This time of year again.. *poss trig*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Mar 10, 2013.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    This time of year.. I get impulsive and do a lot of stupid crap.. I've already done some impulsive stuff to harm myself.. I'm going to prob be doing worse, cuz I just am that way. I get myself in deep trouble round this time of year. Make people hate me, become a lot more emotional.. and cause a lot of bull shit. Knowing this in mind I am going to TRY to keep things better this year.. no promises..

    Last year just let myself get used a few times, caused a fight (irl), and walked around in an un-safe neighborhood hoping I'd get shot.. As well as looking for possible ways to commit.. While another guy started threatening to kill us anyway and a cop threatened to kill my dog and was harassing us every morning at 4 or 5am.

    I have too much shit that happened this time of year.. too many losses, too many times used, and purposely wanting to be.. Purposely causing break-ups and hate toward myself.. purposely getting myself in un-safe situations.. Because I feel my body is trash.. All I can be is something to be thrown away after use.. I fucking hate myself. I'm just ugly and useless. I'm not trying to make this a pitty party, I'm stating this as a fact.. I cant even drive.. I cant even work. I can't do things most people my age can and I'm overweight (and lately gaining more) and gender confused, making me ugly and confused as hell.

    I do these things this time of year to make people hate me.. I mean REALLY hate me. Because I'm that fucking stupid.. I don't know why.. It's like I just hate myself and use myself as some piece of trash and think others should too.. so I cause these issues to make people hate me as much as I hate myself. Cuz I just deserve to be hated. Everyone will hate me because I hate me. I will never be good enough for anyone anyway. Not that people here don't already know that.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I kind of do similar things, well mostly I do things to make people dislike me, especially if they care too much. Like pushing them away before they can push me away. Sometimes I want the world to hate me as much as I hate myself. So just know that you aren't alone in these thoughts. I hope you will learn to treat yourself better, because you don't deserve any of that.
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    If you know this time of year is bad for you (you post about April every year) then you know yourself it is the time to start getting some more help. If you cannot trusr yourself then go to the hospital and keep yourself safe until it passes.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm supposed to see a Psych Thursday for anxiety meds. But re-thinking it I don't think its a good idea as I am pretty certain I'd be using them like I have been my old Zyprexa.. Which hasn't been wisely and very impulsive.. But I will try and talk to them and see what I can do.. I will prob need to make sure I tell my new therapist as well how "well" I've been doing.. It's already noticeable to my friend and parents.. so.. yeah..