This was the last string.

So after a 2 1/2 year relationship with a girl who i was going to marry, things came to and end. She doesn't see a future together anymore. This is the last string i can deal with, i have nothing else left that makes me happy during the day. My furture goals are no where in sight, i hate the place ive been stuck in for the past 4-5 years, which is why i lost her. And i have thought about just ending it now. I am a firearms owner so the way is very easy. Whats sacres me is i wont give my firearms up to family to keep them away from me. So i know im not just feeling sorry for myself, and its a thought that might happen. My family doesnt know what im feeling and i wont tell them, i dont want the spot light on me. I'm so torn between this choice. I try to stay strong during my days but it hurts to much and for to long. I'm tired of the little up's and the major down's, im tired of hearing whats meant to be is meant to be, and things will change. It just seems like everyone is talking about the future and that the present just sucks. I just want to relax.

 

Hi and welcome to the forum.. :hug:

Please ditch your firearms or let your family keep them; at least to keep you safe.. Keep talking to us.. :hug:

 

Thats the thing if i ditch them, then i lose my way out and dont have an option. Keeping them lets me keep that option, and i need that option.

 

:hug: I hope you continue to talk to us..

 

Hey there, I'm concerned that you have these things so close at hand. It would be really sad if you did something impulsively, simply because it was there and you had convenient access. I do understand wanting to keep the thing nearby. I'm concerned you might have an especially difficult day and instead of reaching out to someone here, if your tools are too close, you may go for them first :sad:

What I generally do, although at the moment I'm breaking my own rule :hiding: is to keep the tool and the feed for it separated and in an inconvenient manner. Also, if you can put it (or them) in an inconvenient spot, it might help. For instance in an attic or loft of a barn, a storage facility, or somewhere requiring effort or work to get to it. A locked crate in which you've tossed the key, requiring you to break in. Perhaps you can have family/friend store all but one of your devices/tools. Could even ditch the feed for it/them, which would require you to go and make the purchase, thereby buying you a bit of time to think things through.

The point of doing these things, is it can buy you some time, and perhaps allow you to clear your head, rethink things, or get a grip. It's easy and final to grab and use. If you make it not so easy, you may give yourself enough time to think things through a little, to gain some clarity, to reach out to someone and talk to them. It may buy you the few moments needed to rethink things, or decide today is not a good day for doing it. As someone around here has told me, "there is always tomorrow, it does not have to be today".

I would also suggest never keeping the method in the same room that you spend most of your time in. Never keeping it by the pc, etc. Maybe if you are strongly feeling like using it, you could promise yourself to first come here to sf and talk to someone?

I'm using the terms tool and feed because generally the admins won't allow us to discuss methods.

The place you've been stuck the last few years, is that something you can work on? Is it something you can try to change?

There are some great fellows here who have been through similar experiences and had similar feelings. It might be worth talking to some of them. They are great support.

I hope you don't hurt you. Maybe you can find some other way to relax and unwind, talk to folks here. I'm so sorry you are going through this. :hug: for you, if you want it.

Please stay safe.