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This time of year...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Feb 12, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Its just a bad time of year because arround this time of year my aunt, first pet, and brother died. being sick dont help =/
    I want to cry right now or just destroy something but I cant cry because its gona make my asthma bad atm and nothing I can really destroy.. then just makes me wana cut and I havent self harmed really in a while.. UGH. And Ive tried this greif and loss group but I feel so alone, because my brother was a lot diffrent.. you dont understand.
    He was born disabled and the entire focus of the family and when he died I lost my pupose in life because my purpose was to care for my other bros because my parents were too busy with shit and then when I have issue my parents gave me to the state thats the thanks I get =/

    I held my family together as a child.. gave up my childhood.. my wants.. needs.. I became a robot, numb to emotion... and for what? to in the end be betrayed?

    sorry Im just.. its hard

    its so diffrent.. to grow up with this family dynamic were u have a handicapped child his entire life. I had 3 brothers.. all younger then me. my handicapped bro was almost exactly 1 yr younger. then my next bro a yr younger then him and my other bro will be 13 on the 26th. my youngest also has severe ADHD and as a kid he used to scream until he turned blue and passed out as well as he bacame violent so most the time I was helping out with him and my parents would be taking care of my bro and also my mom took in daycare for more income so I helped a lot with that and we were always pretty broke and I felt like I wasnt worth anything because I would ask for things and always hear how we didnt have the money or we couldnt cuz we needed to money for my bro if he ended up in ER stopped asking for things eventually avoided my own wants =/

    Ive been depressed a long time I get triggered a lot.. just when I see a little kid and I think About how I can never be a kid never have a childhood and how my childhood was spent dealing with crap and on top of that the neighbors were the school bullies and being beaten up pretty much daily and kids would avoid me no friends etc. my entire life I have spent alone, trapped within my own thoughts.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you had to grow up way too early...that can be very costly in so many ways...but glad you posted how you were feeling so that we can say that we care and that we are here for you...J
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks J... :hug: I really feel like shit right now.. Just wanted to rant.. my mind wont stop thinking about my past when I try to go to bed.. I just want to feel ok.. :(
  4. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Swift,

    This is just my two cents, so take it for what is worth and throw it in the composting bin if it makes no sense to you. Its very difficult to get over having grow up having been a caretaker from an early age. Because what you don't learn is to fulfill your own needs, emotional, material etc...Its like you have no value yourself outside what you can give to others. The problem is that after a while, your emotional batteries are discharged and you have no clue about what you can do to refill them. You got nothing left to give. And since nobody ever send you the message that you are worthy of care, you don't think you deserve any kind of attention for yourself. You just take all that that sadness and pain of feeling ignored, neglected, of being disappointed and shove it in some box you bury in the backyard and put up your happy face to help the next one in line. And you depend on helping somebody to give you any sense of self-worth. So it becomes a vicious circle where you attend to the needs of others without getting what you so desperately need. Then you burn out and there is nobody to pick you up. Because as adults, we are expected to be able to take of ourselves. The problem is we never learned how to do that to begin with.

    Indeed, there is no way to go back in time and get the nurturing that every children deserve. But regrets serve no purpose either. You gotta learn to listen to yourself, your feelings and find way to attend first to your needs before you go on helping others. Sounds simple but its not because everything in you screams that its not right, that it is selfish, that you don't deserve it. Its not because you did not receive from your parents what any child should get that you were not worthy of it. Its not because they did not love you that you were not lovable. Sometimes parents, for whatever reasons, are unable to give their children what they need: life circumstances, overwhelming needs of their own, immaturity etc...Anyhow, it's a bit futile to blame them at this point because this wont change the past and you'll spend all your energy rewriting history. Its not possible: what happened stays happened. But you can identify how it does affect how you see yourself and how you cope. The thing is, your past, while in part made you who you are, does not have to rob you of your future. Keep the good and send the rest to recycling. There will be moments, when you'll feel that the little inner child that you were is acting up. Don't dismiss him. Tell him its alright to feel what he feels, and that while nobody did anything for him back then, and you were way too young to take care of him, the older yourself is now watching his back. Be patient, caring and understanding toward yourself, its a process and it takes time. You seem to have lots of sadness to deal with. Try to do what you can for yourself with the means at your disposal, writing a diary, drawing, watching a movie you like, anything really...If you can, try to do this with professional help. Hope this helps. Take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2011
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks Marijo.. I just mostly feel like people don't have a clue, or understand what its like.. I feel brushed aside at times or like I don't fit in. Thanks for replying, helps me feel like at least someone understands if maybe a little bit. :hug:
  6. LipsOfDeceit

    LipsOfDeceit Well-Known Member

    Swifty! :hug: Sounds like you had a really tough time growing up and you are such a selfless person for sacrificing your happiness as a kid just to make sure your family members were alright. Now you have to learn to take care of yourself and fulfill your own needs and wants, so understand that you do deserve happiness. Because you were used to caring so much for others, you neglected yourself. It is time to care a lot more for yourself rather than for everyone else. Take care! :hug:
  7. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    No need for thanks Swift. It's not always easy going on without real parental support and picking up the slack in a dysfunctional family. I wish that sometimes down the road, in real life, you'll find mentor figures who will help you to make up for what you did not received as a child. :hug:
  8. Boston3

    Boston3 Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2011