and as for friends and relationships, those have became just as fucked up(for example the confusing falling out with one of my best friends).

    This year was supposed to be the best, I was supposed to come home a new and improved person who would never fall into these problems ever again. I have hurt myself more this year and being sent to the hospital with police for a pshych eval was just cherry on top of this storm. It breaks my heart cause my mom keeps commenting on how Im never happy and its like even Im disapointing her with all this. I just dont know when things will/if they will get better.

    It hurts to think about how much difference a year can make, and how negative things have been for me, Im scared that it will only get worse and I will look back on this and consider my current hell, "good" by comparison.

    I will stop there since Ive written practically a novel, but theres deffinately more crazy that occured this year and it hurts. I am a ilttle better now that I got some fragments of it off my chest. Thank you if anyone read this and sorry it is really long and confusing.
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you. Even though time flies by, a year is actually a long time yet I can understand why you feel the way you do.
    If it helps in anyway, I can tell you that your not the only person who has experienced negative change or a series of negative changes in a year.
     
  3. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I have a feeling that you may be too hard on yourself. I know you don't want to go into it but I noticed that you said that you "fucked up" by not buying enough presents for your mom. In my world, my mom should be grateful and cherish what I get for her, even if it's something ugly, because it's the thought that counts, I try my best to get perfect gifts for people I love but I'm not psychic so I can only do my best.

    I'm so sorry about your friendship breaking up. I had it happen where my best friend for over 10 years suddenly stopped replying to emails and calling me back. After a few months, and lots of worrying, I found out through a common friend that she was mad at me but no one ever told me why. It is hard to get over things like this because there is no real closure--it can haunt a person. But try to take reassurance that this happens to other people and it isn't necessarily your fault--it takes two to tango, right? What helped me feel better was that a friend of mine said, Donna, how horrible could you have been if you have no idea what you did to make her mad? If you slept with her husband or stole something from her, if you did something fucked up, you would know why she stopped talking to you. You had a fallout, so what, that happens to the best of us, but you are the one that is confused, obviously your friend hasn't made it clear why she is angry. There is only so much you can do without good communication.

    You are still a student, right? So this isn't your career job, plus even if it were, you are going to get better with more education and qualify for better jobs. Maybe you can even find a job, now, that is in a better environment. I would NOT want to work with an ex that tried to hurt me. I don't know where you live and wouldn't want you to write it in a internet forum, but I'm hoping you live in an area where it isn't too rural with very few jobs. Honestly, I just got laid off from a job where I was getting harassed because I'm not Christian and I have a disability from day one. Everyone hated me, nothing you do is ever good enough (even when other people brag about your work, my boss would ignore it) but any mistake or criticism was a big deal. I'm the last person to call you paranoid--I felt paranoid until a girl at work told me about some of the things people would say about me. One guy (who is married) even asked if I'm a lesbian!!! I don't flirt with guys at work and don't want to be treated like a sex object at work--I could go to a bar for that! I don't dress very sexy at work, either. It's irrational and madness, whiy would he even care, he's married, lol! Anyway, back to the point, I have had so much stomach problems for the past year and a half and the mental effects of feeling really badly about myself isn't a good thing. If you can get out of this job, please do, I'm still healing.

    One more thing, you being unhappy doesn't make you a disappointment. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness and the truth is that you have zero power to make ANYONE on Earth happy, including your mom. No human being can make anyone happy, we aren't gods with magical powers. So, by the same token, you being unhappy cannot possibly make anyone else unhappy. Sure people may worry about you but you can't magically destroy happiness just because you are suffering, either.

    Parents often have trouble with feeling guilty and bad about their children's unhappiness. It is hard to deal with the guilt that, as a parent, I may have an active role in my child's misery so it would be easier to be in denial about my true feelings and blame my child for my feelings of worry, guilt, frustration. I'm not saying that your mom is a hurtful woman or should feel guilty because she made you unhappy, she could be very supportive, but from her point-of-view, there will probably be a part of her that wonders, did I do something wrong for my child to be so unhappy--maybe I wasn't there for her enough, etc.

    One last thing--you had an amazing time last year, right? That came from you--that was purely you. You were in Europe and had the time of your life--you had that good feeling before so you can get it again. Please don't give up.
     
  4. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I have a feeling that you may be too hard on yourself. I know you don't want to go into it but I noticed that you said that you "fucked up" by not buying enough presents for your mom. In my world, my mom should be grateful and cherish what I get for her, even if it's something ugly, because it's the thought that counts, I try my best to get perfect gifts for people I love but I'm not psychic so I can only do my best.

    I'm so sorry about your friendship breaking up. I had it happen where my best friend for over 10 years suddenly stopped replying to emails and calling me back. After a few months, and lots of worrying, I found out through a common friend that she was mad at me but no one ever told me why. It is hard to get over things like this because there is no real closure--it can haunt a person. But try to take reassurance that this happens to other people and it isn't necessarily your fault--it takes two to tango, right? What helped me feel better was that a friend of mine said, Donna, how horrible could you have been if you have no idea what you did to make her mad? If you slept with her husband or stole something from her, if you did something fucked up, you would know why she stopped talking to you. You had a fallout, so what, that happens to the best of us, but you are the one that is confused, obviously your friend hasn't made it clear why she is angry. There is only so much you can do without good communication.

    You are still a student, right? So this isn't your career job, plus even if it were, you are going to get better with more education and qualify for better jobs. Maybe you can even find a job, now, that is in a better environment. I would NOT want to work with an ex that tried to hurt me. I don't know where you live and wouldn't want you to write it in a internet forum, but I'm hoping you live in an area where it isn't too rural with very few jobs. Honestly, I just got laid off from a job where I was getting harassed because I'm not Christian and I have a disability from day one. Everyone hated me, nothing you do is ever good enough (even when other people brag about your work, my boss would ignore it) but any mistake or criticism was a big deal. I'm the last person to call you paranoid--I felt paranoid until a girl at work told me about some of the things people would say about me. One guy (who is married) even asked if I'm a lesbian!!! I don't flirt with guys at work and don't want to be treated like a sex object at work--I could go to a bar for that! I don't dress very sexy at work, either. It's irrational and madness, whiy would he even care, he's married, lol! Anyway, back to the point, I have had so much stomach problems for the past year and a half and the mental effects of feeling really badly about myself isn't a good thing. If you can get out of this job, please do, I'm still healing.

    One more thing, you being unhappy doesn't make you a disappointment. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness and the truth is that you have zero power to make ANYONE on Earth happy, including your mom. No human being can make anyone happy, we aren't gods with magical powers. So, by the same token, you being unhappy cannot possibly make anyone else unhappy. Sure people may worry about you but you can't magically destroy happiness just because you are suffering, either.

    Parents often have trouble with feeling guilty and bad about their children's unhappiness. It is hard to deal with the guilt that, as a parent, I may have an active role in my child's misery so it would be easier to be in denial about my true feelings and blame my child for my feelings of worry, guilt, frustration. I'm not saying that your mom is a hurtful woman or should feel guilty because she made you unhappy, she could be very supportive, but from her point-of-view, there will probably be a part of her that wonders, did I do something wrong for my child to be so unhappy--maybe I wasn't there for her enough, etc.

    One last thing--you had an amazing time last year, right? That came from you--that was purely you. You were in Europe and had the time of your life--you had that good feeling before so you can get it again. Please don't give up.