Its just a bad time of year because arround this time of year my aunt, first pet, and brother died. being sick dont help =/ I want to cry right now or just destroy something but I cant cry because its gona make my asthma bad atm and nothing I can really destroy.. then just makes me wana cut and I havent self harmed really in a while.. UGH. And Ive tried this greif and loss group but I feel so alone, because my brother was a lot diffrent.. you dont understand. He was born disabled and the entire focus of the family and when he died I lost my pupose in life because my purpose was to care for my other bros because my parents were too busy with shit and then when I have issue my parents gave me to the state thats the thanks I get =/ I held my family together as a child.. gave up my childhood.. my wants.. needs.. I became a robot, numb to emotion... and for what? to in the end be betrayed? sorry Im just.. its hard its so diffrent.. to grow up with this family dynamic were u have a handicapped child his entire life. I had 3 brothers.. all younger then me. my handicapped bro was almost exactly 1 yr younger. then my next bro a yr younger then him and my other bro will be 13 on the 26th. my youngest also has severe ADHD and as a kid he used to scream until he turned blue and passed out as well as he bacame violent so most the time I was helping out with him and my parents would be taking care of my bro and also my mom took in daycare for more income so I helped a lot with that and we were always pretty broke and I felt like I wasnt worth anything because I would ask for things and always hear how we didnt have the money or we couldnt cuz we needed to money for my bro if he ended up in ER stopped asking for things eventually avoided my own wants =/ Ive been depressed a long time I get triggered a lot.. just when I see a little kid and I think About how I can never be a kid never have a childhood and how my childhood was spent dealing with crap and on top of that the neighbors were the school bullies and being beaten up pretty much daily and kids would avoid me no friends etc. my entire life I have spent alone, trapped within my own thoughts.